[Passion2]

Well it actually all started last night..my dad went to get some food for din din...I wanted a freakin salad..I didn't eat all day because I work from 8am till 4:30 and I don't like to eat when I work because I always get really bad chest pains from it..so anyways...my dad comes home with NO SALAD...so ofcorse I was pissed..I had to eat nasty ass pizza..so I start going downstairs and my Dad FREAKING GROUNDS ME CUZ HE SAID I WAS BEING A BITCH ABOUT IT..so now I'm stuck at home friday night..friday nights I go roller skating..I know I'm a little too old to be roller skating..but i'm obsessed...my parents treat me like I'm 2..I'll be 19 in november, anyways...so then hell broke lose...I went downstairs got so pissed off and did something I shouldn't of..

A couple years ago I had a bad habbit of cutting my wrist when I was pissed..I stopped doing that but last night I took a thing of staples and started cutting my wrist with it again..right where my scars are from before..so anyways now my wrist is all marked up..Its hot as hell and I have to wear long sleeves..errr...I just don't understand myself sometimes

So anyways this morning I got up to go to work...I had to get a shower and so did my sister..we have 4 bathrooms in our house but ofcourse me and my sister have to share 1..so anyways I can't find anything to wear and guess what she does..she goes in the bathroom and gets a shower just to piss me off and try to screw me over...everyone is making fun of me in my house because I started crying and started screaming like a mad women to give me my pants which were already in the bathroom..

then my sister gets done and she throws this hanger at me..hit me right in the leg and now there is a nasty mark there..but anyways..then my mom MAKES ME PAY HER TO TAKE ME TO WORK..I DON'T HAVE MY LICENSE YET..LONG STORY...so I go into work all pissed off...then I suck it up and keep a fake ass smile on my face all day..damn that was hard..

...errrrrrrrr ahhhhhhhh I want to scream right now..

[uriel]

I know these things are important to you, and I don't want to belittle that, Passion -- but you'd be more at peace if you'd work to focus on the bigger issues in your life. All this stuff isn't that important in the big picture.

What you're really upset about is a feeling that you aren't valued or respected in your home. You feel alien, different, from your family. When, what you really want is to feel loved and cared for for who you are. That your dad didn't bring home the salad, that your sister didn't let you in the bathroom, means to you that they don't feel that way. You might think more about how your emotional states and the way you are treating them might be creating a bad cycle.

They assume you don't like them and will fly off the handle, so they treat you like you're out of control -- a complete drama queen. You act like a drama queen to demonstrate to them how badly they are hurting you -- to punish them, to vent the pain, almost to a cartoonish extreme (given what the catalyst for the pain is in their eyes -- a missing salad, a bathroom delay). When they don't react as you want, by feeling bad about how they are treating you, you internalize that as feeling like you are worthless, awful, horrible. Self-punishment becomes a release for those feelings.

The issue is: Why don't you feel loved and valued as you are? How can you find that feeling in yourself? How can you work to remind those who should love you that you are lovable? How can you express your love for them -- even when you feel like you're a dry well from their neglect?

-- uriel

[Passion2]

Thanks for replying uriel!

My problems are the big things going on in my life...I let those get to me and then eventually every little thing gets too me too. In my big picture those little things to you that seemed little are big too me. My whole life revolves around the things I like to do..and no eating a salad is not one of them..but the whole reason why I was pissed off in the first place is because I got grounded and I can't do something that means the world to me - although that might sound a little immature and stupid to you. I am going to be 19 years old..I have 3 jobs..and the only time I ever have time for fun is usually on Friday nights.

Now before someone says this...I would move out if I had my license..I'm still working on that..long story...anyways I know it's my parents house and I have to live by their rules but their rules are ****..they deliberately grounded me so they could go out and go gambling.

Anyways..I don't care what my parents say..I'm having my friend come over and we are watching movies and we're gonna have fun - I'm tired of living a no life..I have 1 friend because of all this and it gets on his nerves that I'm never allowed to do anything.

....Isn't life supposed to be fun at this age? mine sure as hell isn't. I hate it!

[Samson]

we have 4 bathrooms in our house

Do you know how many people have this many bathrooms in their homes? Very Few Dearie!

You're 19?

Your dad didn't bring you a salad?

Passion, it is taking every fiber of my being to couch my phrases right now.

You deserve to be treated like a 2 year old.

Sorry.

This is as PC a remark as I was able to conjure.

[uriel]

I was very unhappy at home when I was around your age, too. I ended up going off to college at 17, staying one more summer at 18, and never going back. Believe me, I know how you feel.

But, you shouldn't let those little things be your big things -- that's what I'm saying. That gives you such a small sense of yourself. You're an incredible, unique person, like we all are. You need to make yourself focus on who you are becoming and what you can do -- every day, little by little -- to become that person. You also might think about how you can give love to others -- friends, people in your community, and even your annoying family. It takes love to make love.

For me, reading was the way out. Maybe for you, it's music or art or whatever. Be who you want to become and you will soon find that your own small world is bigger and better because of it.

-- uriel