[Groovy]

When I met my ex he asked me out for 4 years before I said yes. And really I was just stressed out and a drink sounded great. But when I went out I was surprised at how much he and I had in common. While we dated for 8 months he was a great boyfriend and when he wanted more (marraige, living together, having kids, etc) I couldn't see it happening. He never proposed but he talked about these things for us.

I saw someone who had good qualities. But I also saw someone who was unresponsible who would sometimes show an hour late, his apartment was a place I was afraid to use the bathroom or eat off the dishes it was so dirty. And when he was at my place he would always make a mess. He reminded me of Joey from Friends. This Italian jock who wasn't bright but good hearted and sometimes frustrating to have conversations with. I also knew he did not make enough for me to be comfortable having kids. I don't make it his responsibility to do so. But if a man wants that we both need to look at assets!

We broke up, he looked like a train hit him when I saw him at work. I had told him my concerns for 2 or 3 months and nothing changed. I finally realized it was time to say good by. His friend told me he really liked me and I had to hear how depressed he was.

Now he is in Iraq at war. And he is saying he wants to change. That he will be a different person. I only want him to change if he wants to (and that is the only way he will change). He has told me he will do things and in dating I never saw it happen. But his friend insisted he willing to do anything for me. Now his life is on the line and I think he realizes he is getting older (32) and wants to take on a challenge for us. And while he is there the changes don't seem so large. He sent me a list of anything I have ever had an issue with and said he is betting I'll be surprised. (I couldn't believe the list. Ha ha).

My dilemma is this..... I'd like to open myself up to him because I could gain a marraige with someone I do trust and has potential. But I know there's a small chance of that and changing is very hard. If I have to reject him and hurt him when he comes back from Iraq and it doesn't work I will agonized at the pain I have caused him. When you give someone a second chance how do you not worry about the fact may repeat the painful break-up all over again riddled with guilt or pain? He is starting to call me from Iraq and I know while he is there we are both thinking about each other. But sometimes I think it is hard to see anyone I care about over there and it's bogging my brain down.

[KitWalker]

I can talk from the side of your bloke Groovy. In my break up (see Can I Get Her Back Part I & II), my ex left me because we had stopped communicating. Something some people might see as a HUGE thing, some might see as something that was small. Admittingly we had stopped communicating and it was because I became selfish and irrational...as up until the last 3mths of our 18mth relationship, things were perfect! A proposal was to be the next thing on the cards!!!

Anyway, getting back to your thread Groovy........you asked if you should give your guy another chance! Well, in short, i would say YES! This is the exact thing i am asking for from my ex, well was asking anyway....

Sometimes a guy needs a 'kick' in the arse to move himself to do better or to do something with his life. Whilst the two of you were together, you could've yelled til you were blue in your face about him improving etc, but he (like me) could've thought that its something that you two would argue about and work out. He wouldnt expect you to leave him simply cos he thinks that the two of you would probably marry and live happily ever after!

Its not until you actually break up and go away from him that he realises everything you have said was true! Until then, they were treated as 'empty promises'. It sounds bad...but admit it, we all do it! We say things that we dont mean? The fact that he's realised that he could lose you, and that he has lost you currently, he would do ANYTHING to get you back and he would also know what he has to do to keep you with him! This is the 2nd chance that he wants to prove it to you! Answer this....if there is something he can say or do to get you back with him, what would it be??? If you say, theres nothing....well, why kick yourself over this? If there IS something, well, give teh guy a break? Let him have his 2nd and only chance to prove his love to you!

I know that if I ever got the 2nd chance with my ex, that it would be MUCH better than the first and knowing that I only have that one chance to prove that Im the one for her, theres no way in the world that I would want to stuff that up!

I've given myself a new rule in life for future relationships. I will ALWAYS give someone a 2nd chance, no matter what... if they want it bad enough. And if the 2nd chance doesnt work out, then hey, i've been fair and I guess its not going to work!

What do you have to lose? You're thinking about it which means it obviously means something to you? I only wish that my ex thought about this like you have!