Cheating, Flirting, and JealousyBeing unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.
Well 5 days ago my life as I know it was ripped from me. Before last saturday I had the perfect girlfriend. She was the most loving, caring, brilliant person I've ever met. She is an honor student at a major University, the best at everything she does. I"ve been with her for four years. She was 17 when I met her and I was 20. Here is where I think the problem stems. She got in a committed relationship while to young. It doesn't matter what has happened to me is completely wrong. I saw her last friday. I even stayed the night at her dorm. Nothing was different. I told her I loved her and she said she loved me. I left saturday morning to hang out with friends. She came over saturday night looking like she had seen a ghost. I knew something was very wrong. She tells me she doesn't see herself living her life with me. I asked her if there was someone else and she said no. I flipped out and screamed that I never wanted to see her again and she left. The week before I noticed a rash on my penis. I was a little worried and I went to the doctor. He said it was a staph infection and he was 95 percent sure it was herpes, but he tested anyways. I didn't really worry about it much. Well sure enought he called 2 days later and said it was herpes. I was really confused. I knew rebecca wouldn't cheat on me. So I called her and she says she has a "friend" over. Right then I knew something was seriously wrong. Here I am grieving and she has another guy waiting in the wings. I went over right away and told her the doctor said I have herpes. I asked her if she knew how I got it? She began to cry and admitted to me she had unprotected sex with the bartender on a trip she took to germany a month ago. She said she was drunk and admitted it happened several times. Then I asked what about this other guy. She admitted they had been seeing each other for 2 weeks and had sex with a condom. Well there pretty much went my life. I still somehow think I can take her back because I love her so much and I know this isn't her. Something had to snap in her head. Why wouldn't she tell me? I wouldn't have herpes and maybe aids. I have to wait 6 weeks to know for sure. She acted completly normal the past month. this makes no sense. Please help me
I think you're nuts for even considering taking her back at this point. Perhaps this isn't the girl you've known for the last several years or thought you knew, but I doubt anything "snapped" in her head, other than the thought that she was attracted to others and thought she could get away with cheating. Which is why she probably didn't tell you. Cause she thought she could get away with it. Perhaps she feels she's still young and longs for her freedom...who knows. As you said, that's no excuse for what she's done to you. Not only did she betray your trust by cheating, but she was irresponsible and gave you an STD. Four years is a long time to put in with someone. No doubt about that. But you don't need to be with anyone who's capable of doing this to you, regardless of why. My advice would be to stay away from her now. I'm very sorry this has happened to you and do wish you luck in whatever you decide.
Thank you for replying. I feel so lost. I know my girlfriend. Something went wrong with her. I asked her if she was raped by the guy in germany and she said she didn't know. She then admitted that it happened several times. I can somehow forgive her for this because she was drunk, but where in the heck did this second guy come from? I think that she was kinda taken advantage of but somehow liked it and it started a chain reaction. I made a huge mistake by looking in her trashcan and seeing the condom from the second guy. I dont see how I can go on. I have herpes I wont know if I have aids for sure for a month. NO girl will want me. I know it sounds sick, but I still feel I can be with her if a pychologist somehow discovers why would she act out like this. After she told me she had done this she said she didn't like her self and wanted people to like her and that her childhood was messed up. Her parents were divorced when she was 6 but she always said her father was there for her. I don't even know if I'm making sense I'm so distraught. I can forgive her. This is not her. Something very wrong happened. God please make this pain go away
I'm very sorry. I can't even imagine the pain you must be going through. I stand by my statement that nothing entitles her to act this way. But I understand that you probably do not want to let her go, and don't want to believe that she is capable of this. I'm sure I wouldn't either. Please at least take some time to yourself. This has all happened at once, and it sounds like you could use some time to reflect and clear your head. Good luck.
I know you want to try to figure out some sort of way to justify how this has happened. As most people do. There may not ever be a reason for it. She may not even know.
I do not think it is wise to ask her if she were raped. You are trying to find a way to justify it in your own mind so you can figure out how to deal with it and try to give yourself hope.
Maybe this isn't her "normal" behavior. To what your standards of what you feel she is. The fact is ii happened. And if it happened a month ago and then she has someone new where you are now too. Maybe, you don't know her as well as you think you do.
Maybe, she had feelings of running free and what ever happened wherever she went, really brought then on strong.
What she did was very wrong to you. And to betray you that way was awful.
I think you need to try to take care of you. She made some decisions that hurt you terrible. Don't try changing in your head of what happened because that will only lead to more heart ache.
As for the herpes, It is the most spread disease around right now and the numbers are getting higher.
What it means for you. Spend$257 a month for pills. Be honest with yourself about it and don't have unprotected sex.
