Help! I'm having an extremely hard time dealing with my jealousy. I just can't figure out what is making me so irrationally jealous and, more importantly, what I can do to not feel this way. I have a pretty good relationship, but it would be perfect if I could just deal with my issue. He is getting very fed up with my bullsh*t and basically I am sick of feeling this way, too. We have been together for a little over two years - in the beginning it seems like I did not have a jealousy issue at all. How do I go back to that?
I have found that jealousy often stems from insecurity and the formulation of assumptions. Are you insecure in your relationship and in what ways? How does this manifest? Do you make assumptions about how he sees you or thinks about you?
Insecurity, as in self-esteem, may be a problem. Insecurity relationship-wise is not so much the issue - while I know that he loves me enough to never cheat and he is happy with our relationship, it still drives me crazy that there is the possiblity that he may want to or may have any kind of desire for somebody else. Or that there are people or a person out there that are better than me in his eyes. I suppose I do feel in some ways that I am competing with other women. I suppose that I ASSUME that I am now the woman to him that signifys a cozy, safe relationship - where-as in the beginning I was the fun, wild relationship. But when I think about it, it's more like *he* likes where we are now, and *I* wish that we could go back to the beginning.
I have never felt like this before. I have always prided myself on being the "cool" type of girlfriend who is very laid back about things. So I feel extremely guilty for feeling this way (even when it is justified) and knowing that what I'm feeling and acting is so wrong keeps me up at night. This is the first time I've ever really experienced love (probably the reason it's the first time I've ever experienced jealousy?) and I don't want to ruin things.
If insecurity is the real issue, than I guess my question changes - How do you deal with insecurity? How do you help yourself?
“I suppose that I ASSUME that I am now the woman to him that signifys a cozy, safe relationship - where-as in the beginning I was the fun, wild relationship. But when I think about it, it's more like *he* likes where we are now, and *I* wish that we could go back to the beginning.”
Do you think that it is possible that you in some way wish he were a little bit jealous. Perhaps you feel that he is too secure in the relationship and you kind of want that fun, semi-insecure passion back? Just throwing that out there…
And yes, you will probably damage your relationship by being jealous…
How do you deal with insecurity? Wow… I really wish I knew the answer to that – all women in the world would be a lot happier. I have found that what makes me feel better about myself is doing my best. I know this sounds extremely trite, but think about it for a minute… Do I do my best at my workplace? Do I do my best to be kind to my partner and make his / her life beautiful? Do I do my best to not chastise myself for my wrongdoings? (this is my most difficult issue – to stop the mental self-mutilation)? Doing your best is extremely difficult, and it will vary based on how you are feeling on a particular day. If you are very depressed, doing you best is getting out of bed and taking a shower. On a good day it might be lifting that extra 10 pounds on your bicep curls. But, I find it much easier to live with myself and love myself if I know that each day I have tried my best…
One important thing that you need to remember is that it is very natural and healthy for him (and even for you) to think of other men/women. It is a normal part of life. The thoughts of being with someone else rarely manifest themselves into actions.
Also, you need to keep in mind that you may believe that you are keeping these feelings inside of you, but the negativity comes out in your eyes every day.
If you really think your sig oth, would leave you for someone else, you need to focus on why you think that way. Is your self esteem low because because you think he would leave you, or do you think he would leave you because your self esteem is low. I have the belief that both are true. Negative emotions take alot of energy from you and they also affect the way people percieve you. My suggestion is to start with yourself. Look in that mirror everyday at yourself. Smile and tell yourself good morning, tell yourself you are going to do at least one positive thing today for yourself.
Really look at yourself and try and figure why your esteem is so low. Instead of focusing energy on "poor me" focus your energy into the positive, focus on the things you have and how great your life is, enjoy what you know, don't focus on the things that you do not know and cannot control (ie the future)
I think everyone needs to see the movie "what the bleep do we know" very important messages in that film
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Dealing with jealousy
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