[bulldoggirl]

Here's the deal:
My husband of 2 years cheated on me while at a bachelor party in March. He had been drinking heavily, and this girl was very "aggressive" with him. He says she practically dragged him outside & they started to have sex. He said he stopped it as soon as he realized what was going on. He told me what happened about 3 weeks later. This was the beginning of April. I kicked him out & he stayed with his parents until May, when he moved back home...since then things have been going well, we just got back from spending a weekend away (our 1st since our honeymoon).


So what's the problem? Well, I just can't seem to "get over it". I know these things take time, and I'm not really trying to rush it, but it hurts so bad sometimes. I'll be fine for awhile, then all the sudden I'll start bawling because something reminds me of that night. Another reason I'm still bothered is that this happened once before, when he was away at college.....drinking, things got outta hand, etc. We weren't married yet. That time hurt also, but I could understand why it happened....he was 21, living the college "lifestyle" of partying a lot, so I forgave him....this time is different....we're married.


I've had so many people just say, "leave him, you can find better, etc" but the thing is, he's a great husband!!! Very hardworking, tender & gentle with me, very caring, etc....not at all your "typical" cheater....for example, during the month we were split up, he was literally sick because he felt so ashamed of what he did, to him it was an embarassment to himself, me, and our families...so its not like he goes out looking to cheat.

Anyway, I still think about it alot & I think I'm kinda afraid to completely trust him again. After the 1st time, I thought he'd NEVER do it again....especialy after we got married because he's just not that kind of person. So this time around I don't want to get burned again....I'm so afraid of getting hurt again, but at the same time I know if it happens again we will get a divorce because I'm better than all that garbage.

One more thing, when something like this happens, everyones first suggestion is to go get counseling....well we did that & weren't happy with it....we both felt it was a waste of time. The counselor said we need to leave it in the past & NEVER bring it up again....ok, in a sense I understand that....as in don't throw it in his face whenever we argue, etc. But I feel better sometimes if we talk about it....I almost feel as though if we just bury it (like we did the 1st time) it could happen again.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I'm hoping someone with similar experience can let me know that these thoughts & flashbacks are normal & that I'm not crazy!!

[Lt. Living]

I am sorry for the pain that you are going through. I currently have a post under Second Chances if you would like to check it out. Please believe me that you are not alone - I felt like that too.

The emotional roller coaster that you are on is inevitable. There is not much to do except strap yourself in and hold on tight. It will eventually stop all of the ups and downs and twists and turns. The old saying - just give it time - is true. Your mind, body and soul need this time to cope with the hurt, anger and despair.

I wish that I could give you advice but I am not in any position to do that. I just wanted to tell you to be true to your heart and take care of yourself.

[JumpRun]

Drop him like a bad habit.

[Leikela]

Not every counselor practices the same beliefs. Both you and your husband didn't like the way the counselor handled the situation, so find another one. It's like finding the right Dr. You have to feel some out before you decide which one you like the best. I would definitely look into counseling with another counselor.

As for your husband's actions, perhaps he should give up drinking all together. Apparently he can't control himself when he's drunk. If he goes to another bachelor party, make him promise he won't get hammered. That's really all you can do. The counselor will help you regain his trust again and hopefully you'll start feeling better soon. These things are never easy and I wish you the best.

[Matilda]

I don't think it's time to leave him either. He sounds like a good guy who has made a couple of stupid mistakes. I agree that he needs to not drink in those situations, or just not go to events where there is a possibility of a situation like that.

I also think you should see if you can find a different counselor. I think it might be good to go to counseling just on your own, and then maybe bring your husband in as well when your counselor thinks you're ready. A good counselor can help you sort through your feelings, and help you decide the best response to your husband's behavior.

Here are a couple links to articles on how to find a counselor:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/grap...counselor.html

http://www.parentsplace.com/expert/f...105967,00.html

I want to add that I have been to a couple counselors in the past who have done nothing for me. But I have also been to a couple who have helped me change my life for the better.