My husband 6-month emotional affair or my marriage will soon end. Will he stay/leave?
Back few months ago I posted my thread to ask whether I should give my husband some time after his self-confession of a 2-month emotional affair. I decided to give him time to see if he knows what he is doing with her and now here we are 3 1/2 months later, things have evolved.
My husband did see her less often than before as promised, 2 evenings a weeks (never any overnights) and 3 lunches every week whenever she is working at the office that day. (So most of the time they are spending together are having diners, walks and lunches.) My husband has confirmed again to me that they have never any sex and I trust him, though I understand there has been moments of intimacy during their time together. In the past few months, I have been trying my best to work on what I fell short in the past 7 years - open communications, affection, softness and understanding. He has also spent more time with me to try to work things out. We have both realized that our relationship can be much better if we both really make the effort. Our relationship has improved a lot in the past few months even though he keep seeing the OW regularly. A few days ago, I asked him if he is ready to make a choice. He said no. He said loves the OW very much because he said that there is a deep bond with her. Even though he admits that I am now giving him the same thing as the OW gives him emotionally, but he said the problem is that he can't find any reasons between them to stop. He said he has never loved anyone else this way before, not even me, even though their relationship has only been over 6 month and purely emotional. He said he loves her very much, in a different way than loving me, and he said the OW loves him the same way in return. He said that he can see some future with her and it could be different.
The OW has hinted to him she will wait till October or he will have to lose her. Everyone is so sick of this triangle relationship and I agree that it should be the time for action. He said he will definitely come to an decision of who he will choose to stay because he realize it is hurting 2 women he loves.
He said to me he knows he is capable to leave me (both physically and emotionally and we have no kids), even though we had a long relationship but he has still not decided. He said to me the only thing that is keeping him staying is all the things I have done for him in the past months. He is very touched by my efforts and love and he is still considering to stay with me because he still loves me and is quite confident that we will make a better future. He said he would like to go with the OW initially because he loves her so much and may not be able to bear the pain of losing her. But he said he really wants to try, from now to October, to convince himself to stay with me because he said he knows how much I still love him. He said he is not here for obligations but because he may not be able to leave me because he still loves me after all the things I have done for him.
I don't know why but my instinct tells me that I am losing him. I feel somehow I have done everything I can and at times I am powerless and numb. What are my chances? Shall I wait till October as well or shall I do something now? (I am thinking about taking a 1-2 week break to put myself in a preparation mode but he urges me not to leave him until he makes a choice in October because he needs me here by his side to remind him of me) Do you think he loves me? Do you think he loves the OW? I would like to hear your advice and thoughts. Many thanks!
Last edited by lovesucks; 18th August 2004 at 1:36 PM..
My advice to you is, don't wait for him to make up his mind. You make it up for him. He has told you he loves the OW and that they share a bond. Yes, I believe it is possible to love 2 people at once, however are you willing to accept that? I do not feel that is a life for you, or for anyone really. Seems to me you have been patient and understanding for long enough. This is continually going on, and I doubt he will make a choice between the both of you. Why should he, he feels something for you and the OW. He is having his cake and eating it too. I think its now up to you to make the choice for him. By you staying in this situation, you are allowing him to be able to do what he wants. That is, live with you and still be involved with the OW. You make the choice. Good luck.
PS. As a matter of fact, scratch what I said about making the choice for HIM, make it for YOU.
Didn't I read somewhere that if he was serious about fixing your marriage he needs to cut off ALL contact with the OW?
You are being a HUGE doormat.
Make the choice FOR HIM. Kick his arse to the curb, and get a lawyer. Find a man that doesn't drain your self esteem so much you're willing to put up with that sh*t. Someone who JUST LOVES YOU.
Let them have each other-you can do better.
PS-who buys shoes before trying them on? No sex is laughable. You "trust" the man that's having an "affair" on you......STILL.
This may be brutal, but snap out of it. I think you're letting him have his cake and eat it too. You are enabling him to continue. Kick him out of the house, until he's made his choice.
I agree with the above posters. You are being used and you're allowing it to continue as long as you're in the situation. You keep asking him if he has made a decision yet? Hes not going too. How many weeks, months, or years will you continue to ask him that, just for him to tell you, he hasn't made up his mind yet? I think you should move on and find someone who loves you, not a shared love between you, and 2 other people.
let me see if i understand this correctly: he betrays you and now your emotional life is on hold for him to decide who to pick? did you lose your backbone when you married him? i'm not even saying run out and get a divorce but i definitely think you should ask him to move out and then move on with your life. if he comes to the conclusion he loves you and you still fill the same way after however long that takes, go through some in-depth marital counseling or you may never get to the root of the problem with YOUR marriage. this is not yours and his and her marriage - it's YOURS. waiting around for a man who's being an ******* just shows him you're weak and will accept whatever he dishes even if it hurts you to the core. you're telling him it's okay. is it really okay with you? if you honestly want this guy back (and i don't know why you would) then your best bet is to start looking out for you and getting that backbone back. men aren't really drawn to weak women. if you don't respect yourself now he will never ever respect you. unless you don't mind years of hurt and disrespect, you better take your own action now and tell him maybe you'll be there when he's decided and just maybe you won't.
Thank you all for your valuable input. In the past months, I have been thinking about leaving for a couple of times cos' this whole ordeal is so difficult for me to put up with. But one the other hand, because I love him, I want what he thinks is best for him. I am aware that would mean a divorce for me. I know it may sound crazy to you about what I am doing.
