For the past 4 months I have been dating a recently seperated mad. We immediately realized that we have many things in common and have found in eachother something that we never expected. I know how it sounds but it's true. This is it. We are forever.
Well, he was living at his parents house after the seperation (he is 32 and I am 29) while he was getting everything sorted out with his ex wife. After 2 months of him drving all over to see me, he moved in. We had the talk that he was still finacially obligated, fully, to his family (ex wife and daughter) at least until they agreed on a financial seperation. I told him that I had no problems with him being at my house and not contributing right now because of his financial status at the time.
As of last week, they have agreed on the child support amount and everything is now seperate. Soooo I bring up the topic of him paying his portion of the household expenses. (FYI: he had been paying for half of the grogeries up until this point and makes just about twice as much money as I do) He seemed a little surprised that I brought the subject up. Honestly I have been feeling resentful up until now that his funds pay for a house and car that he doesn't use BUT I knew that it would be this way until they agreed on a seperation. We have not sat down and done out any figures yet but I firmly believe that he should be paying half of the mortgage and half of the household utilities. (Understand that my entire mortgage payment is $740/mo so we're not talking about a huge amount, here) Do you think that I am expecting too much. Really, I don't think so. It's not like I am trying to get rich here and I also do all of the cooking, cleaning and laundry.... Also keep in mind that I agree that he needs to pay child support and I have had no problems with him ringing his 2 year old daughter to the house every other weekend. I'm not gripling over the child support or custody. None of that! It's just that I NEED things to be fair and even, financially for us.
We are expecting to have the talk very soon so I just wanted your advice on this.
If I made more money this probably wouldn't be an issue just yet but I am slowly starting to resent the fact that I am paying for our entire living situation and I do NOT want our wonderful relationship to fall apart because of resentment.
Anyways, thanks a ton for any input you might have.
First off, money will ruin your relationship and if it's already an issue, you're in big trouble!!!
Haven't you been paying for everything before you even met him? I'd guess that would be a yes......have you noticed larger utility bills, phone bills, gas bills since he moved in? I'd guess no. I'd have to guess that the only extra expense in your house has been the groceries.
Personally, I would have to say that you're being very materialistic and the surprise coming from him is perfectly understandable. If he's any kind of gentleman, ( Which I don't have a clue if he is or not ), he's already thought about this situation and he'll step up to the plate in due time.
With his daughter living in that house, and using the heat, car and everything else that goes with it, you shouldn't feel any resentment that he's providing for her.....you should feel honorable towards him.
If you go into this relationship believing that you two should be fair and equal financially.....you're setting yourself up for failure. There shouldn't be a score card between you two when it comes to money.....plain and simple. In a relationship, a healthy relationship, what's hers is mine and what's mine is hers. PERIOD.
He will get his chance to pay his part...don't rush him. The first 5 years of our marriage was rough when it came to money, it was the subject of 90% of our fights, it almost ruined our relationship. After we both agreed that money wasn't going to come between us, things took a huge turn.
Another thing, you mentioned that you do all the laundry, cooking, cleaning....and you said you're not trying to get rich here......what this tells me is that this isn't just about the money.....you feel like you're doing more than your fair share and you're crying about it....well stop it!! If you plan on getting serious with this man, the first thing you'll have to realize is that you'll always feel like you're doing more than you should.
A relationship takes 100% of both party's efforts. The sooner your realize this, the better off you'll be.
Sorry for being such a jerk....but that's my opinion.
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"The conscience water saw it's maker, and blushed" - Water to Wine......
My fiance and I are getting married in December. He has an apartment of his own though. His rent is HALF my mortgage. My mortgage is almost $1100.00 a month. I have joint custody of my son, so I have to provide a decent home for him no matter what, no matter WHO lives there. My fiance stays the nights on the nights that my son is not there. He has a daughter of his own. They reside in his apartment when she is with him. But they spend all their time at my house. I pay the mortgage anyway, pay the water, pay the electric. My grocery bill IS higher, he pitches in. He's fair. But so am I. He buys dinner for the fam, provides well for other needs too. He doesn't flinch to pay half (or the entire amount) of the grocery bill. But I do keep in mind, he's got finances all his own, until we wed anyway. And he doesn't officially "live" there.
I'd recommend to you that you sit down and have a serious heart to heart with him. What is he contributing to the household? What is he gaining? Does he help around the house, do yardwork, his fair share of chores? Or are you a host to a leach? Could he leave tomorrow and you be out of a bunch of hospitality services? This ain't no f*cking hotel. This is a home. Contribute or get out. This is life, not a freakin charity case, ya know? In other words, what has he done for you lately?!
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"Until the day breaks and the shadows flee, I will go to the mountain of myrrh and to the mound of incense. All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you."
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[/quote] A relationship takes 100% of both party's efforts. The sooner your realize this, the better off you'll be. [/quote]
My point exactly. Did you not read what I wrote? I make half of what he does and he is living in my house and I am supposed to just suck it up and just be happy to have him?
I understand that he has had other things on his mind thus far but now that his finances are settled, he really should be paying for half of the living expenses. I share my house equally with him, he should share the bills in the same way? I don't think that I am being unfair. Would he not have to pay for an apartment and his own utilities?
[/quote]If you go into this relationship believing that you two should be fair and equal financially.....you're setting yourself up for failure.[/quote]
Personally, I don't know any real men who would find my situation acceptable for any longer than absolutely necessary. We agreed in the begining that I would handle the expenses until he got settled. Now he is settled. Again, you state it takes 100% on both sides but you are also saying that me expecting 100% is wrong. Hmmm.
