[ramdogg]

Hello I am hoping to just chat with people who may have a similar problem I am 34 yr old I have been with my wife 8 yr we have 3 children 1,3,5 yrs old. About 4 yrs ago I was hired by a company that her dad worked at although it was a commute I wanted to make more $ so I took the job and started working.

Our life seemed to be good we had just bought a home I was able to make enough to keep her at home like she wanted we had money to do everything. Let me go back to when we met she is about 8 years younger than me and had been in a committed relationship. I guess you can say that when we met she was still talking to her x-boyfriend anyways I met her while waiting at a stop light and asked for her # we talked for 2 months before we got to see each other again so we established a very good friendship her friend and my friends have different backgrounds and we felt uncomfortable around them so we only hung out with ourselves and our relationship only grew stronger than ever she moved in with me after 2 months of serious dating and I proposed after 6 mos of knowing her.

We overcame allot of obstacles along the way she was stalked by her x, she had a miscarriage. We finally got pregnant and had our 1st we married 5 days after he was born. Anyways as I was saying I left my old job behind that I had worked at for 7 yrs while we were dating I brought over a work friend to bbq and cocktails and he was a good friend so I thought.

Back to my story I started working and we were pregnant soon after with my second around that time before we got pregnant our sex life was in the toilet there was allot of frustration on my wife 's part and she would say the meanest things to me due to me not satisfying her. I don’t remember when it happened but I started a friendship with a fellow co-worker female and it went from friendship to serious flirtation but I never crossed the line into anything sexual. After our son was born she started a home business and was rarely home at night .The friend that I had mentioned earlier that came over for bbq was unhappy and wanted out of his job. I got him a job at the place where I work because I thought he was a good guy.

He would come over regularly to visit my wife and me and became good friends with her. I remember my wife telling me that he had wished he could only have a woman as good as her and as beautiful as her. Well I didn’t think he was a threat and disregarded him. I remember one day I was talking to her and she had told me that she was going to his house to deliver some product he had bought naturally I didn’t think he was a threat and it didn’t bother me. Come to find out that he made approaches sexually at her and they kissed well that made me furious and she promised it would never happen again around that same time I told my wife that I had been friendly to a girl at work and that we had been talking and she became unglued she asked if I loved her all the questions a woman would make to see if we had done something. I told her exactly what had happened we talked on the phone at work only we would walk together at break time I told her that she had visited me at work one Saturday I was working o.t. that we exchanged e-mails regularly and that once I realized that what I was doing was wrong I stopped.

Well I thought counseling was maybe what we needed so we went to counseling and that didn’t help worth a damn. We eventually went back to doing our normal routine. One day I noticed she had a purse that I didn’t buy for her and I asked her where she had gotten it from she laughed and told me that that guy that she had kissed had given it to her as a gift. I asked her if there was anything going on and she said it was just friendship she would talk to him on the phone ,e-mail him etc. well I started becoming very jealous of her activity and we started having fights about his friendship with her. Well here we are 3 years later and this year in January or February she came home one day and told me that she had sex with him. I killed me to hear that because I loved her and I thought we were through with all of the hurt we both inflicted on each other. Not to mention I work in the same department as this person so it was hard but I knew I had hurt my wife as well with the flirt I had had because she tells me its not the fact that nothing happened it that you actually liked her she feels that I was interested in this woman more than her so she told me that I cheated on her mentally she tells me it kills her to know that I looked at another woman the way only she should be looked at.

Well I forgave her for her affair but it does not end there just recently she asked if he could come over and eat dinner with us (just for the record he does not know that I know what happened between them) I agreed because I wanted to make her happy well ever since that time he comes over she ignores me and the kids they spend a lot of time outside smoking and playing cards when I ask her she says that they are just friends well I have a problem with that because just recently he bought her a tiffany heart necklace for $650.00 as well as a two handbags all total he has bought her recently about $2400.00 in gifts and she expects me not to get mad I can barely afford a bottle of perfume at Macys . So for our anniversary I took her to Tahoe to relax and to get away from the kids it pissed me off to know that he was coming up as well. She claims that she didn’t invite him so to make a long story short our weekend included him in it as well. She claims that there is only friendship there as far as I am concerned I don’t believe so I don’t know what to do I get into fights very easy with her I hate his guts she claims I don’t know how to make her happy anymore and she also tells me that I changed everything when I flirted with that woman because she cant look at me the same anyways it felt good getting this off my chest I have no friends that I can talk to because if we work things out I don’t want them to look at my wife differently what can I do ?

