[Starsha23]

I'm so lost and I don't know where to turn. My boyfriend and I have been together over 2 years. Our first year was amazing and our second was hell. We were gonig thur life changes and should have ended it and not hurt each other but we stuck it out. Finally we did end it. He was a drunk going thur AA and a pot user. I wasnt first in his life anymore...turing 21 and the bar was. It hurt but I made it thur the break up. I dated and hooked up a few times. I even got a new boyfriend...he was a total rebond...(although I didn't know it at the time.) I was still in love with my ex. He changed his life. Became sobar and did the right things. Now we are back together and I am soooo happy. There is just one problem...I have a hard time forgiving him for the past. We will be together and I'll just start crying up a storm...which will lead him to cry. I want to forgive him so much...but sometimes it hits me. He has forgivin me and the fact that I had a boyfriend bothers him but he says, we are us now and that's all the matters. I love him and I want things to work more then anything...what can I do to get those old bad feelings out of my head and continue to be happy!!!!!!!!!

[kodiak]

starsha23-

Hey I know its very tough to forget the past and move on. I learned it the hard way. I lost the most amzing girl ever because I started to get insecure because of problems in my past relationship prior to her. My insecurities finally drove her away and want out of the relationship. I truly dont blame her because I thought of what it would be liek in her shoes. Its been two and half months and very little contact. Starsha23, not a day has gone by were I dont hate myself for what i did. I miss her so much that I still have days where I break down and cry.

I pray to god that she sees the reason why I had these issues was because my love for her was so great. I know that I was truly inlove with her because I have let her go. I want her to be happy. My point is that you got your second chance. Like myslef not everybody can get that chance. Take it and make it work. Forget that stuff or maybe talk to someone about it. I did. I went to see a therapist and she really helped me. there is no shame in that. You got a second chance for a reason, go with it girl and make it work. This might be the right time!!!

If you dont mind me asking, How long did you guys break up for and did you guys talk in between or have no contact at all, just curious??? Take Care.................Kodiak

[pixie2004]

Forgiveness sets you free!

Nothing else I can say...

[Starsha23]

we were broken up for 5 months...we didn't talk much at first...i got a new boyfriend...iw as busy...we started to talk the 3rd month...he wanted to get back together but didn't think it would happen bc i had the new boyfreind. I Just wish i could forgive all the **** he put me thur...all the nights i needed him but he was at the bar and wouldnt come home . I'm trying to forgive...it will take time...all i know is if he ****s this up..im never comign back.

Is it possible that you still see in him some of those behaviors that you didn't like before and the crying is a result of your worry that things really arn't much better than they were before, or they might get that way again? I was in a similar relationship with an alcoholic and I know it takes more than a few months to sober up. I also know that addicts can be very draining because of their neediness but use their drugs and their intimate relationships as self-medication. Truth is they need to learn to help themselves first before they can ever pull their weight in a healthy relationship. I probably wouldn't want to hear what I have wrote in the state your in now but maybe this can help you further down the line when things arn't so chaotic.

It sounds like you could use some advice from a professional--either a therapist who has worked with substance-abuse issues, or someone from AA. At the very least, go to the library and ask a librarian for the best books on recovering from alcohol abuse, and having a relationship with a recovering alcoholic.

Forgiveness is hard. When you feel worried or angry or resentful, try to talk to yourself before you get overcome by emotion. Go in the bathroom or some other private place and talk to yourself about what this relationship means to you, about what you want from it, and about the best ways to go about getting that. It's good that he feels remorseful for hurting you, but the low self-esteem that goes along with remorse is not good for his continuing recovery, or for the relationship. If it's at all possible, keep some of your doubts to yourself while the relationship grows stronger.

Keep your eyes open, though. You can't (and shouldn't) be 100 percent trusting right away, and it sounds like he understands that.

[Starsha23]

Things are going a lot better...he is being a little more understanding of things. The god thing is he is doing everything for him, not for me, that's how i know it will be okay. He never used to do it for him...it was for other people and in order to fall thur with something you have to want to. He is everythign i asked for and more...it's just a little overwhelming. I joined an online alanon group (spuses and family members of people in AA)...and they helped a lot!!! everything I am feeling is normal. I'm also going to go to a few meetings here in town. I just need to breath and look a head when I start freaking out. He NEVER promise things to look good in the past bc he knew he couldnt fall thur withit...now he is. I trust him....but if he ****s up...IM out....besides im in college...there is a whole world of men out there....(doctors and such haha) and even though I would probably die first...I'm sure I could find someone again to make me happy....i don't plan on needing to tho.