I don't know what to do. Our relationship is very aggressive--I am not the easiest person. However, I never critice him because I want to be a source of support for him. He doesn't do that for me. He is always picking on everything and literally telling me he is better than me. We have been dating for about 2 years (LDR) and he had a 5 year relationship before which he said was perfect--they never fought like us. I went on vacation with his family for the first time this past labor day. We had a great time and I fit in very well which his father and step-mom kept telling me. One night, he said he was going to propose to me and we were going to be together forever. The next day he said "I really had you going there, didn't I?" I was upset but this is the type of thing he always does. His step-mother noticed I was a bit reserved and asked if I was OK. I told her what had happened which I felt odd doing, but I needed to talk to someone. I asked if he had ever treated his other girlfriend's like this and she said she didnt feel comfortable discussing. I apologized for being out of line. Later on, he went for a walk, and she approached me about it. We got into a long conversation and she told me that he used to put down his ex just as much and she (the step-mother) had to leave the room it was so unbearable. She said I was stronger and seemed to put him in his place better than the ex because the ex was very weak---although she was very sweet. I told her he had told me I brought it out of him and she was mortified. I asked her why she thought he behaved this way and she said he had always been this way. Disrespectful to women. He lost his mother at a young age (cancer) and I don't think he ever got over it. I feel like he is mean to women who love him because he is afraid they will "leave" like his mother did. I love him so much and want things to work. The good is so good. I just want to help him break this cycle. Any thoughts? Is it even possible?
Last edited by SamanthaX; 10th September 2004 at 12:38 AM..
Have you tried talking to him about it? I don't think he can solve this problem until he knows what he is doing. If you let him know how you feel when he does criticize you he may see what he is doing. It is hard to break habits that have been around for a while and have deeply set roots. Personally I don't think anyone should have to endure those kinds of things, especially from the ones they love. But if both of you truly love each other, he will be willing to make an effort to change with your support. There is only so much one person can take though and you shouldn't put your health at risk. If he isn't willing to atleast try then he doesn't love you as much as he should and you may want to think about finding someone who does. GOOD LUCK.
I was going through something similar with my boyfriend. We have been together now for approaching 2 years and he had a problem with extreme jealousy and putting me down thinking if he made me feel bad that I wouldn't be able to leave him (plus he had anger issues from his past).
We had a bad fight one day and things got out of hand, we ended up splitting up and I guess that opened his eyes. He realized he had a problem, sought help (seeing a therapist) and since then things have been a lot better. He had a lot of un-resolved issues he didn't realize as well and talking to someone about them has really made him change for the better.
Basically what I'm trying to say is that if you really love him and he can realize and admit he has a problem and obviously he has to want to change, then maybe things can work out. I don't believe all people with issues are bad people nor do I believe that all people who have tendencies to be abusive emotionally can't change.
He needs to realize the problem and go from there. Good luck on whatever you decide to do. If you decide leaving him is the right thing to do then I hope you find someone with less issues but if you decide to stick it out with him then I wish you the best of luck and hope things work out for you two.
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~ What did SHE just say (and she said it out loud)?!?~
Love is an easy word to say. Make him prove it with his actions.
Sweetie, you are in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship...with a repeat offender. Now I'm not saying that people can't change. I know I'll probably sound harsh, but it's only because I've been there and done that. My advice to you is to tell him to hit the road until he shapes up. I know that sounds so harsh compared to what others have said, but I've worked in a clinic with tons of nice ladies who wanted nothing more than to help their physically or verbally abusive men "break the cycle." They can't. The guy's on his own there, and sadly, many of them do not change. No form of abuse is acceptable and I think any woman in this position needs to shake off that urge to be nurturing and find some excuse for this type of behavior (oh, this happened to him when he was a kid, blah, blah, blah) and try to change the man, and tell him that he's disrespectful and just plain mean and he needs to take care of that and perhaps then you can work something out. Sorry if I sound harsh....it's probably just based on my experience....
Just be careful and PLEASE at least tell him either to knock it off or get the hell out and stick to that.
I have tried talking to him and he tells me to have thicker skin. It has gotten so bad and just dont know if it is the distance or if he is trying to make me break up with him. He has gotten colder and colder in response to my lamentations about his behavior. But, something inside me tells me he is the one. I am so scared to walk away.
Originally posted by SamanthaX
I have tried talking to him and he tells me to have thicker skin. It has gotten so bad and just dont know if it is the distance or if he is trying to make me break up with him. He has gotten colder and colder in response to my lamentations about his behavior. But, something inside me tells me he is the one. I am so scared to walk away.
He told you his last relationship was perfect, his step mother revealed the sordid truth to you.
And him losing his mother is no excuse for treating women like dirt. Absurd.
Something inside of you is wrongly telling you he is the one because you havent envisioned anyone better than him coming along.
He's deluded and vituperous. Is that THE ONE for you ?
Sit down and talk to him. Make clear, and I mean CLEAR, that he has to change. If he doesnīt listen, tell him to get lost. Inconsiderate behavior is selfish and not acceptable in a relationship. People who donīt understand that and want things to go their way shouldnīt be in relationships. Period.
No offence but you other half sounds like insecure boy! There is no reason to hurt somones feelings like that. you are supposed to be couple who love each other. Turn round and tell him straight that if he dont stop putting you down then you will walk. He might then reliase what a pig he has been and treat you better. If he dont then he really dont care for your feelings and he dont deserve then anyway.
I agree, you can't let him treat you this way forever. I think you should talk to him, like the other posters have said. If he is still hung up on his mother's death, maybe you can suggest him get therapy for it.
Totally agree. He might actuallt going through depression, Then he should go a see somone. because even though you an emotional shoulde to cry on, you not a punch bag for his anger/frustration!
Thats just the thing, he is never depressed. He is very upbeat. He will never seek therapy. When I tell him to stop putting me down, he tells me he doesnt know what I am talking about. I am so frustrated.
You know a lot of people in the world are depressed over 1 thing or another and dont even know it. I would say he is either depressed or he is just a heartless git!
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What did SHE just say (and she said it out loud)?!?
Love is an easy word to say.
Make him prove it with his actions.
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