[RainyDay]

Well, I've read all the books, and tried therapy for awhile. I feel like I just need to talk to someone and I've burned out my family and friends...

I was involved with my X for 7 years, married 3 of those years. We've separated about 4 times, always reconciling but it never lasts. We've currently been separated for almost 5 months. I think he is taking this separation (initated by him) very seriously this time; he has stated repeatedly that he is not interested in being married or tied down in any way. He cares about me very strongly, but cannot stand the feeling of being "controlled" that married or coupled life brings.

We have a beautiful little boy and therefore there cannot really be any serious NC for our son's sake. He is old enough now to notice when Mommy and Daddy aren't talking to each other and that is a dangerous game. When I see my X I can't hardly take what happens to me physically. Usually I am fine and feel like I'm moving along the post-breakup stages just fine, slowly, but making it. Then when I see my X, or talk to him I feel back to ground zero. I really think that I am suffering from some kind of mental illness, there is no reason that this one man should affect me the way that he does. I have loved him, and been loved by him. I have survived his repeated immaturity, cheating, and drug abuse. I've been there when he's been on his way up, and we've had alot of fun together over the years. Alot of tears, too. I just can't seem to get over it, over him, completely. When I start to get close then I see him, or he calls and BAM I'm a mess again.

It mostly feels like this: I was walking along and saw a big hole in the ground. I looked down and saw him in there, trapped. He said, "Hey, gimme a hand, willya?" So I leaned down to help him, but he was too big and by trying to help him out, I fell in. So for awhile we were trapped down there together, trying to find a way out. Eventually I said, "Here, I'll boost you up." So he climbed up me, and stepped on my heart, and crushed his bootheel into my head, and climbed on out. Then he walked away and now I am stuck down in that hole, trying to find my own way out.

I don't know how to get ahold of myself. I can't move on. I still hold out hope that all of the energy and time that I put into this relationship will bear fruit. At the same time, I have the divorce papers drawn up, ready to go (no lawyer, just me and my X willing to agree and be nice and not contest anything) and when I ask him if he's ready to file, he always puts it off. Well, I don't know if "puts it off" more like he says, "It's up to you".

Anyone have any opinions, advice??

[EC]

Rainyday I'm sorry I tried to read your post but I got distracted by your avatar and I can't look away.

And now I'm dizzy.

[RainyDay]

Come on, you know you love it.

Anyway, I wanted to add some info:

X and I are both in our mid 30's. He has a few girlfriends, most of them 18 - 22 yrs old. I have not been involved in any way with any other man for the duration of our relationship. Sometimes I think that I can break the "magic spell" he has on me by simply getting involved with someone else. You know the old saying "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else." But I don't feel ready to get involved. I don't feel ready to start that uphill climb of getting to know someone. I feel fundamentally messed up!

Even though, I wish I could just hook up a f**k buddy because this girl is going crazy! However, I am socially inept, disgustingly shy and as a bonus I have a hard time getting a babysitter.

But please, look past the avatar and someone give me some feedback.

[TempSain]

Well, I think you may have given us a bit of a hint when you mentioned that he has a few GF in the 18 - 22 age range. A man in his mid 30's will often think that it may be his last chance at having fun with such younger females. I am sure this is the reason for his wanting to seperate with you.

You should really look out for yourself and let him go. The sooner you do, the sooner you can move on.