[Samson]

Make the paragraph your friend, ramdogg, take a deep breath.

Now, I couldn't wade through the whole post.

Let's just look at a piece:

she claims I don’t know how to make her happy anymore and she also tells me that I changed everything when I flirted with that woman because she cant look at me the same anyways it felt good getting this off my chest I have no friends that I can talk to because if we work things out I don’t want them to look at my wife differently what can I do ?

Punctuation is also a good thing.......................ANYWAY

You work for her father's company.

It seems you've made a pact with the devil, ramdogg: Anything you do will make your employer unhappy. She's got you by the balls.

This is going to take a long time to escape. First, see what carrer options you have and begin to qualify for them. Next get another job, preferably in another state. Finally, if she doesn't follow you, then you know its over.

[whichwayisup]

She needs to give her head a shake! My god! HE invites himself to your getaway with your wife? What is that? There is something wrong here. My red flags are up! You really need to talk to her and make her see what's wrong with that? Why couldn't she tell him to go? And he has alot of nerve too.

Have the kids picked up on any of this? Because kids may not 'hear' what's going on but they can feel it.
Just something she should be aware of next time she's out smoking and playing cards with her friends and the kids see...

Hope you're hanging in. You sound like a good guy and you love your wife. Thing I guess (sorry, I don't want to add to your pain...) you need to ask her does she love you and does she want to be part of the family. I wish I could give you something else to go on...Be open and honest with what you feel. And if you really love her then don't give up until you feel you've tried your hardest!

Best of luck

WWIU

Hello,

I am sorry but are you out of your mind? She has sex with this guy and puts your health at risk and your allow her to keep inviting him over for dinner? You allow him to go with you to your getaway at tahoe? You don't tell him that you know he screwed your wife? Your wife clearly does not respect you and feels you will continue to accept all sorts of humiliation and disrespect from her and him.
My guess is that she is still screwing him behind your back and using your past flirtation as justification of her actions.

I suggest the following actions.
1) Tell the OM immediately you know and he is not allowed to ever talk to your wife again. Who cares if you work with him and it would be awkward. You are the one feeling awkward now.
2) Stop allowing and enabling this man to continue any type of affair with your wife. She is not allowed to see him or accept any presents.
3) Inform her that if she continues this behavior you will see an attorney and divorce her.

She is making an absolute fool of you. I cannot believe that when the OM came to Tahoe on your anniversary you did not say anything that you knew and allowed him to share your anniversary with you. My friend, this man has been having sex with your wife and you allow her to spend time with you and your wife on your anniversary? Are you crazy? I can see why she has so little respect for you because you do not have respect for yourself. How can you allow such total humiliation and disrespect.
If you do not have any respect for yourself then why should she toward you?
Stop being such a doormat and stand up to your wife and tell this man that you know everything and will no longer tolerate this from him or your wife. Enough is enourgh. Nobody respects a doormat. My guess is that your wife is still sleeping with him since she shows no remorse. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words. Your wifes actions says a great deal. Unfortunately your lack of action speaks volumes. It is time for you to take action. Why are you so afraid?

[honey2005]

3) Inform her that if she continues this behavior you will see an attorney and divorce her.

I agree with the other posts. You can't let her walk on you anymore. You FLIRTED, that's it, that does not give her the right to have sex with this man behind your back, then invite him to your house and ignore you and your children. I can't believe she would invite the man she slept with into your house where you had to face him knowing what had happened. Does she have no respect for you at all? Don't let her do this to you. Stand up for youself, if not for you, do it for your children. How do you think they feel when they see mommy's new friend around the house all the time, and when he is there she ignores them. Don't let her do this, take control of your life.

[reservoirdog1]

You are putting up with WAAAAAY too much **** from her. And because of that, she figures she can pretty much do whatever she wants because you won't say anything.

She will continue to disrespect you with her actions as long as you continue to allow her to. You are allowing her to be selfish and treat you like *****. You let her have her little f*ck buddy over for dinner to make her happy? No. Not on. You have to put her to a choice: you or him. NOT both. If she wants to stay married to you, he leaves her life for good. And you tell him, in no uncertain terms, that he is not to contact her in any way. You don't have to threaten him (and you shouldn't, for your own good), but you can make damned sure that there's an undertone of menace or threat in your voice when you tell him.

She has to make herself completely accountable to you, because you have no reason to trust her that she won't try to contact him again. All of the above may piss her off. But she will respect you a hell of a lot more if you show her you've got balls.