So basically if he wrote a post saying..."I have been living with a woman for 2 months and my daughter has also spent alot of time at her house but I have yet to contribute financially. I am now fiancially stable. Should I start being an equal partner in household expenses? what would you tell him?
K
Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 12th October 2004 at 2:45 PM.
Reason: removed inappropriate comment
I'm in a similar situation right now and she is paying half of almost everything - mortgage, utilities, groceries, general supplies etc. I think it is fair and so does she. I don't think that you should bear 100% of the financial responsibility in a "live-in" relationship. I would be understanding if he can't afford 50% but 0% would not be an option for me.
I didn't say that he shouldn't pay anything at all people!!! I'm sure he will and they will work out what is fair.....I'm saying to be cautious about being so materialistic and don't make money such a huge issue. I believe in fairness too.
It's only been a week since the settlement, don't get into such a friggin' hurry.
When my partner moved into my home, it was agreed upon that it was only fair that he contribute equally to his living expenses. Not only does the grocery bill go up when a second person moves in…especially a GUY…but so do the utilities.
My partner and I split the grocery bill and all the utilities right down the middle. That included electric, phone, water, cable, trash removal, etc. HOWEVER, I did not ask him to split my mortgage or property taxes simply because the house was in my name and I would have been paying that amount with or without a housemate anyway.
Our arrangement went on that way for almost two years. It was a "trial" period to see if we had what it took as a couple to make a long-term go of our relationship. By that time my partner had put a lot of sweat equity into my home helping me with all my remodeling and upgrades. We discovered we worked great as a team. While I did all the domestic stuff…like the cooking and cleaning (when I felt like it ) my partner took care of the more manly chores…like mowing the lawn and making repairs.
Eventually I made the decision to sell him half my home. He needed the tax break since he had sold his own condo and now had no deductibles and was making three times as much as me. He now pays mortgage on his half of the equity and we split the property taxes right down the middle. Although we file separately, we are BOTH allowed to claim the deduction on our income taxes and it works out GREAT! I also did not have to pay any capital gains tax since I was still residing in the home.
Meanwhile, the money I received from selling him half the equity remains in a money market account accumulating interest. This way…if G-d forbid…anything should happen sometime down the road, I would be able to buy his half right back out and the house would again be mine. No one loses anything. Well---at least that's the safest plan we could come up with. The alternative would be to sell the home and split the profits 50/50.
We also have a "right of survivorship" clause written up in the contract. That means if something should happen to one of us, the other would automatically inherit the home rather then the equity being distributed to the closest surviving relative of the deceased. Without this clause, my partner might find my daughter owning half his house, and it could get rather ugly and complicated otherwise.
That's just the way we decided to work things out fairly. It took sitting down and openly discussing our concerns, looking into each and every possible option, gathering information, and coming up with a plan that was mutually beneficial. I don't know if sharing that helps you in any way, but maybe it will give you a better idea of what some of your options might be.
Either way…your partner shouldn't expect a "free ride" nor should your love for him make you feel obliged to shoulder the burden of his past financial obligations.
Good Luck!
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Well, expecting him to pay *half* the mortgage to me seems too much -the house will be in your name. But if you were on a rent, he should pay half of it.
And he should pay for half of the house expenses(mortgage excluded), bills and groceries.
Thought I'd also add that if I lived with someone and paid half of the rent/ mortgage, I'd expect to split room equally.
That is, I would want as much space for my things(clothes, personal belongings, etc) as my partner has for his, even if I was the one who moved in.
And I'd expect to have a say about any decison concerning the house (like, painting the house, rearranging the kitchen furniture, etc. ).
Last edited by Adunaphel; 12th October 2004 at 10:52 AM.
Great points Adunaphel. Valid. My fiance has no nothing at my house....lol...no closet space, drawers, nothing. It'll be different when he moves in though. Wait, I have to give up closet space?!
LOL…There's no truer sign of "love" than when a woman gives you half her closet space. And if you get three drawers out of the deal as well…you're just as good as married!
Enigmaxoxo - curoius how you went about "selling" half the equity of your home? I would much rather do that than ask for a prenup. You probably only get to deduct half the loan interest then huh? You got out of capitol gains taxes, wow!
Whadda you think asked what we all thought was fair. I think it would be fair for both parties to sit down and talk honestly about how they share expenses and chores. There is no single formular for how to do this - it depends on everyone's individual situation: own or rent, kids or not, how much each earns, how much housework and childcare each person does, commutes, elderly relations, sick pets needing constant care, credit ratings. So DON'T go looking for somebody's list of how things should be divided. The only constant is that there must be an explicit agreement, and each person must feel that they can live comfortably with what was agreed. Oh, and they have to live up to their agreement.
It would also be good to talk about what happens if someone loses a job - or gets a big raise - or spends more time away from home - or something else happens to upset the equilibrium.
These discussions can sometimes be awkward, but if you can't talk this out as a couple, you should not be sharing living quarters.
I would not expect someone to pay my mortgage unless he was also building equity in my house. Maybe you could have him make half the interest payment, and you pay the other half plus all the principal. Or, you could just charge him straight rent, but it would be less than half the mortgage, based on market rates.
Also...is this just a temporary thing (you've only known him four months), or are you saying you are now a bonded unit and will function as a committed couple? If the former, then I would make darn sure to avoid subsidizing him or giving him any rights or control over my property. If the latter, why not get married?
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) my partner took care of the more manly chores…like mowing the lawn and making repairs.
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