[Smucks212]

Just wondering if anyone has thoughts are knowledge about jealousy and self-esteem. Is jealousy a sign of anything else besides self-esteem and does anyone have any coping mechanisms or ways they were able to turn from being overly jealous to just eliminating the negative emotion from theirself?

I ask because I have been in therapy for almost year working on relationship/self-esteem problems. It seems after being with my guys for four years I have lost myself down the way and gone from becoming a sort of independent person (before we started dating) to immersing myself into our relationship and being very jealous. Before if I was jealous I would be able to just keep it to myself, but the past year it seems it's harder and harder to do that. I do not see room for jealousy in a relationship and I feel I am stuck trying to work through waves that will help me remove it from my life, especially since he is so trusting and not jealous of me.

Thanks for any responses!

[Someoneguy]

Jealousy is obviously a form of low self-esteem or an insecurity. But I also believe it is a way for your mind to keep a skepticism about things. Obviously if your were totally secure about yourself you would have no jealousy..... because isn't it the insecurity that would cause a jealous reaction? haha i think im getting to philosophical, but i think i made the point.

[netrie]

Originally posted by Someoneguy
Jealousy is obviously a form of low self-esteem or an insecurity. But I also believe it is a way for your mind to keep a skepticism about things. Obviously if your were totally secure about yourself you would have no jealousy..... because isn't it the insecurity that would cause a jealous reaction? haha i think im getting to philosophical, but i think i made the point.

First of all, does your bf do things to provoke your insecurities? Flirt? Cheat? Emotional abuse? These are important areas to consider. It could be HIM and not you.

HOWEVER, it is your problem if you stay in such conditions if this is the case. Good for you to be seeking therapy! Look at all angles before you tear down yourself.

If he is a really neat sweet and caring person who is faithful---figure out why you are reacting to him. Sometimes, we can find out that certain loved ones actually indirctly invalidate us without us knowing. Compare it to a LEAK that is so undistinguishable, not visible, but the leak occurs regardless subletly. Very subtle.

Keep your ears, eyes open and think about the "words" he uses to communicate to you. Watch his body language. Something is going on inside of you to be detecting "whatever" is going on.

If it is in your own mind, then keep on exploring it.

Good luck,
Netalia

Personally speaking, I am very secure and trusting until I am given reason not to. Lying, cheating, etc. Then I become an insecure jealous monster and its very hard to reign it in. So I think that jealousy and insecurity are often a two-way street, we all have insecurities that are exacerbated by our significant other's behavior.

[Smucks212]

Well what I've worked through so far is that I don't trust my parents, but more my dad than my mom because of how I was treated when I grew up. That made me realize that I would try to trust people, but I was always more cautious and probably even though I thought it was trust, it wasn't. When we first got together he made me feel good about myself and respected me as a person.

The only "incident" (although I know it really shouldn't make or break the trust) was the fact that he smoked cigarettes occasionally when we began dating (and before) and I just didn't want to be around that so I asked what his view on it was and he told me he didn't like doing it anyways (he did it more for social reasons) so he wouldn't smoke anymore. The next day, I was walking to class (he thought I wasn't around) and he was sitting out there smoking a cigarette. That moment I felt shaky, naucious, betrayed....everything I woudl probably feel if he cheated on me, but it was only a cigarette!

Since then I had a hard time believing certain things he would tell me, but after we talked about it I felt it was something we could work through. Since then he has never done anything like that, he has NEVER indicated any actions that would leave me to believe he would cheat on me (if anything I am the more flirty type) yet I have that stuck in my head too (or more that he woudl connect with someone emotionally than physically cheat). I know that about 95% of it is in my head...that's one of the reasons I am curious to know if anyone was able to work through this. I guess I am impatient in a way also, I just hate how it ruins things between us and how I feel like I can't control the jealousy when it takes over my body like that. I notice I almost try to "protect" myself like "if i don't trust i won't get hurt" which is insane when I hear it out loud, I know, but it just feels like it's uncontrollable thinkign

[July]

Oh Boy!!!

