[TheRedQueen]

Well, here is my story. I've cheated on my boyfriend and possibly made the worst decision I have ever made in my life. This is a man whom I love deeply and wanted (and still want) to spend the rest of my life with. Knowing that information, I can't understand why I did what I did. Of all people I should know, but I don't feel like I really do.

I met this guy named Brad at my work. Since the first time we worked together we just hit it off. I'm a very shy person and I have a lot of social anxiety when I'm around people I don't know well, but right away he made me feel comfortable around him. When I would see him at work I enjoyed working with him because I was able to be playful with him. It made me think that we had somewhat of a connection. One night I went to his place to hang out with him and another co-worker. This is the first time I had ever hung out with anyone from my work. For awhile it was just the two of us and I could tell that he really liked me. When we were hanging out he touched my side, but it scared me and I went home after only a little while because I knew my bf would be getting off work soon. Then the next time I saw him at work he did the same thing. Then he started calling me all the time to hang out, but I was too scared to because I didn't want him making moves on me and I didn't know how to tell him I had a boyfriend. I guess I liked the attention because it made me feel attractive, but eventually I wanted it to stop because I love my bf and I had no interest in screwing things up. So one day after he left me a voicemail saying "hey beautiful" I called him back (while my bf was sitting next to me) and told him that I didn't think my boyfriend appreciated that message. He said "okay" and hung up the phone. Things were pretty awkward between us at work after that, but I felt relieved.

For some reason, I still felt the need to be his "friend" at work and instead of totally ignoring him, I just tried to act normal and let things go. We stopped flirting, but I was still nice to him when I saw him. I think it was because I felt bad for him, for letting him down, and I also knew that he had a lot of problems with drinking and getting stoned all the time. I cared about him getting in trouble for a DUI and in a weird way I wanted to help him. I think I felt this way about it because of the connection I may have had with him when we first met.

Well, a couple of months pass, and there's a work get-together at the owner of my work's house. To make a long story short, I drove up there with him because I didn't want to ride alone in my car, but there was also another person in the car with us from work. Then when we got to the owner's house I hung out with him pretty much the whole time. He wasn't trying to touch me or anything, but he kept looking at me, and I felt that connection again. I left the party early because my bf had the night off work and I wanted to go spend time with him, but I really left a lot later than I had intended since I was having such a good time. I drove Brad home because he also wanted to go home early and we talked a lot about stuff on the way back home. I was also stoned at the time and starting talking about how I haven't been single in 3 years almost. This was the first time I had really began to give thought to the idea that I might want to be single. Then I dropped him off and he told me he had a fun time and we should hang out some more.

We did end up hanging out again on my 21st birthday. I went over to a friend from work's house to drink with them and some of my girlfriends before we went out to the bar. Brad didn't come because he's not 21 yet. I got really drunk, but it was so much fun. I felt like people really liked me--I'm really pestimistic and feeling good about myself is not something that happens a lot. Then I told some of his friends and my friends that I thought I liked him, but I didn't know what to do because I have a boyfriend, and I didn't know how I could like someone like him in the first place because he's so ****ed up. Not to mention, my boyfriend is so much better than that. After we left the bars, I went back to my friend's house and Brad was there asleep. I was with my friend Nicole and I told her that I wanted to tell Brad I liked him. She said it was okay to tell him that, but to also tell him that I have a boyfriend and that nothing can happen between us. Well, he admitted he like me too, and after that he tried to kiss me. I admit I was drunk and flirting and leading him on, but I told him I couldn't kiss him because I had a bf and I would feel so bad about it afterwards. He kept trying to kiss me and I finally gave in. We layed there and kissed for a little bit until my friend came in and said she needed to go home. I told her about it and I felt so bad, but she said that I shouldn't tell my bf.

The next day I talked to her and told her I felt like I needed to tell him about it. I just didn't really know how, but I knew it was the only way for our relationship to go on. I don't like living a lie, and the guilt was killing me. I just didn't know how to say it because we were moving in together the very next day. Then I made the mistake of going over to hang out with my work friend's again and I knew Brad was there also because he invited me. I got drunk again, and he kept telling me all these sweet things like how much he liked me, and that he hasn't connected with a girl like he's connected with me in a long time, and how much it sucked that we couldn't be together because I had a bf. I felt like I may have really liked him at this point, but I think it had a lot to do with the things he was saying. We ended up having sex that night, and I enjoyed it, but I didn't want to do that. I realize how stupid that sounds, but before we had sex he was touching me and I told him not to. Then he started trying to have sex with me and I told him I was really drunk and I might not be able to stop him, even if I didn't want to have sex, but it happened anyway.

I felt incredibly sick after I got home, but I couldn't tell me bf because I didn't want to hurt him. Not to mention I didn't want to ruin us moving in together and sabotage our entire relationship. I was going to tell him about the kiss, I was sure about it, but after this happened I couldn't tell him anything. I felt so guilty and it made it really hard to be around him. When he was at work, I would go and hang out with these people, but I didn't want anything else to ever happen again between me and Brad. I would keep getting drunk every night so I could just forget. And I even told Brad that we couldn't keep doing that, I had a boyfriend whom I loved, and I just wanted to be friends. But everytime he would get drunk he would try and do things with me. I kept pushing him away and I wouldn't let anything happen. I guess I went over there for a lot of reasons, one of those reasons was that I couldn't keep away.

Then my boyfriend started to figure things out and first just found out that I liked another guy. He was so hurt by this, and it made me so angry because I thought that liking a guy was nothing compared to what I actually did. If he knew what really happened, just liking another guy would have been a relief. Well, we got in a fight, and I didn't want to stay at home because I felt so guilty for not telling him what really happened. I didn't like lying to him and telling him that I just liked a guy. I wanted to tell him the truth, but I was too scared. Instead I did the worst thing I could do and went over to Brad's house. I got drunk and we ended up kissing and we had sex again. I didn't really try and stop things this time, because at that point I didn't want to care. But he would say things to me like, "why does it matter if you've already done it before?" and "treat me like you don't have a boyfriend." After this time, I realized I didn't really enjoy the sex, and I didn't really like Brad all that much, and I wasn't very attracted to him.

My boyfriend found all of this out because he asked me about it. He said if I ever loved him I would tell him the truth, and I finally did. But I didn't want to tell him all the details because it just makes it look worse. I didn't want to tell him it happened before his mom's wedding because I know that he would see it as a sign of me dis-repecting him and his family. He has been there for me through so much, and I have only ever lied to him about this, and about being bulimic and telling him when I puked. The things I lied about were things I am so ashamed about that I don't want anyone to know because it will hurt or disapoint them. The worst part is that I know what I did was wrong, but I was being completely selfish and I hurt him so much. He is the one person I truly love and feel like I would do anything for, but I betrayed him for reasons that I still don't fully understand. I don't know how to live with myself, and I don't want to live without him. Now I feel like I know I do not want to be single because I had everything I needed right in front of me, I just didn't realize that I had the best boyfriend anyone could ask for until I lost him. He told me he hates me, and he'll never be with me again. These words are so harsh, but I know I deserve every ounce of it... I want to do something, ANYTHING to get him back, to prove to him that I CAN change and I will change. I love him and I never meant to hurt him, and I want to make things better so that I can be with him forever. But I don't think there is anything I can do to get him back. And it's so f*cking depressing, because I don't want anyone else in my life but him... I honestly don't think I will find anyone that I love more than him, and it kills me, because I don't know how or why I did that.

How do I keep on going on knowing I made the biggest mistake of my life? Can I even repair this relationship, or should I just leave him alone? If anyone has advise for me, I'd really appreciate it.