[janis]

I need help advice...

I have been with M for one year. The first 8 months were great - we literally spent every weekend together - going on trips -etc. We decided after two months that we were exclusive - we were really in love. He was great too, on weeknights he would come to my home - cook some fabulous meal - and we would hang out happy and content.

there were a few things that were potential red flags - number one he was just off a six year relationship with a woman who I believe was "keeping" M. What I mean by that is that she earned a ton on money and she bought them a beautiful home- They lived a very yuppie lifestyle. He told me they broke up because she wanted to have children with him but could never get pregnant - so she told him that he needed to be with another woman (?) OK - that's what he told me- other than that we have never discussed her. Also, I already have children and can not have any more.

Once when we were in his and his ex's area he wanted to pick up their dog - apparently she has "custody" . He asked me to wait in his office while he got the dog - he left and came back. I was upset by this and when he got back I told him that was not cool. He said he was sorry - but he felt uncomfortable bringing me to the house or even having me in the car. they, according to him, have not been together for over a year.

Ok - so he lives on his boat - but all his stuff is at my house. All his clothes, his toys (kyacks, boat, bikes, all sporting gear) He is at my house 60% of the time but never calls to say when he will arrive and when he leaves WILL NEVER CALL. This could be 5 days at a time. During this time I somethimes do not know where he is. He still uses his Ex's address for all his mail, and he goes there every day to take his dog for a walk.

The ex is not so much of an issue to me - but the newest development is. Back in May, M told me about his "Friend" - in his words: She is an awesome athlete and we were climbers together- When I met her I thought she was the hottest thing going - but she liked my friend. We have been through so many experiences together we are 'bonded' for life. She is my friend and she is coming out to visit (she lives over a thousand miles away) He told me I need to get used to the fact that he has this friend - and that they were going to go climbing together for a few days. He said I would like her and that I would meet her. OK - so she was supposed to come out in the month of June - but as I mentioned - he disappears for days at a time. The month of June passed with him gone a couple of weekends - I suspect she came out - but i never got to meet her.

This weekend M has informed me that one of his old climbing partners had a serious medical problem and all the climbers were going to visit him. This is of course in where his "friend" lives. He is going there for four days. and of course, I will not hear from him during this time. I saw the travel arrangements with the name of his 'friend' jotted down. I have a strong suspicion that he will be staying with her.

Here is the potential deal breaker for me. A couple of months ago we spent the weekend with a climber friend of M's and his fiance. They are getting married on October 2. I found the invite to the wedding two weeks ago. I also see that he has written in his friends name to visit her on October 3 - as she lives in the same state. I am tremendously hurt that he has not invited me to go to the wedding with him - as I feel very left out of his life. We have not gone away for the weekend in over three months (when that is what we did every weekend). He has neo even mentioned the wedding or any plans for that weekend and I suspect that he plans on telling me some story to get away for the weekend.

I decided to set him up. I told him that since we have not had any weekend time together in several months - that I have gotten a cabin for us for the weekend of October 2. He has said OK - but changes the subject immediately and does not seem very into it. I want to see how he handles this and it will really determine if he is a liar.

God help me 'cause I know that this makes me a liar - but it is the only way I can get my question answered. I have to say - I do not think that this "friend' and my M are in a sexual relationship - but I believe that they are in an emotional relationship- almost worse - as the are so "bonded" - flying halfway across the country periodically to visit each other. He told me last week that she called him to get his advice on getting breast implants. (his response: (he actually told me this!) "your breasts are beautiful- it is because you are an athlete that they are small.) I asked him why she cares what he thinks of her breasts and I just got "the look".

On the good side - M is very loving to me in many ways. We totally have fun together and rarely argue. He has a great relationship with my kids (both are grown) and in many ways is very committed to our relationship. He has slowly changed his life and business so that he can be closer to me. He drives over 2 hours to see me at least three times a week. I love this man dearly - but may need to let him go. Based on the above - please advise!!! I'm a crazy and over jealous - or is there a basis for my dumping him. I will break my heart to do so!

oh - one other maybe vital piece of information - My last relationship was with someone who cheated on me constantly for 10 years. My self esteem is at an all time low and I am hyper-sensitive to this.

[wtfjh?]

So many similarities to my situation.

No, you are not psycho. Yes, those are definite red flags.

Please...if you have the strength now- GET OUT.

My experience has always been that, if your something aint right radar is going off, something just aint right.


Also, something I have had to learn recently: the first sign you are not with the right person is not being able to openly communicate with them about your concerns, feelings, etc. Mine taught me early in our relationship that, no matter how kindly and calmly I made my discomfort known, he would become instantly defensive and blow up. So, like you, I tried all these "clever" ways to find out what was up (he, too, had a "friend"- several, actually).

Bottom line: When you are ready for your adult relationship, you will put it above all else. You don't have to abandon all other things in your life, but you put that other person first. No, spending weekends and such with this other woman (whom he has already indicated he feels attracted to) is NOT APPROPRIATE. One thing leads to another, even with people who aren't attracted to one another- why take a chance? He has placed you in a very uncomfortable, and unfair, situation.

I feel for you. I know where you are at. I only wish when I had this stuff going on, that I had stood up for myself, drew a line in the sand, and, the very second his toe slipped over, ran the other way without looking back.

OK...maybe this is all a little harsh. Please, just don't ignore your instincts. And do not be afraid to tell him how you are feeling. If he can't give you that much, this could never work. Adult relationships MUST have trust and communication.

Best wishes to you.

[daphne]

He disappears, doesn't communicate to you and doesn't much include you in his life. You're not a psycho. He's just not as committed the relationship as you are and honestly I think you know that this isn't the best thing for you. A guy who loves you isn't going to put you on the backburner for other things that crop up.

Don't spend another 10 years to figure things out with this one.

[SoleMate]

Psycho??????

No. Not at all. You're right, he does have something going on with this girl "friend". Impossible to say whether they have gotten/are getting horizontal, but honestly, to me it would not matter. What would matter is, as the others say, you are clearly "back burner" for him at this time. When she's available, she comes ahead of you. If you are happy with a part-time manshare arrangement, keep on going. But if you want one man that is all yours, then set this one gently back on the counter where you found him, and keep on looking...

[Gala]

Janis --

What M's past and present show is that his relationships don't necessarily occur within typical boundaries. If anything, this tendency will make it harder for you to "prove" when something about his behavior is really off...but it sounds like you have lots of cause to pull back. And call me traditional, but I get really suspicious when I hear that a man has been "kept" on any level. This raises issues about a lot of areas, including about what he would be willing to do in order to contribute to a relationship/household/committed situation...and what he believes (consciously or otherwise) that a woman might owe him.

I recommend Iyanla Vanzant's book In the Meantime, which returns again and again to the importance of truth from both parties in a relationship.

Trust your gut. And do what you need to.

[honey2005]

I think you should talk to him abouty everything you're feeling. Tell him that you know about the wedding and you're hurt he didn't ask you to go and you're uncomfortable with him being that close to his "friend" without him even letting you meet her. If he doesn't care about your feelings, then that is grounds for break up, major.