I totally can feel you pain about the jealousy, not trusting, self-esteem in relationships.

I was with my now ex-husband for 10 years (we started dating at 20, married at 30 divorced shortly thereafter) and up until now (im 32) I have never had any jealousy, insecurity, nothing. With regard to the trust cheating thing he was no worry at all. We never had any problems in that area. Things deteriorated a while before the wedding but I was too much a coward to end it, I thought It would get better. It didn't and I ended up cheating on him, with someone I knew, a friend and it grew into love. I ended my marriage and am with the new guy. I know, all readers are cursing me and hate me, but if I could go back in time I would change everything (how much i hurt him, everything, I carry alot of guilt and so I should - its the least I deserve for being so horrible).

I am about 1 1/2 years into the new relationship, which is plagued by mistrust, jealousy and insecurity. I know it stems from what happened but I am so mistrusting of my new guy its brutal. Even though he is hasn't cheated on me reassures me etc. Sometimes with the jealousy thing, because of stuff that happened to us before, we can ruin relationships with insecure bull****.

If your guy is not doing anything to make you jealous and you know its all you...you really have to get a hold of yourself. I know its hard and all-consuming and draining to go through the insecure bull****. The fact that you are in therapy is fantastic, you realize you have jealousy issues. But you have 2 choices, try to get over this or leave him. I know you know this but in black in white thats what u have to deal with.

In these kinds of realtionships you do lose yourself, I am losing myself as we speak. The only thing that I know I should do is find things to do independently or with other people, not the boyfriend. Doing these things improves self-esteem which is the culprit of jealousy. Make yourself feel GOOD with out it having to do with him. Go to a day spa (if u can), have your nails done. Anything that YOU want to do to make YOURSELF feel better.

When you said that sometimes you think "if I don't trust, I can't get hurt" I almost cried. Thats how I think too.......I feel if my guard is down then most certainly something bad will happen. My boyfriend says that I won't let me be happy, if things are goin' good I wait for the bottom to fall out. He's right.....and that sounds like you too.

I am also trying to find ways to get over this and live a happy life but its hard. I am doing things for me, now, and it seems to be working a little bit. I take it day-by-day and that helps me.

Good luck!!

[Crux-]

It really sounds like you need to find yourself, I think the problem is that you never let yourself be on your own. Jumping from relationship from relationship is a very dangerous thing. It does not give you time to know your postive and negative personal traits.

If your inscure about yourself jealously will allways creep in. I think you need to look at your situation outside the relationship. See if its certain actions or vibes he is giving off.

[Smucks212]

July - sounds like we can relate in more ways than one! The thing that's weird with me is that sometimes I do have that self-confidence or security within myself to not respond in a jealous manner when he tells me something that normally would strike that reaction, but it's very rare. So lately I have been trying to see what I feel when I am like that and see if I can almost practice just reacting in different ways, with less and less jealousy to show.

I think for some people they can trust too easily and for others it is just something that comes way too hard (like us) whether its from your childhood and relationship with your family members or from past relationships. The thing with me (and I'm mentioning this too because Crux made a comment you lose yourself more going from relationship to relationship) is that this is the only real seriousl relationship I have ever been in and I am not unhappy in it or want to go "see what else is out there" I am just an insecure person who never realized that until I had somebody to share my feelings/thoughts/love with and almost took advantage of it in a way that wanted that person all to myself. I never think that if we break up I need to go find someone new right away, which is why (even thought it is more challenging) I want to (and it sounds like you do too) build that security up within myself while i'm in the relationship because I don't think I'm so insecure that I have absolutely no confidence in myself, it's just when he has other girl friends because I haven't met any of them and he hardly talks/shares much about them. The only reason I haven't met them too is because of the timing of everything, not because he doesn't want me to.

So I'm trying to trust, I know that trust is either there or its not and I know what it's like when its not so it seems like it shoudl be such an easy answer "just trust him or get out of the relationship!!" I've been told that for so long, maybe it's time to take that risk a little further and see if it does the opposite of not trusting, I just don't understand why it is so hard sometimes!!