I guess our situations are very much alike then. We have been through a lot in the last seven years with his ex-wife, from losing a house and having no where to live, him losing his job twice with a company that he has been with for 14 years. He got his job back both times but it took 10 months the last time and it was the day before Thanksgiving when he was fired the second time and I was pregnant. he didn't want to find another job because the union kept telling him they were going to get his job back for him. We have been though a custody battle to try and get custody of his 10 year old daughter and thankfully we at least got joint custody. His daughter and I were in a terribly wreck over a year ago and she got a bad scar on her face and had to have plastic surgery and her mother keeps threatening to sue me. He has lost 3 grandparents since we have been together. My sister and her husband are going through a nasty divorce and my brother-in-law keeps trying to put us in the middle and getting my husband to take his side. So it constantly one thing after another. I still think his ex-wife is the worst part of our life. She will not leave us alone and is constantly stirring up things and making a big deal out of everything, when we do everything we can for their child. She has nothing to complain about. Anyway, I feel like outside forces have really done our marriage in. We have counseling tonight and I think I am going to ask for a separation. I don't know exactly what we will do because I don't feel right about either one of us leaving the house.
I still think his ex-wife is the worst part of our life. She will not leave us alone and is constantly stirring up things and making a big deal out of everything, when we do everything we can for their child. She has nothing to complain about.
Has your husband consulted with his attorney about this?
We have counseling tonight and I think I am going to ask for a separation. I don't know exactly what we will do because I don't feel right about either one of us leaving the house.
Of course, you do have to do what you feel is right. Only you can decide that. And you wouldn't necessarily need to decide today.
A separation doesn't mean it's the end. Yes, you'd be exiting your "comfort zone," such as it is. But with your current situation being what it is, you'll never be able to make a sensible decision about how you feel about the relationship. A properly structured separation, one with good control & open communication be the catalyst that saves the relationship.
If you read about the aforementioned "healing separation," you'll see that the goal is to prevent divorce, & to restore the relationship to health. The personal growth & rediscovery would hopefully also enable you to better deal with all these other issues in your lives as well.
It would probably not be pleasant or enjoyable, but how could it be any worse than your present situation?
What could the attorney do about her being manipulative, angry and hateful? She (the attorney) told us it wasn't against the law to be hateful and ignorant. I have really let my husband deal with everything involving his ex over the last 6 months. I used to call and ask if we could get her for special occasions, if he wasn't able to call and things like that but now I completely leave it up to him. It's not my stuff to deal with and I guess I shouldn't have gotten involved in the beginning and left it all up to him. Sometimes I think I care more about his daughter than he does and I guess that is another area that has brought on resentment from me.
What could the attorney do about her being manipulative, angry and hateful? She (the attorney) told us it wasn't against the law to be hateful and ignorant.
I was thinking her actions being harrassment of some kind. It's not against the law to be hateful & ignorant, of course, but if she's knowingly inflicting mental distress, anguish, etc. that would be actionable. Case law is full of suits with far less merit than this.
If there was some way of removing his ex as a factor for the time being, the stress level could be significantly reduced, I would think. Maybe exploring this together with your husband would preclude the need for a separation.
Reading my last post, I realize my thoughts seem contradictory.
Yours appears to be a very confusing & complex situation, which of course you're painfully aware of. You & your husband really need to work with your counselor to find the best solution for you, as he is much more familiar with you & everything.
I'm only saying you need to do something. Leaving things like this will evenutally leave you either dead of a coronary or stroke, or being fitted for a straitjacket & a padded room.
I went through a very painful divorce myself about 12 years ago, an experience that I would not wish upon my worst enemy. I hate to see that happen to people, or more specifically I regret the circumstances that cause people to take such an action.
I'm a little over 8 years into a much better 2nd marriage to a lovely, wonderful Christian woman. Even still, the bad memories resurface periodically, & unfortunately colors things in our relationship. She is quite understanding, & has forgiven more trespasses than any man deserves.
ahh...hope for the future, even though thoughts of a second marriage makes me want to barf.
Well, let's not think about it that way. We're trying to save & mend your present relationship. And _I_ don't think it's hopeless yet.
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I am glad you found peace and happiness.
It was some time getting there, & even after all this time I still have periodic relapses. Marriages are, by nature, high-maintenance relationships, requiring a lot of effort from both partners under the best of circumstances.
Hope your counseling session goes well tonight. Let us know how that goes.
Re: We had a 2 hour counseling session on Saturday
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Originally posted by Guinevere04
He says he is commited enough to try and play nice for the long haul. I told him that I will give him the opportunity to try it to be like he was when we first met and put the crabby husband away. The counselor thinks this is fair, and if I don't want to live in turmoil, I don't have to. I know the reason I want to work it out because of our child and I know that's wrong. He wants to work it out because he loves me. But I hoping that if he truly starts being nice again, I hope I will feel like I used to. Miracles can happen I guess.
She has mentioned us possibly separating, but she really leaves that stuff to us.
A couple of things... play nice - his words or yours? If his words... why would he be playing at being nice?
The reason YOU want to work it out, for the child... but you know that's wrong. Knowing this, you are already starting off on the wrong foot. Is your hubby aware that you are only wanting to try to work it out for the child? How does he feel about that?
Last - I know it's been a while since this original post... how are things lately? Is the counseling helping?
Hi Guinenvere
I have spent a couple of really difficult couple of days, I just wanted to see how you were doing with your husband. I hope things are getting better. I posted something on my thread "Does seperation mean it's over, loneliness takes over" if you could please read it. Mainly becasue we are going through similar problems, only reversed and maybe if you read it you could give me your advice. I hope all is well, with you. I am still praying......
Lesly
Originally posted by Guinevere04 We have counseling tonight and I think I am going to ask for a separation. I don't know exactly what we will do because I don't feel right about either one of us leaving the house.
How did the counseling session go? Any thoughts you care to share?
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