[goonage]

Well it was just really awful to say the least. It was strange, really strange. I'm just numbed by it still. It's so hard for me to get my mind around it. I think I should be able to cope, but I am depressed about it. She was my whole world and I know that she knowed how strongly I felt for her. She told me she loved me before she left to get on the bus. I told her I love her too. As she drove away, I just sat there not really beliveing what had happened.

My relationship ended because something happened with the intimacy between us. It started to fade - but I think there were a whole series of situations that didn't help. I loved her and found her as attractive as I did from when I first met her. She told me she didn't find me as attractive as she did at the beginning. That was outside my control. It's so hurtful. It's not like I got old and decrepit in the time I was with her.

We were both living away from home in the city. She studied and I was working. We saw lots of each other and it was great. I was able to treat her like a princess. Then for the summer we both were back up home living with our parents. We couldn't get any time alone really, in total privacy and it didn't help. Damn it. It just hurts so much when the woman of your dreams that you would literally give up anything for walks out of your life.

She suggested that we don't contact each other for some time to allow each other to heal. She wants to get over me and so do I want to get over her. I don't know what the chances are of us getting back together. That might be painful too. I just don't know. I'd love to be her friend and we promised we would meet up. How long is too long or too short before seeing an ex girlfriend again?

I still love her a lot, and I would go back to her. She maybe needed time to get her head around what was happening and get some perspective. Wishful thinking probably. I dunno...I feel like I'm just an empty shell now. No matter who I end up with I'll always have fond feelings for the girl. I thought she was for me. We didn't argue, and were totally on the same wavelength. I don't regret being with her for a minute.

I learned a lot from the relationship, but I find it really sad that all the ties with her family and friends disappear. Need they not disappear permanently? I'd still like to be able to visit her some time, and see her cats e.t.c. Perhaps I sound pathetic.

Right now this moment, I'm finding the going really tough. Being a designer I'm just not able to create decent work. It only happened yesterday so I'm still just randomly falling to bits walking about the house not knowing what is going on. I find myself short of breath and end up concentrating too much on the breathing and I then I think I have some difficulty breathing. That has never happened to me before.

I don't hate the girl either. How could I if I still love her? Will this turn to hate? I'm thinking through frustration of the whole thing I might get annoyed with her, but I just don't want that to happen. I know she didn't mean to hurt me. She had a lot of things on her mind too - family stuff, plus her final year of college coming up.

Needless to say this is my first break up, and yet I don't think something like this would ever be easy. I thought I would share my feelings so far and as well as helpling me get things out, perhaps I can help someone else, or others help me.

[batitm]

It is always difficult to go through something like this. You sound like a very nice guy but I imagine she was your entire world and now your schedule is blank. The best thing to do is keep yourself very busy. Go out and have a good time, but don't go to the places you went with her. Give it some time, a month, two, three. . . .
Her actions will show you whether or not there is a chance she wants to get back together.

[goonage]

Thanks Batitm. You're right there, it is hard.

Sometimes I've felt okay about it, and then other times I go to the other extreme of almost panic. So far I've learned that crying a lot seems to help. It was like it was my body's natural way of releasing a build up of emotion that my brain couldn't cope with.

It's early days for me yet. I find all the reminders difficult to bear also. There are just so many. I have a lot of video footage of her. I know I can't watch it. I gave her a DVD of some footage. It was quite sad when she was giving me back one of my jumpers. I insisted that she keep it as it suited her better, but the poor girl just looked at me teary eyed and I knew she couldn't hold on to it because it would be a constant reminder of me.

It's so hard to avoid being reminded about things. I started reading a book in her house at the weekend, and she told me to hold on to it. I really like the book, but I look at it and there I remember her again.

We met in what I thought of at the time as a rather unusual fashion. I was still in University...2nd year or something I believe, and I was sitting at home using the computer doing something for college. I was using AOL Instant messenger at the time and randomly received a message from someone. She saw my name as an Irish name in the middle of a sea of Americans And she had only been using the internet for a week. We had a chat and stayed in touch for over 2 years via AOL IM. I hadn't really ever any intention of meeting her until... one day she invites me to meet her, and I did. It baffled us both that what if she had clicked on someone else. Well we knew what would have happened. Life is strange.

It turned out we only lived 30 miles from each other, but I'd know that for a long time. I had the most wonderful experience in my life. It was just so random and I couldn't believe I would meet someone fairly local that was my type and that found me their type! That part of my relationship with her didn't seem real almost. She had to make the first move too...so she effectively started and finished it.

Unfortunately for me I'm now at the other end of the stick. I expect that I will find hard times ahead. I'm sorry if I'm filling up this board with what is essentially nonsense to others, but it helps me getting it out. I'm still finding it hard to actually talk to someone about it in detail without breaking down, or just getting teary. I'll be able to chat about it more with people in a few days I think.

[goonage]

Slowly starting to feel better about this. Monday and Tuesday were the worst...just the total feeling of numbness and helplessness was hard to cope with. Now I wouldn't say I'm happy - far from it as it's only been 6 days. It'll probably come back and haunt me in waves. I wake up and remember, and feel sad, but as I wake up I feel better. I've been trying to get on with things, but find myself sitting around thinking introspectively and listening to melancholic music. It might sound bad, but it's just how I'm dealing with it. I'm drinking copious amounts of tea, and now that my appetite has returned that helps me feel better.

I have indirectly been in contact with her through a friend of hers - just to say I wanted to know she was being looked after. Her friend is very understanding, and I know she's being looked after.

A crap thing happened though - she was on holiday for a week about a month ago, and her postcard took ages to deliver. It arrived today. That was saddening. I've managed not to read any of our old e-mails to each other, or look at video footage, because I know that would be damaging.

I also am being looked after and had many phonecalls of support and visits from friends. It has been a pretty awful week though. I received a rejection from a job I applied for, and usually that would knock me down a bit, but this time It just went over my head because I couldn't have felt lower. Anyway, I am on the mend now.