[Grinning Maniac]

From this guy's post, I'm not so sure he has any. Perhaps they're in a little jar in his wife's purse. Who knows?

All joking aside, this **** is absolutely intolerable. My mouth was hanging open while I was reading this. I can't believe that you could put up with this. It's impossible. This guy was porking your wife and you agreed to have DINNER with him? How whipped are you to even consider that? I don't care how much love you have for your wife, no man with even the slightest regard for himself would allow someone who his wife has cheated on him with INTO HIS HOME, let alone allow him to sit at his table, and eat his goddamned food. Are you nuts? How do you not stab this guy with a broken wine bottle midway through the meal?

Even worse, you sit and say nothing when this guy WHO DID YOUR WIFE, buys her expensive presents and invites himself to your anniversary vacation? How in the world did you NOT beat the f*ck out of this guy? How??? To make things even worse still, you actually believe that ultra-cliche "we're just friends" line from your wife. BS. Yeah, wonder why she ignores you and the kids when he's over, you puss. Also, I'm going to take a wild guess and say he didn't "invite himself" to your vacation. I'm going to go so far as to say your wife invited him. How exactly did he know where to find you guys in Tahoe? Duhh... Tell me, how much attention was your wife giving him when he was there?

My friend, either you have the kindness and patience of Jesus Christ and Ghandi combined, or you are the biggest limp noodle ever. Stand up for yourself man.

[DazednConfused]

Dude,

You are being so used. I know it ain't easy to bail from a life you have built, but you really have to. This woman wipes her feet on your back on a daily basis, and you let her do it.

The thing you are allowing is her to guilt you into believing that this whole mess is your fault for a little flirtation at work. OPEN YOUR EYES!!!! You sit and feel guilty for talking to another woman while she is happily letting this other guy stuff her nine ways to Sunday-and she blames you!? By the way, I would bet every dime I have that she is still having sex with him, and often.

Take your balls back from her, tell this guy you know exactly what is going on, and force him to stop contacting her, buying gifts, showing up, etc. Then tell your wife there will be NO MORE of this kind of crap. IT IS OVER!

Give her another chance or not, that is up to you, but this current thing has got to stop! She needs to know that you are not afraid to walk away and that you will do everything you can to take your children with you! They should not be exposed to such a sick, sick woman.

My wife had an affair too, and she is still here, the difference is that mine not only acknowledged her mistake, but has spent the last two months desperately trying to make it up to me and show me that she wants to be with ME. Yours simply steps on your dick every chance she gets and tells you... "You did this by flirting."

Amazing that you don't see this.

[whichwayisup]

Hi. Seems like you got some harsh advice here, but I guess in a way so many have read this and seemed so passionate about it. It's obvious you're in love with your wife and not ready for what might happen next...Maybe losing her to someone else. But if she really did love you I guess she would not be doing what she is doing.
write her a letter and then make her read it infront of you. See her reactions, and then demand that you both make the time to sit and talk about what's going on.

You definately don't deserve this kind of treatment. It really is Sh*tty what she is doing, as well as she is totally aware of what its' doing to you and your children. I think she really needs help. Try some marriage counsilling? Will she go? I can't remember if you put that in there or not. Either way, therapy is the way to go to fix this marriage if that is what you really want...As well as alot of time to heal your heart...And trusting her all over again.

I hope you're hanging in there. Let us know how it is going.

Hugs.

WWIU

[jmargel]

Let's get through the topics and into the issues. I'll make things VERY clear for you.

What you did:

- Flirted and felt flattered about someone liking you. Nothing wrong with getting being flattered by nice compliments. You flirted back but you also ended it. She was a friend who was attractive, yet you kept your wife #1 in your life

What she did:

- Flirted
- Kissed
- Had sex
- Destroyed the sacred vows you had between each other
- Destroyed all trust between you two
- Had him over for dinner after she told you about the affair
- Accepted expensive gifts from him
- Allowed him to come to your getaway with your wife


What you are doing NOW:

- Being a puppet for her
- Rolling over and piddling on yourself
- Thinking by doing anything she desires you'll make her happy & have her back in your life again
- Not respecting yourself
- Not looking out for your own self interest

What she is doing NOW:

- Continuing the affair (even though you don't want to believe it)
- She is not showing any remorse for what she did
- Treating you second rate. She is not treating you like a husband should be treated
- Does not love & respect you anymore
- Does not take her vows seriously nor does she care too.

