My girlfriend and I have been together for 14 months and besides are little tiffs here and there things have been good. I’m 24 years old and this is my first meaningful long-term relationship, while she’s 27 and has been in a couple long term relationships (2 years, 5 years). I learn a lot from her each and every day, she longs for me to open up to her but I remain neutral in situations, sometimes not bringing up things that bother me about her. This of course makes her feel paranoid that eventually this will turn into resentment and could possibly be the downfall in our relationship.
I seem to do whatever it takes to avoid an argument and I think this stems from constantly seeing my parents argue while growing up. I’m now at the point where I’d rather just convince myself everything is peachy and we have a “perfect” relationship than actually deal with the common problems that everyone in a relationship has.
I would love to just open up to her, to tell her my wants, needs and what are the things that bother me but it’s really unchartered territory for me. How can I, as Bill Murray would say, “Baby Step” my way into expressing these feelings to her.
In fact, the fact that you realise that this needs to be changed, and are willing to change it, makes you a very good boyfriend.
How about writing a nice letter? That way you can lavish praise where it counts, and say the things that bother you, where it counts. It will also allow you to read it again the next day and censor it as necessary.
I could try writing a nice letter to her. We exchange emails frequently, and while I would rather express myself to her in person, she would rather write it in an email. This past weekend I tried to talk with her about it, but instead of having the conversation with me, she held off and waited to write an email.
She didn’t want to continue the conversation because she didn’t want to cry in front of me. I’ve broken down in front of her, tears streaming down my face but for she doesn’t want to portray a “weak” side of her.
By all means write a letter because it gives you a chance to speak without interuption. But verbal communication is essential to a successful relationship.
Watch out you don't fall into the trap of becoming angry and creating resentment. Remember to praise her good qualities because that's why you love her.
Also listen to her because nobody's perfect and she will have alot of ammo stored up. Honesty is critical to a good relationship. It is what they work on first at the marriage encounter programs.
Flexibility is also important because everyone is different. If you disagree on something, that's okay, as long as you respect each others opinion. Small tifs will work themselves out over time.
You told us very easily, just tell her the same way. let her know that u are afraid to end up arguing like ur parents and that is why u dont like to be confrentational that she will know its not her and that is always very important.
Just tell her the same way u told us.
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"its not how many times u get knocked down its how many times u get up that counts."
These are all good suggestions. I would strongly suggest a letter over email, and write it, dont type it on the computer. It sounds like shes having issues being completely open with you too since shes still afraid to cry in front of you.
I used to be like you and tried not to rock the boat in relationships...and I used to build up some major resentments which ended up coming out in other ways and led to problems.
Are you the same with other relationships (friends, etc), or just with her? If its with everyone, you may want to look at that. For myself, I got into therapy and it really helped me a lot to learn to deal with conflict and confrontation,etc. If you can afford it, it might help. A mens therapy group might even work out better and would probably be cheaper than individual therapy.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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