Do adult children owe their parents for all they've done?
Parents do a lot for their children...they often sacrifice a lot, and give a lot. This was certainly true in my case, my parents gave me much support, both emotional and financial...even when I was in my twenties, they'd help out sometimes. I am an only child.
So now, as an adult, about to marry and start a lot of newventures myself...do I owe my parents for all they've always done for me??? Is there an obligation there? An unspoken rule, that kids should give something back??? And how much?
My Dad says, no. He did what he did out of love, and expects nothing. My mum, says she did what she did out of love, and yet, she seems to expect that now, when/if she is in need...as family I'll help her out. If I don't, I think she sees it as selfish, cold..ungrateful. This basic thinking is causing us grief. My fiance and his parents think like Dad, and have quite well established boundaries and space. I dont choose to have that much space, for I am happy to be close to mum. However, this philosophy of young help the old...family supports family, has caused more than the odd bit of hurt and tension and pain. It happens of course, when i do not meet expectations. Or my fiance and I do not meet expectations.
Dont get me wrong, I do offer some financial support with things, and have done in the past...I also offer a lot of emotional support. So it's not like I have cut all ties..in fact, I think I do more than many other young adults I see around me.
Just curious to hear people's general views on this issue. My mum is not the only parent I know who at times feels hurt...or dissapointed.
It is part of the whole concept of 'family' however, you said in your post---boundaries!
I was so torn when I met my husband because my mother always came first. She needed me so much. However, she raised me to believe that the husband should come first. I was taking vows to HIM and those vows set our boundaries. HE comes first now. That doesn't mean I had to abandon my mom, but I do understand the struggle of how to determine exactly what day-to-day needs & wants of each, to put first. I've been caught in the middle so many times.
It was easier when my mother moved across the country. Although, my husband and I had some real big arguments over the phone bill! I had some HUGE long distance bills. Mom has always had less than me and she would never pick up the phone to call long-distance because she was afraid to. I mean, she would save her pennies for months to make one long-distance call at Christmas----so I was the one calling & paying the bill.
Trying to get my husband to understand that it wasn't selfishness on my mother's part, but just her way of thinking, was impossible.
Now, my mom lives with us! After her heart surgery her sister kicked her out of their home (long horrible story, legal battle, near-death experience, just horrible) she moved in with us. She's been with us for over five years now. Hint: make sure you all know that some boundaries are very flexible and some are set in concrete!
The only thing I can suggest is to think back to the things your mother taught you about family. Whether they go to religious beliefs or based on how she was raised, etc. Get those clear in your mind and then figure out exactly what boundaries you want to set. Then talk to you mother about the boundaries and approach her in a way that lets her know you are following what SHE has taught you. Or, if she has ever felt overrun by her mother, you can point that out and show her that you know she doesn't want to cause you the same stress that her mother caused her. Maybe, just maybe, something will sink in and she will adhere to the boundaries you set, and/or negotiate slightly different boundaries that you all can live with.
I don't think parents should expect their children to take care of them. Likewise, children over 21 should not expect their parents to take care of them.
My biggest fear in getting older is that my son might have to sacrifice time or money from his future wife and children to help me. It's not that he wouldn't be willing to do it, but for me it would be the ultimate humiliation. I've told him that if and when the time comes, put me in a home and be done with it.
As you say, expectations differ and there's no right or wrong answer. I can understand the point of view that families should help each other as much as possible - that's what you do, Thinkalot. Your mother is not prepared to accept your definition of how much you can give and be reasonably independent. Also she doesn't want just help, she wants to transfer some of her responsibilities to you. Even as you fight to deflect some of the demands, you do take responsibility for her happiness. This is what's causing the problem.
Thinkalot, you need to stop mothering your mother. I know it's hard, these things are learned in childhood. I can remember feeling responsible for my mother from aged 8. By allowing her to rely so heavily on you she will fail to take control of her own life and sort her problems out. She won't be happy unless it's you and her against the world again. That's not going to happen any time soon. It's best she faces it now.
It will get easier. I have a great relationship with my Mum now. I'm still the parent, though . Yours will let go too but you need to find ways of easing the conflict and distress now. More than anything, she needs you. If she is being unreaonable, explain your point of view calmly and firmly and then withdraw. She'll soon come around when she realises she can't make you feel guilty for not looking after her.
I think that you should be there for your mom when she needs you, but that she also needs to respect the fact that you're life is with your husband now. There is nothing wrong for her depending on you, but she shouldn't put the whole burden on you. She should space it out in between your siblings and your father, IMHO.
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I'm choosing to have no contact with the threads involving no contact. Is that healthy?
It's clear to me that your mother is not confident that she can stand on her own. Or maybe that she cannot maintain the lifestyle she wants on her own. Her perspective on unconditional love is out of adjustment, and she uses guilt and emotional manipulation to get things to work out her way.
I know this is an older post but I just have to tell you about my horrible experience with this issue. This business about owing parents for everything they did for you, goes way beyond just financial support in some families. It goes to the point of people expecting you to sacrifice yourself, your own personal life, career etc for a parent and if you dont you are repeatedly told that you were an ungreatful and bad child that never loved their parent. A very hard pill to swallow, yes indeed!
My mom raised me as a single parent, however we lived with my grandmother and an aunt that never married. I was an only child and went away to college. Mistake number one, how could I leave the house?
Mom started getting sick when I was finishing college. It was fully expected that I was going to drop everything and move back. I eventually did this, but because I was going through a divorce. They expected me to be moving back permanently to take care of them. When I began dating someone, I was told it was not acceptable. I had had my 1 shot at marriage and now should just stay at home. My grandmother by that time was really getting older and needed constant care. I made the mistake of mentioning a nursing home as an option. WOW did I get the 3rd degree for that one. I mentioned that if my mom were to get really sick, I could not leave my career to care for her and would need to do something along those lines for her. Since then I was and still am considered a bad child.
Well my mom did get sick with cancer. My unmarried aunt made sure of it that I was never bothered to care for my mom. In fact when I was there to visit with her, I was quickly told to not worry, to take my kids home and everything would be OK. Since my mom passed away, whenever I have a disagreement with my aunt, I am reminded of what a "bad child" I was, that I never truly loved my mother or appreciated all the sacrifices she made for me. The rant is endless, sometimes my aunt gets so good at giving me a guilt trip that I start questioning myself. My mom never once uttered a negative word to me. She wanted me to be happy, she never complained. It was always my grandmother & my aunt.
Ironically now, my aunt is the only one living. She never married, so guess who is her closest relative, yep me. My daughter moved in with her shortly after my mom passed away and now my daughter has started college and my aunt is repeating this whole thing over again with her! Giving my daughter guilt trips for not staying at home. Being really ugly to her. My aunt is a very bitter old woman who never made a life for herself. Unfortunately, I feel obligated to take care of her, and provide for her, and to listen to the verbal abuse that spews forth from her whenever she is not happy.
Guess my point is, live your life the way you want to. Do for your parents as you chose to do and dont let anyone make you feel obligated.
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. Yours will let go too but you need to find ways of easing the conflict and distress now. More than anything, she needs you. If she is being unreaonable, explain your point of view calmly and firmly and then withdraw. She'll soon come around when she realises she can't make you feel guilty for not looking after her.
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