Someday someone will come along and you can be honest with them and tell them, hey this is me and you know what they will take you for who you are. Don't be so hard on yourself. Women aren't always so harsh. And some will understand and take you for who you are.
Try to relax. I know waiting for an aids test is harder then hell, be patient with yourself and remember, you did not ask for this, however it happened, and now you have to figure out what step 2 is.
The only person I've told about this is a shrink. I had to pay a 100 dollars because my insurance doesn't cover it. I haven't told any of my friends or family. I think my mom is putting it together she knew I went to the dr. for a urinary tract infection. I feel as if I can't tell anyone until I know for sure I can't be with her. Then I guess I will confide to a friend that she cheated on me. I will never tell anyone about the herpes or waiting for the HIV test. I took one and it was negative, but if I had it it wouldn't have shown up yet. I have to go back in mid october. My girlfriend or whatever she is is going next week. I assume if she is negative I will be ok because its been over a month since she had sex with that guy in Germany. I dont see how a girl who doesn't have herpes would go out with me. Why would she? Condoms dont even stop it. There is viral shedding you never know when its contagious. My only way will be a herpes dating service. Seriously if your boyfriend told you he had herpes you wouldn't have sex with him. This whole situation is absolutly ridiculous. How could god do this to me? I did nothing wrong. I'm a good person and this is what I get. Why didn't she tell me she cheated on me? I wouldn't never have had sex with her and I wouldn't have this problem. A week ago I had a perfect life. I cant get these visions out of my head. I just see her with these disgusting guys and she likes it. I'm glad I found this messageboard at least someone will here me.
What I'm about to suggest is not going to be a very popular idea. I don't care. You may even think it's terrible yourself, but trust me on this when I say that doing as I tell you will make you feel a lot better. Chasing after this this woman will only make you feel WORSE. You know that, but you're too weak to let go and do what needs to be done. This "relationship" is beyond repair and this woman has ruined your life, in more ways than one. Your heart is broken. You have been made a fool of. You have contracted an STD and as you said, NO woman will want anything to do with you anymore. What if you DO have AIDS? She will have sentenced you to a slow painful death. She has destroyed your life as you know it, and almost any chance of future happiness, all because she wanted to "explore".
You have to get revenge, my friend. By continuing to chase her and forgive her, you are showing her that what she did to you was completely ok and that she can do it again to anyone she pleases with no consequences. You must show her otherwise. So, what I suggest is this. Make it so HER social life is ruined as well. The herpes won't stop her from having a good time and getting laid after hurting you terribly without a care in the world. She could always just lie, as she's proven to you personally that she can do.
Are you really going to just accept it? What if you have AIDS? Are you going to accept your own miserable death out of some idiotic sense of "love"?
I am terribly sorry about what has happened to you. But please don't just go crawling back for more after she's kicked you in the face and pissed on you. Be a man.
Sincerely,
GM
Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 3rd September 2004 at 9:56 AM.
Reason: Removed inappropriate comments.
I think you are more pissed than me man. I admit I've had thoughts of some not good things, but I would never go through with them. I do not want to go to work at all. The only thing I can look forward to is the three day weekend, but what for? Just so I can sit and think about this even more. I need to find someone with herpes to encourage me. I"m just going to go to bed. I sound like a broken record.
I'd also say you are mushy in the head to consider taking this girl back. She cheated on you, and drunkenness is no excuse. She never even told you, and probably never even planned to. She's now seeing a new guy, and he's going to have a happy day when they both realize condoms will not adequately protect against many sorts of nasty STDs out there — Especially herpes. Condoms do not cover every part of the skin "down there" which can become infected. If he isn't extremely lucky, and he catches it from her, she'll have a lot of time to do some thinking.
I think it's irresponsible that she did not get tested after this incident, and I'm sure the new guy has no idea she is carrying herpes. As difficult as it sounds, you should probably just accept the fact that something did go wrong, it is too late to fix it, and move on. If you want to take her back, go ahead. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who is irresponsible, jeapardized your health, and is dishonest to you? I don't think you can trust her again.
You are taking too many things in at once. First thing you need to worry about, is your health. It is a scary time, since you don't know what this other guy had. Just having herpes though does not mean you have aids. They should be able to do a HIV test right away on you though. That is different from aids, but its the starting point for it. If you don't have HIV, you don't have AIDS.
Was your relationship really that good before all this happened? Be honest here. This is important. At any time, has she mentioned anything about you neglecting her, or acting a little more distant? Has she been depressed for more than two weeks? Like not eating, not going to school, etc..? Was she verbally, emotionally or physically abused when she was a child? Was she raped by this guy in germany?