My husband is very stubborn guy, once he has decided, he will stick to his decision no matter what will happen. That's why I have given him so much time to find out what he really wants because once a decision is made there is no way back, this principle also applies to me. I want him to think very clearly about what he wants for his life.
What I want to know is, does it make any difference to quit now since I have waited this far? If the affair does end, are there any different implications on me or him in the aftermath whether the decision comes from the OW or him? Help me out here please..... I am thinking too much these days and sometimes I find it hard to keep my head straight.
He acknowledges that I am doing my best to improve our relationship and he loves me. I know that deep in my heart by October if neither the OW or him will end the affair, I will have no regrets to walk away cos' this is the last chance I am giving him to show me whether I have married to a coward or not for all these years. If he ends with me, I know I will feel totally numb that this will kill the love I have for him.
Your husband has no commitment to anyone but his own wishes. He has reneged on his promise to end this affair--a dealbreaker if I ever have heard of one--and he expects you to put your life on hold. Loving someone doesn't mean allowing them to ruin your self esteem.
For the sake of your own self worth, ditch his a$$ on the side of the road and contact a lawyer.
Tell him you love him, but you leaving, and when he decides what he wants, if you haven't moved on yourself, then maybe you all can work something out. Why continue to live in limbo while he makes up his mind. He either wants to be with you or her. I think he is just stalling longer so he can have you both. Its really just an excuse. Take control of the situation and do something about it. Best of luck.
It seems to me your H waqnts the best of both worlds as do a lot of people. You must tell him this is not acceptable. He must choose now. There is no waiting period.
Kick his arse out of the damn house. The thought of REALLY losing you may sway things to your favour.
Then, when he's comfortable he has you, file divorce papers, throw his sh*t out on the lawn and destroy his very favourite thing (as long as it's not alive)
When you've got EVERYTHING you can get your hands on, inform him that if he wishes to begin anew, you will allow him to court you but you make no promises.
That's the only way I can see things happening that would allow you to live with yourself.
Hi Spock, do you think he does not realistically anticipate the kind of emotional impact of losing me even though he said he has seriously given thoughts to leaving me? (as I said he is a very stubborn man, once he has decided he is very committed to making things work).
He asked me not to leave until October because he is still considering of staying in the marriage. He said he wants me to be here by his side for the reasons of 1. reminding him of my love for him by seeing me when he comes home so his thoughts will not be tempted to be with the OW and 2. to give him enough confidence in our new beginning together and courage to say goodbye to her. Am I fooling myself to believe what he said (which makes legitimate sense to me) or is he fooling himself by asking me to stay? Am I just hoping for something that will never happen?
Can somebody give me some insights or advice please!
Last edited by lovesucks; 19th August 2004 at 5:54 PM..
Originally posted by lovesucks
Hi Spock, do you think he does not realistically anticipate the kind of emotional impact of losing me even though he said he has seriously given thoughts to leaving me? (as I said he is a very stubborn man, once he has decided he is very committed to making things work).
He asked me not to leave until October because he is still considering of staying in the marriage. He said he wants me to be here by his side for the reasons of 1. reminding him of my love for him by seeing me when he comes home so his thoughts will not be tempted to be with the OW and 2. to give him enough confidence in our new beginning together and courage to say goodbye to her. Am I fooling myself to believe what he said (which makes legitimate sense to me) or is he fooling himself by asking me to stay? Am I just hoping for something that will never happen?
Can somebody give me some insights or advice please!
He KNOWS you love him, and that you'll be his doormat for life if he stays. I think he takes you for granted. I think he takes your love for granted. I think a swift kick in the arse out the door will remind him VERY well of life without you.
He asked you not to leave until October because he has an ulterior motive that has nothing to do with staying with you. He is boffing you both, at the same time I am almost sure of it. Have you spoken to the OW? It may be he's waiting until October for HER to make up her mind.
lovesucks, you stated he wanted you to stay until October, because he is considering of staying in the marriage? He knows wheather or not if he wants to stay. This is an excuse hun, "considering" that just blows me away. He either does or he doesn't. He wants the both of you and which ever is willing to wait it out he will choose. I be damned, choose for him, leave. Ask yourself this, if he does decide to stay with you, are you willing to live the rest of your life wondering if he is doing this again? Are you willing play 2nd fiddle to the OW even though you're his wife? He said he loved her and shared a bond with her. I mean no disrespect, and I'm sure this is hard, but you should be the one to choose. Tell him, "see ya, wouldn't want to be ya."
Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 19th August 2004 at 6:54 PM..
He acknowledges that I am doing my best to improve our relationship...
Now, what the hell is this sorry SON OF A BIT*H doing to improve your relationship?
NEWS FLASH:::: YOU HAVE NOTHING TO PROVE TO HIM!!! HE IS THE ONE WHO BETRAYED YOU!!!
The tables are completely bass akwards... YOU should be acknowledging that HE is doing HIS best to improve your relationship... NOT the other way around...
This boy, I will not even speak of him with regards to being a man b/c that takes balls, is a piece of work... Stand up for yourself, you KNOW you are worth more, do not let him speak to you as though you can be tossed aside, because you can't... And he is, come October, he may choose her, and then what? There you are, left alone, all your "hard work" went to $hit... which, in my opinion, no wife should have to "work hard" at keeping her husband monogamous... You also shouldn't have to be there physically to be a reminder that he is married to YOU... Either he chooses you or her??? Make the choice for him... This is a cockamammy story, stand for it no longer...
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Linear Mode