This is what you SHOULD do:

Give her an ultamatium. Have her cease ALL contact with him, and find a GOOD licensed marriage counselor. If she says no to either of them, then face the facts that you will continue to be played like a fool until she decides to leave you. If she says no to either of those demands, get all fiancial accounts into your own name and kick her out of the house.

This is NOT a marriage. The foundation of this relationship has been virtually destroyed. I'm not trying to be hard on you, since it's obvious you been through alot, but I am trying to make you take a step back and see the 'whole' picture. There are so many issues that need to be fixed here, and each one will take years to accomplish along with hard work. With her lack of remorse it doesn't seem like she will be willing or even care to start this mending process.

[ramdogg]

Well I just wanted to get all of what I had wrote off my chest although I got very abrasive advise I am trying to cope with everything around me I am not very good at confrontation im not a wimp or a puss I just don’t want to stir anything up with the o/m. I work with him and I really don’t want anybody at work finding out, I don’t want to be the laughing stock or people pointing finger or anything that comes with those kinds of actions. Well like I was saying we went to Tahoe and theirs more to the story that follows and it is embarrassing what I am about to write but I need to get this out. On the second day we where there after going casino to casino and the o/m decided to go to a club and invited us as we got there he asked if I or my wife wanted anything to drink I refused and just sat there. After being there for maybe an hour my wife wanted to leave we had earlier bought tickets for a show and did not want to be late so as he was coming out of the bathroom we were by the door ready to leave and he had asked where we were going my wife said she wanted to leave and he glared at me like he wanted to hit me I ignored him and we got into a taxi to leave he was very upset that we were leaving my wife commented to him to go ahead and stay but he had it in his head that it was me and in front of the taxi cab said “I wish that f-ing old man hadn’t come with us” referring to me .

After we got out of the taxi we got to the casino where the show was at and he got in my face and wanted to fight I was ready I wanted to kick his a$$ but my wife who is taking anxiety pills told me please don’t fight I told her that for her health I would relax she went to that bathroom and while she was in there he continued to get in my face at the casino in a loud voice calling me out and telling me you know where to find me I was ready to fight again and he was asked to leave by security as my wife came out I told her of what had happened and she was very mad at him and his actions I was sure that he had blown any chance of being around us anymore so I was very happy we went to the show we held hands she was very affectionate with me she genuinely felt bad for the bs I had gone through putting up with that putz . After the show she felt bad for him as now he was alone and I said to her I thought he was coming up here to do his own thing anyway as we did not invite him. We walked around and we eventually went back to the room she insisted that I go and play in the casino as I was wide awake and she was feeling ill.

About an hour into playing she called me and wanted me to come back to the room. When I got there she said that she had some good news as well as bad news she told me that the good news was that the o/m was going to apologize for getting in my face and the bad news was that he was on his way over as the hotel that he was staying at had a drug bust and he was scared to go back and had no place to stay. I asked her why she had invited him to the room, as I wanted to hurt this guy. She asked me to be the bigger person accept his apology and let him sleep on the couch it took me a lot to allow this as I was still mad from before.

He arrived and began to apologize. In a pissed off voice and with allot of anger I told him that I didn’t appreciate being talked to and embarrassed the way he did and I did not believe his apology was sincere. He apologized and said it was sincere and he felt bad I did not care his sob story. I let him stay because I am a dumb A$$ anyways on the way home I tried to tell her that what she had done by inviting him to stay in our room was bs she told me what was the big deal we fought all the way home and after lying and telling her parents we had a good time we decided to separate and that’s where we are at today she sleep in one bedroom and I sleep in the other she didn’t talk to me for a week and she told me that I am free to do what I want as far as dating I haven’t even thought about any of that as far as her she has gone to a couple of places with the o/m and still claims that it is friendship which I believe is crap now it hurts me to think that if we don’t work things out I wont see my children on a regular basis and they are so small and need me to be there for them I find myself in a weird position as I do love her but I hate who she has made me I used to be sure and confident of myself now I cant even look in the mirror without thinking how much of a loser I am . I just wish we could go back to being the way we used to be I really hate my life as I feel a prisoner in my own home. Thanks for all the advice it really helps. Ramdogg

Hello again,

Reading you follow up message was very painful to read. I have never read such humiliation and disrespectful behavior that your wife has put on you. There is an old saying which states: "no consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change." She knows she can screw this man and date this man virtually in front of you and there are no consequences to her behavior. When she told you that you can go and date anyone else she actually told you that she plans to keep screwing this guy.
You say you do not want to be a laughing stock by exposing this but you are a laughing stock to this guy and your wife. Do you really wish to live the rest of your life like this? Please see lawyer and salvage what is left of your self-esteem.
Your wife has no respect for you whatsoever. You deserve so much more than this. I am afraid things will get only worse and more and more humiliation is on the way. Please see a lawyer. I wish you luck.

