I've finally decided to move on from a relationship that ended on memorial day weekend. it's been so tough. I miss him. I recently decide to not keep in touch with him anymore. That was the hardest. But I think its the right thing to do. Not so that I can change his mind, I can't do that. But so that I can get on with my life, and stop hanging on.
i read this book, "He's Just Not That Into You". I was shocked when a friend got it for me...I thought, how mean is that?!! But after reading it, I realized it's about having self-respect, not trying to figure out or fix your ex, and just moving on so that you can meet someone who will be So Into You that he'll treat you right, won't break up with you, and eventually want to marry you. it's written with a bit of humor, and that helps the medicine go down a bit easier.
It talks about all the stories we hear of people breaking up and then getting back together and living happily ever after. the author says to ignore these stories and realize they are the exception, not the rule. We should think of ourselves as exceptional, but not the exception. We are the rule, usually a break up is just that. A break up. He also adds that if, by chance, your ex does change his/her mind and want to get back together, it should sound like this "I've made a mistake, I'm sorry, can we try again?" rather than "hey, i miss u, want to hang out sometime? I need a date for my cousin George's wedding".
The author says that there are very few boys who are so confused, busy, etc that they won't put effort into making their relationship work, if they are really into you. So if you are getting excuses, by all means, move on!
It's a good book. We ought all to remember just how into ourselves we ought to be, and treat ourselves as cherished. Because we are.
it's still hard and sad to get over my ex. But that's to be expected, our lives were molded together. And he bailed. My life is so precious that I'm not going to mold it with another's until i KNOW they are in it for the long run, in other words, there is a ring on my finger and he has stood in front of a priest and said I do, now and forever, better or worse, sickness and health. Rather than, hey, this fits into my life right now, as long as it doesn't get too complicated.
We all deserve that kind of committment. We don't deserve what we've gotten. And what has happened is NOT a reflection of our self-worth. It's a reflection of someone simply changing their mind. And that's okay. Change your mind, exboyfriend. And watch my back as I walk away and toward something better. Because I still love myself. And I know that others do too. And I wish you all the best in your future too.
God Bless. Hope this offers some comfort to you too...and some motivation to see your own value and keep walking on!!
What a terrific post! Congratulations on your new resolve and very best of luck in Starting Over
__________________
I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to my fellow creatures, let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.
Hey Starting Over....I saw the book on Oprah last week and intrigued to pick it up. Sounds like a good read and a great way to appreciate ourselves as women. I broke up with my ex and it devastated me. For the longest time I would wonder what was wrong with ME in why he was hiding and lying to me. My self-esteem took a severe blow. But I have been moving on and would like to learn where I could improve with relationships.
Location: Heaven won't take me, and hell's afraid I'll take over
Posts: 5,703
Re: Moving On..Come With Me
Quote:
Originally posted by Starting Over
I've finally decided to move on from a relationship that ended on memorial day weekend. it's been so tough. I miss him. I recently decide to not keep in touch with him anymore. That was the hardest. But I think its the right thing to do. Not so that I can change his mind, I can't do that. But so that I can get on with my life, and stop hanging on.
i read this book, "He's Just Not That Into You". I was shocked when a friend got it for me...I thought, how mean is that?!! But after reading it, I realized it's about having self-respect, not trying to figure out or fix your ex, and just moving on so that you can meet someone who will be So Into You that he'll treat you right, won't break up with you, and eventually want to marry you. it's written with a bit of humor, and that helps the medicine go down a bit easier.
It talks about all the stories we hear of people breaking up and then getting back together and living happily ever after. the author says to ignore these stories and realize they are the exception, not the rule. We should think of ourselves as exceptional, but not the exception. We are the rule, usually a break up is just that. A break up. He also adds that if, by chance, your ex does change his/her mind and want to get back together, it should sound like this "I've made a mistake, I'm sorry, can we try again?" rather than "hey, i miss u, want to hang out sometime? I need a date for my cousin George's wedding".
The author says that there are very few boys who are so confused, busy, etc that they won't put effort into making their relationship work, if they are really into you. So if you are getting excuses, by all means, move on!
It's a good book. We ought all to remember just how into ourselves we ought to be, and treat ourselves as cherished. Because we are.
it's still hard and sad to get over my ex. But that's to be expected, our lives were molded together. And he bailed. My life is so precious that I'm not going to mold it with another's until i KNOW they are in it for the long run, in other words, there is a ring on my finger and he has stood in front of a priest and said I do, now and forever, better or worse, sickness and health. Rather than, hey, this fits into my life right now, as long as it doesn't get too complicated.
We all deserve that kind of committment. We don't deserve what we've gotten. And what has happened is NOT a reflection of our self-worth. It's a reflection of someone simply changing their mind. And that's okay. Change your mind, exboyfriend. And watch my back as I walk away and toward something better. Because I still love myself. And I know that others do too. And I wish you all the best in your future too.
God Bless. Hope this offers some comfort to you too...and some motivation to see your own value and keep walking on!!
Love,
Starting Over (at last)
I've read the book myself... like you I found it to be very empowering.
My best wishes to you
__________________
Don't be mad at me when I'm mad at you.
Wow, this is the best posting I ever read on this list and I think it is the most realistic and the most comprehensive one. my girfriend broke up with me 1 week after memorial day and I tried 3 times to get her back and she came back but then dumped me again 3 times , I was into her but she was not.
I gave up a month ago after realising that basically once somebody breaks up with you it will become a trend even if they come back and the relationship will always be filled with resentement and the ex-dumpee will be very careful and on the guard and the ex dumper behaving arrogantly knowing that he-she holding the sword on the relationship.