What you two need to do right away is to see a marriage counselor. Even though you aren't married, you both need help through this. My recommendation would be not to pursue her too hard, but to tell her that if she needs to talk that you will be there. Let her come to you when she's ready. I know that is hard, but she has alot going on through her head. Apparently she's been keeping things bottled up for a long time, not being able to communicate it the right way and it has come out in this form. Going to a counselor will help her get through this. I can't stress that enough.
The reason why she did this, wasn't because she hates you. It wasn't because the sex felt good, and believe it or not it sounds like she didn't do this for selfish reasons. Sounds like she has alot of past issues she has not dealt with successfully and it's led to this. God did not do this to you, it was a set of unfortunate circumstances. If two people love each other enough, they will get through anything.
If in the end you do go your seperate ways, to say no one will have you because you have herpes is false. Take it from someone with personal experience. Actually half of all americans have it, a majority don't know they do. All it is, is basically a rash that comes once every few months. Big deal! I would suggest reading up on it, there is a bad stereotype about it. Don't mark yourself as unwanted just because you have it. You are probably in the majority now.
Anyway, hang in there. Take things day by day, and if that is too hard, take things hour by hour. Don't necessarily deal with the topics (her sleeping with those men) but the issues. On WHY she did it. Seeing a counselor together will help alot. Talk to her, be her friend. She needs someone and so do you.
HIV might not show up until 6 months after the initial infection. Herpes is incurable. Your GF put your life at risk with her irresponsible behavior. You gotta ask yourself...are those the actions of someone who loves you?
Jmargel, I dont know if this is possible but if you have instant message and would like to talk I would appreciate it. You seem to be the kinda person I need to talk to. My AIM is Fearfacmh. I can't really write much right now. I'm going to play in a ping pong tournament of all these to keep my mind off of this. I just want to thank everyone for responding and giving me there insights. I dont know if this means anything but she sent me a phone message asking how I was doing. I replied that I missed her and she said she missed me too. Well I gotta get ready for the tournament. bye bye
I had a good evening last night. I kept busy and didn't think about it much. I was exhausted so I fell right asleep. However I woke up in a pool of sweat and couldn't go back to sleep. I am also doing a bunch of stuff today like going to a football game, but when I start to think the pain is still right there. I wish I knew when she broke up with me last week if it was out of her guilt or if she really didn't love me anymore. I sent her a message that said when she sorts this all out I am willing to listen to her. When I told her that I had gotten the herpes from her she said "we" can get through this. That gives me hope I guess. I'm afraid that I still want to be with her just because of the herpes. I feel if I can be with her the herpes wont matter. I only want her if she truly loves me and has a pretty good damn reason that something in her childhood made her do this. I worry that she really wasn't sure she wanted to sleep with this German guy. She was drunk and was somehow coerced. Then somehow something went wrong in her head. Somehow she went back and found another guy here to have sex with because of her trauma. I keep thinking back to since she got back from Germany and we've done so many things together since then. She did not act different to me. There is no way a normal person could do that especially her. She somehow blocked it out of her head. Its like she split into two personalities. If it ends up that she doesn't want to be with me I will go on. Once I know for sure I dont have any other diseases from this I will somehow go on with my life. In reality the herpes is just a rash. It doesn't hurt it just itches a bit. I wonder how I will trust her again or any girl. Somehow I will.
I think ASIDE FROM herpes.. which is not life threatening for christ sake.. you need to think WHY would you want someone back who cheated on you. Betrayed your trust. Its time to get sickened by this thing and move on. As for this revenge bullcrap COME ON! The problem is she didnt tell him right away that she cheated and ended up having sex with him. Im sure she feels just as guilty. Hiv! The chances of you having it are low BUT YOU NEED TO get tested for it. Herpes is just a skin irritation... but people make this HUGE DISCUSTING deal out of it. This could be the one and only time that you have an outbrake.. Right now forget the herpes and focus on why you would want someone like her back... BECAUSE you have herpes together??? NO! because she cheated? NO! because your used to her and you dont want to start again. maybe?
I agree with love sucka. I have had herpes now for 3 years. I wanted to get back to post before, when you had replied but was unable too.
It is not that big of a deal It is one of the most wide spread STD going around right now. I also got it from my ex of 7 years.
I learned to HAVE PROTECTED SEX AT ALL TIMES.
The first year, I had several outbreaks, since that time, I have had none.
Don't think you are the only one with this. Look it up on the Internet, it will give you a lot of information about it.
It is always hard to find out you got something because of someone cheating. It is how you deal with it that counts.
If that is the reasoning you are wanting to stay with your ex because you have herpes, that is wrong.
Will you ever trust her again> I highly doubt it.
She has been with that one guy and another since then.
Take care of yourself.. Figure out how you can be okay...
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Linear Mode
