[thatythat]

this is kinda a last resort thing here, nobody i know has any good advice for me.. and the only people i know that would have a crush on me or something, so i can't talk to them about it.
anyway... in high school i wasn't really into dating anyone, just wanted to have fun and smoke. then i met a girl that blew my mind, she was like an angel. i was even going to ask her to homecoming until i found out she was dating a friend of mine. so i ended up going with somebody else, but i got to hang out with the girl i wanted to most of the time. and about a week later we hooked up. after a few months of dating i went sober and so did she, i didn't feel like i needed any drugs around her. we had such wonderful times together, but for some reason i broke up with her for about 3 weeks and started smoking pot again. i think i just wanted to be a raging hormone, but all i ended up doing was making out with one girl, and just kissing and a lil tit feeling. right after that i figured out how much i really loved her and we got back together. that only lasted 3 or 4 months, she was bored with me and her dad has always told her to go out and experiance life to the fullest. and since he died a few months after we broke up the last time i would guess she listened to what he had said more then ever. she broke up with me and i was heart broken, i couldn't even talk to her, and i really didn't much. the few times i did she always managed to tell me about her latest sexual encounter. slept with some guy i know, went to chicogo and fooled around with 3 guys and had sex with another, and actualy had to tell me it was "amazing". this was all between 1996 - 1998, we dated for those first 2 years and the last one was me trying to get her back but really just pushing her away even though i didn't know. she ended up leaving MO to go to college in TX, i was still in high school we didn't talk really at all for the first 2 years, then started talking maybe 1 or 2 times a year later on. in 1999 i became a herion addict for about 4 years... so most of that time is a blur... i remember talking to her everyonce in a while, i always had her new phone numbers so i know we were in contact. i had alot of silly pointless herion related relationships, i don't even know how serious they were since i ws to messed up to even love myself. i quit using around 2001, and had make out buddies here and there.. but i was always looking for something like the love i had lost. i passed up sex with countless amounts of women/girls because it didn't mean anything, and i wanted something real. (if your still reading this bless you, please respond) in 2003 i moved to FL to get away from all the crazy women i met and the crazy town i live in, nothing really happen there.. i just sat around all day after i lost my job so i moved back to MO right before chrismas to be with my family. around this time she started calling me because i'm "the one person she knew that knows about addictions" she had becom an alcohalic. i told her she needed to go to rehab and she agreed, but yet kept calling me with the same problems acting like she didn't know how her life was so messed up. finaly i got a little upset with her and told her she needs to go to rehab and stop calling me thinking i can help her just by talking to her. i told her i'd help her find a place to go for rehab, she sounded excited yet scared as most drunks do. now it's around may and i still haden't found a place we could aggree on, she calls one day and i didn't pick up the phone because i haden't made any progress in finding a place. i check my messages the next day, she says her and her crazy boyfriend are coming up to st. louis where i was. they end up in little rock, he trashes the hotel room they were staying in after a fight, calls her to come back and give them 1000$ or they will take him to jail. she pays the people and then he calls her a dumb bitch and she ends it with him (says she was planing it the whole time in the back of her mind) she's to drunk to drive anywhere so i took a bus to little rock to get her. oh my! we got along so well, it was like high school all over again it felt like heaven on earth. we slept in the same bed in the hotel and it took all i had to keep me from making a move on her, i haden't had anything real in so long and this was sOooo much more than just real, this was true love i had for her. it took about 10 hours to get back to my town, we made alot of stops and worn't really in a hurry. we had sex the first night she was here. she wasn't taking it as seriously as i was at first, but now says she's in love all over again. she stayed with me for about 2 months, i told her to just tone down the drinking and start eating more that way rehab wouldn't be that bad. she went into rehab at the end of july and gets out on the 20th of this month.

that's the back ground... now the problem....
she's the coolest person i know, i just love her to death and wanna spend the rest of my life with her. but i can't stand that she never even considered it those 8 years we really didn't talk. she was ready to go looking for men on match.com and dating alOt slept with "under 20" guys fooled around with people all the time drunk and partying. she had 2 other serios relationships, even a long didtance on with a guy that lived in st. louis. she tells me about things like a bauhaus concert she went to with some guy then slept with him afterwards, now i can't listen to bauhaus the band i introduced her to. and she thinks i don't want to know about her life cause i say i don't wanna hear about it. the whole idea of her with anyone else makes me sick to my stomic all the time, like 10 times a day. sometimes i'll be starving but can't eat, or i'll see a guy and all these thought of her with others go rushing through my head. random things remind me of her with others, proms, high schools, my hairy legs, pictures i took of her 8 years ago, leters she wrote that i kept. i don't even know if it's the thought of her being with somebody else or the fact that she never thought of being with me again until i picked her up in little rock. what if i never did, what if i was still living in FL would we have never gotten back together? and this all bothers her but i have to talk to her about it don't i ? how do i make her understand how hurt i was? why does it mater if she knows or not ? and what the hell would it fix ? and how do i fix my head? for the first time in my life i feel like i can't fix myself, which is something i've always been really big on. i actuly want to talk to a psychologist or something, and that scares the hell out of me. i've cried more in this last month that she's been in rehab then i have in my whole life, that's not how it's sposed to be.

i thought love was all lolly pops and fairy tails, and i'm seeing it's not.... somebody, anybody, say anything.. i love her, and she loves me... but is it real ?

she gets out of rehab in 4 days, i'm scared.........