I totally agree with your post, a lot of people lose their dignity every day because of their relationships but the problem is that people will not be fully convinced unless they pass through the ordeal and a book will not change that , life is a long maturity process and pain is an essential component of maturity.
The book is called "How Can I Get Through to You? Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women" by Terrence Real.
It contains real stories from his clients as well as insight from the vast reading/learning he has engaged in. Powerful stuff that addresses women and men. Very potent book. His other book on nale depression is equally potent!
what about if you are the reason the other person decided to leave? and make the change to become a better person because of it. no offense, but i think that i wouldnt want to move on from someone who loved me if they had good reason to not like who i was. in my case i treated my girlfriend bad and took her for granted for a long time and eventually it was enough. i can only see this applying if i loved her with all my heart and i treated her right and then she broke up with me.
First of all: Starting Over, YOU ROCK!!! I love this site, and you just made my day! I heard about that book on Oprah the other day... actually a few weeks ago... I thought about getting it but I think what I read on the site and your post will suffice, as I'm already coming with you on the moving on part. Great post!!! And congratulations, we all need it when we make that transition from dying and suffering to, a deep breath and the realization that one person does not make or break you, someone else will appreciate what you have to offer. And I too, am not giving 110% of myself to anyone again until I KNOW for sure ... done playing wifey to a boyfriend.
Thanks again... and GOD BLESS YOU! !!!!
Layzie1207: in your case, if you wanted your ex back after mistreating her, you should inform her of how you feel... and if she does not accept then, take it as a lesson learned and treat your next girlfriend the way you feel you should. It's a learning experience if it doesn't work out, and a learning experience if it does, either way.
Thanks Chicothechimp, but after many many many years of trying to make it work, I just don't have the strength anymore. I must have read just about every book related to our topic, sought counseling, talked till I'm blue in the face, you name it and I've done it, with the exception of just walking away. It's the only thing left, in order to have some small amount of dignity left. Sometimes no matter what you do, the situation does not change. The only option left is to change yourself. Not as easy as I'd like it to be, but one of my strengths and weaknesses is determination. I'm no longer determined to making an unfullfilling relationship work. I am determined to get through this difficult time, and know I'll come out on the other end a better, stronger, more loving person.
Great post! I'm so glad that you are "Starting over", and with this new sense of lifestyle, you will feel much accomplishment! The best feeling in the world is seeing the ex you used to pine over and not feel anything at all ! Remember, moving on, starting over, etc... all takes time. Nothing is accomplished overnight or over a week, it takes a lot of time, but you are certainly getting there. Thanks a lot for the post and keep us updated on your status... congradulations and good luck!
__________________
...*Don't worry, I'll catch you
Don't worry, I'll catch you
Don't ever worry
no need for reminding
you're still -all that matters- to me*...
I'm glad a lot of you have seen the book. I wanted to respond to what Layzie said about "what if we are the reason our ex's broke up with us and we need to change our behavior?". I think that the book might come across as a "black & white" solution. We all know that relationships are much more complex than that. For me, I know that part of the reason we broke up is because I really smothered him to a degree. I tried not to, but I just felt like he had become the center of my universe-- that's too much pressure for anyone to bear. So, I'm trying to change that about myself. Also, I'm trying to take relationships a little slower. But, the "rules" of the book still apply....
For instance, when we broke up, I pleaded my case and apologized for what I did wrong...but as the book says, breaking up is not a democratic decision, it's not usually open to debate. It's one person's decision, that we, unfortunately, are forced to live with. Also, my boyfriend did not handle the break up well...he broke up with me via EMAIL. The authors of the book would respond that I ought to seek out someone that treats me better than that- and I agree. He wasn't ready for a mature relationship if he could only communicate via email. It's really about having Self-Respect and Letting Go.
So...have I been practicing what I preached? Like the last writer said, it doesn't happen overnight and it takes time. Overall, my mood has improved, and I don't talk to him or harbor any hopes of us getting back together. I have "let it go" in that sense. But, at the same time, gosh, do I ever miss him sometimes!! Just this morning I woke up at 4:30 and couldn't sleep b/c I had dreamt of him- and it was like seeing him-- and it was kind of disturbing. In some ways, I wish we had remained friends because I feel like he died-- my friend said to me the other day, "well, you feel that way because he just sort of 'vanished'". And I agree. He did.
I have faith that time will pass and I will continue to heal.
You know, the day Oprah was talking about that book on her show...two hours later my boyfriend called to break up with me. How's THAT for irony?!
I actually just read the book today, and it does make sense but it tells you stuff you don't want to hear. But probably stuff you need to hear. It was hilarious too.
Hi everyone, I went out and bought the book and read it in an hour. I have passed it along to others. Although it had a lot of good things to say, to me it is like going to a therapist. You hear all you need to hear, but you have to do the work. Everything sounds really good but it is good to be aware that there are no magic wands in life and we need to dig deep and take it one day at a time in order to to move on. It doesn't matter why they left, they did and it hurts. These posts are life savers to me and we will prevail and move on.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
It's an awesome post.
I love this site, and you just made my day! I heard about that book on Oprah the other day... actually a few weeks ago... I thought about getting it but I think what I read on the site and your post will suffice, as I'm already coming with you on the moving on part. Great post!!! And congratulations, we all need it when we make that transition from dying and suffering to, a deep breath and the realization that one person does not make or break you, someone else will appreciate what you have to offer. And I too, am not giving 110% of myself to anyone again until I KNOW for sure ... done playing wifey to a boyfriend.
Linear Mode