[DazednConfused]

Ram,

I feel for you. I really do. I see no resolution for you until she stops with this other guy. (I will not call him a man). You will remain in this vicious emotional circle until she sees what she is doing to you. Check some of the threads written by the ladies in the OM/OW forum, and you can get some understanding of how very attached your wife probably is. She is continuing this "friendship" because she honestly cannot see herself without him in her life.

She also has no clue the anguish she is causing you because you are staying strong when you are around her. This is a good thing, but she simply cannot understand. If you start being weepy and over-emotional you will become very unnattractive to her and drive her further from you and the life you have built.

Man, this is tough, I don't know her, but I really despise her, and stand by my original post, but that wasn't alot of help. I think if I were in your position, I would write a nice civil and simple letter. Tell her your thoughts, what you would like to see happen, and where things will go from there. Then leave for a night. Let her stew and do some real thinking. It is important for you and she to know one thing: That you can, and will make it fine without her. You will have to truly reach this conclusion for yourself before you can make her believe it. My hope here is that it provides a reality check for her and makes her examine her choices and her actions. The sad truth is that she probably would get custody of the children, but wouldn't that put a crimp in her social calendar if you aren't around to take care of them?

Chances are, she doesn't want to lose you and the life you have made together; perhaps a cold and dispassionate look at that possibility will make a difference.

Again Ram, this is a suggestion, I am not a marriage coach or anything like that, all I really know is that your current situation is unnacceptable.

I will be pulling for you sir!

[jmargel]

Ram,

It's time to seek a lawyer and discuss on how you can get custody of your kids. Like I said before she has no respect, love or remorse for what she did. This is pouring salt into the wounds. She has done this to the marriage, not you. Nothing to feel guilty about. She is trying to make you feel bad as a self-defense mechanism.

It's time to start doing things for yourself. Let her go for now, it's ok to do that. Find a woman who will truly appreciate you, not stab you in the back like she is doing. Do you really want to go on the rest of your life feeling this way? You won't be able to change her no matter what you do or say. She is messed up mentally. And over time she will eventually come back crying to you, etc.. Hopefully by then you'll be over her, and to find out on your own that there are other women out there who know how to treat a man. Then you can tell her she lost the best thing she ever had, and it's something she'll have to live with the rest of her life.

See a lawyer, and a counselor for yourself.. I can't stress that enough.

[reservoirdog1]

Ram... you've gotten enough responses on this thread telling you that you're a coward or lacking balls or whatever. But I read your post about the Tahoe trip, and I felt like hiring a hitman on your behalf to take that motherf*cker out.

What's critical here is your own self respect and happiness. That will be served by one of the following two courses of action:

1) Hire a damned good divorce lawyer, divorce her on grounds of infidelity, and take her for all she's worth. Where I live, it's possible to join the OM/OW as a defendant and make them pay the costs of proving adultery. If there's any legal way you can stick some of this sh*t up his a$$ too, do it.

2) Make your W commit to rebuilding your marriage, and tell her that she can never speak to him again. Period. Phone him and tell him that if he ever contacts her again, you will disembowel him. That piece of sh*t has disrespected you in front of your own wife after you already knew he'd f*cked her. I wish I could tell you that the solution here DOESN'T boil down to "grow some balls already", but I'm afraid it comes down to that in the end. If you have any idea who his family members are, contact them and tell them what he's doing. If he's married, tell his wife. Then, you give your W and ultimatum. If she ever speaks to him again, you will tell her entire family the whole sordid story, from A to Z. Yes, all of this may piss her off in the short term. But she'll get over that, believe me. She'll be a lot more impressed with you if you show her you've got a pair and are willing to fight for her (though not without a f*cking honest effort on her part) than if you just roll over and let that bastard take over without a fight.

You gotta stand up, man... I don' t know how to say it any other way. They walk all over you because you let them. Stop letting them. If you follow #2 above, you may well lose her. But if you ask me, that's better than the miserable existence you seem to think you're stuck with now. And you probably won't lose her.