[lostgirl26]

I am in this horrible teetering phase. So I'll try to be brief.

My husband and I have been married 5yrs, been together 7. We met after both of us getting out of horrible relationships. I moved to this place to be with my ex boyfriend, needless to say he manipulated me and that did not work out. I only just ended the friendship with him a few months ago because he could not respect the boundaries of my marriage, sh-tty as it is. He moved back to my home state and I have no regrets about ending that friendship at all.

Anywho, I really truly fell head over heels for my husband as he did for me. We were very young though, I was 19 he was 23. I waited till 21 to get married. Things were always a little rocky and I guess I thought that with age and time they would get better. I was wrong, the friends were always coming first. Never had help around the house......etc...Two years ago our house started to go into foreclosure(things had been unstable before that)due to my husband being laid off, but I picked up a second job to avoid our credit getting any worse and trying to work out a deal to save the house. My husband did nothing, not one thing. I shouldered it all, he sat around and played video games made sure he was able to hang out with the friends.

I got angry and finally talked to him about it but he just got defensive. I suggested not being married anymore unless he agreed to counseling. We went through about a year of counseling and to no avail(my avail) things have changed but not by much. I have tried to be better about speaking up for my feelings, but it usually just turns into a arguement with him being defensive and myself not wanting to back down because I am tired of being walked all over. Then as if the foreclosure was not bad enough, in between working two jobs my grandfather who had cancer finally got to the point of needing to be in hospice. I went to see him and my husband acted like a jerk the whole time I was there, mad because I was too busy to call or really didn't feel like talking. When he passed away I had to fly back pretty much right after leaving and my husband did something that really hurt me, he took two days of grievance and did not go with me(I did not want him there at this point), but that in my book was just wrong. I would never have done something like that with a member of his family.

His family upbringing has a lot to do with the way he acts. Needless to say its been a year now and we have pretty much been living complacently. He is upset because I am not able to bring myself to be close to him emotionally or physically. I tried a month or so ago to forgive and forget eventually after making it clear to him that if he screwed up again that I would be gone. But I just cannot seem to get over it, I am so hurt and he will never see my side of things. Our house was just recently put on the market as we have to decided to jut get an apartment to make things easier financially. While our finances our fine now thanks to me working my a-- off and paying just about everything off. I guess I don't know what to do at this point or how I feel. I am wondering if it would be better if after our house sells give him the option to find an apt that he can afford on his own. Either way anything I do is not going to be completely amicable. I am now 26 and don't want to feel this way for the rest of my life. Sorry this ran so long, its tough to cut it down to size.

Lostgirl26

[tiki]

Are there kids in the picture? Are both parties faithful? Have you had in-depth discussions about your finances?

[Mr Spock]

You've got a lot of resentment here.

My advice? It seems that you've already made up your mind. How is the sex? Are you even still attracted to him?


Don't waste your "pretty" years. That is, don't waste time on a loser while you're still good looking enough to get someone better.

From that book. You all know the one.

[lostgirl26]

No kids, just animals As far as I know he has been faithful, I have been. Having an affair would only make things worse in my eyes. Besides I am not interested in anyone else. Sex, well its pretty non existent. He has become less and less attractive to me, half on a physical basis, the other half more being his attitude towards things. He avoided me in the bedroom, and put off all my advances for a very long time. Even through the counseling the reason for it never came out. We had numerous discussions about it and our relationship, his answer is always he feels I don't respect him, no other reason. For a while there was a internet porn issue also, that definetly had an effect. The only issue I had with that was I don't care if he looks at it, but don't lie to me about it. His family dynamics cause him to act ashamed, but even the counselor could not get beyond the family of orgin issues.

I can agree with the respect issue, but on my end it only became that when he decided that helping out to get things back in check was not part of him. I had no where to turn or anyone to talk to, but my mom(she is 1200 miles away). So of course the mother issue pisses him off, but I only talked to her because he was not listening. All decisions that were made or needed to be made were left on my shoulders. I admit I have a lot of resentment, I guess I just cannot understand how someone could act this way.

[Mr Spock]

Who are you trying to convince here? Me or you? I'll divorce him FOR you. Jesus. Run, run run away.......

Stop wasting your life with a chowder head.

[lostgirl26]

Mr.Spock,

HAHAHA! I needed that. I think I know what to do, just its the way of going about it. The whole apartment thing, I have no idea what to do about.

[Mr Spock]

What you need to do at this point is protect your own interests. You've tried, a lot, and it's not working. Get your OWN apartment. Let him worry about his life at this point, you've been picking up his mess for so long it's time he learned how to take care of himself.

Is your relationship truly over? Only you and he can decide that. But it sounds like he's got a lot of growing up to do, all on his own.

[lostgirl26]

Well I guess I think it is but he still doesn't really see that there is huge problem. Our house is on the market as of this weekend, and we already had someone look at it(which could mean nothing), but it could also just sit. The fact that someone looked at it today, just about scared the piss out of me because that meant that I would have to make a decision.

[Mr Spock]

Ah. What you are is complacent. You need to make a decision either way. Talk to him. Tell him that when the house sells, you want your own place. Be honest with him-it may set him free enough so that he's able to reform into the guy you loved.

[Ladyjane14]

I have to agree with Mr Spock here. You're not terribly invested in the relationship with children to consider. You're both pretty young. Plenty of time to start over and grow a little more.

It's better to admit to a mistake now, then to live with it for 40 years. If the two of you are in love and committed to the marriage, that's one thing. If you're just used to each other, well...........that's something else.

[lostgirl26]

Yeah I know. Its so hard to talk to him about anything. I mean we got into a spat about his brakes the other night, him knowing full well they needed to be taken care of a long time ago. I have not said a word about it in months(I just refuse to drive his car Anywho, like I said its hard to talk to him, regardless I know that everything will be blamed on me whether I stay or leave. It is so hard to admit that its over when its someone you still care for, even after all the things we have been through.

[Ladyjane14]

Marriage is a long haul, dear. I found this on one of Moose's posts:

Growing marriage school-aged family: Juggling the pace of your expanding responsibilities in life. Maintaining sanity to your schedule as your children begin school, add new friends, begin activities of their own, (sports, music lessons, etc.). Handling the growing money squeeze with savings, college, retirement concerns. Adjusting to teenagers. Keeping romance alive after 10-20 years of marriage.

Mature married life-launching and releasing family: Mid-life crisis. Dealing with aging and ill parents. Increasing health concerns. Money pressures with children in college. Releasing children successfully into the adult world.

Marriage in transition-empty nest: New roles for both husband and wife after children. Refocusing on the marriage relationship. Developing a new lifestyle. Allocation resources for future needs. Changing relationship with children as they marry and begin families of their own. Defining roles as "in-laws" and even "grandparents".

Marriage in retirement: Dealing with health setbacks. Finding new purpose after work. Adjusting to retirement income.

(told ya he has a LOT of good advice )

Anyway, as you can see, and probably noticed while reading these boards, there's a lot of hard work involved! You're really the only one who knows if you love him enough to go the long haul. And even if you do, it has to be mutual. He has to be just as committed to you as you are to him.

The issues just get bigger as you go along. Children, debts, etc. If you are in this much doubt, possibly a trial separation is in order. You'll have to be the judge of that.

As for me, I'm glad I stayed in my marriage. It's been 22 years and there were times when it was harder than I thought I could tolerate. But we DO have that mutual love, and the willingness to work at it.

You've been to marriage counceling for over a year, and he's still displaying immaturity that is no longer appropriate for his age.

And you're hands are tied when it comes to controlling other people, not even your spouse. It can't be done without breeding deep resentment.

I know you're feeling pressured to make a decision about this before you have to make other living arrangements due to the sale of your house. Don't let that pressure you. Take your time. If you don't have time, make time. You'll regret any decision that you make in haste.

Well I got my heads up in 2001 when one day before work she informed me she didn't like my attitude and that if it didn't change she was going to see an attorney and get me out ! This from a woman who constantly whines and complains about every little thing in front of her, NEVER initiates sex, expects things her way only. I do the cooking, cleaning, bills, child care, and hold 3 part time jobs. All she had to do was go to work for 8 hours a day.

I got smart quick, I was in my attorneys office that day! My wife and I had switched roles a year before and I was now a stay at home dad with part-time income so I needed to find out what could and could not happen. Well the bottom line is I would most likely get custody of my child, she would have to pay alimony and child support to me. Talk about feeling relief. That was in 2001 and since then everything I do is with one thing in mind ... PROTECT MYSELF and prepare for the day

she either serves me with papers or my son turns 18. I have a written plan as to what I will take from the house ( the mortage is no longer in my name ) to contacts I need to call. I have clear title to 2 of the cars in MY NAME only and secret bank accounts that I have opened.

I settled a lawsuit recently and for all she knows most of the money went to the lawyer fees. Sure it did. I took my son on a very much needed and enjoyable vacation this summer....just the two of us. Three weeks with no nagging, whining wife. HEAVEN !!

I 've been married 22 years and only 2 more to go ! Anyway, thats how I'm dealing with it. Thanks for letting me vent.

[LifeRealistic]

- unreal -
NO RELIGIOUS ADVICE PLEASE*
Let people give whatever advice they want