[nalbano3]

I WILL TRY TO MAKE THIS SHORT AND NOT SO SWEET.I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 9 YEARS AND HAVE 2 CHILDREN FROM MY WIFES PREVIOUS MARRIAGE. WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH SO MANY UPS AND DOWNS THAT MOST PEOPLE JUST WOULD NOT EVEN BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND. I AM A BORDERLINE MANIC DEPRESSIVE AND HAVE HAD MY SHARE OF DRINKING ISSUES. WE HAVE BOTH BEEN ABUSIVE TOWARDS ONE ANOTHER IN THE PAST WITH ME BEING THE WORSE OF THE TO EVILS.NOW THAT I HAVE LET YOU ALL KNOW WHAT AN ASS I AM....HERE GOES NOTHING.

WE HAVE A COUPLE WE STARTED TO HANG OUT ON THE WEEKENDS WITH ABOUT A YEAR AGO. MY WIFE WORKED WITH THE LADY AND THAT IS HOW WE MET. SHE BECAME VERY GOOD FRIENDS WITH THE HUSBAND AND THEY SPENT ALOT OF TIME TALKING WITH EACH OTHER AFTER ABOUT 4 MONTHS. 8 MONTHS INTO IT I STOPPED GOING OVER THERE AS MUCH DUE TO THE FACT THAT I HAD SEEN THEM LURKING IN THE SHADOWS ON SEVERAL OCCASIONS BUT EVERY TIME I MENTIONED IT I WAS TOLD I WAS TOO BUZZED AND MUST HAVE BEEN SEEING THINGS. NO ONE BELIEVED ME!!!!! SHE CONTINUED TO GO OVER THERE WITHOUT ME AND WOULD STAY OVER ALL WEEKEND AND WHENEVER I WOULD GIVE HER GRIEF ABOUT IT SHE WOULD GET VERY DEFENSIVE AND WE WOULD ARGUE....I JUST WANTED TO TALK. SHE STARTED TO GO THERE ON THE WEEKDAYS ALSO MAKING IT HOME AROUND 12 AM TWICE A WEEK. SHE ALSO STARTED TO DRESS A JUST ALITTLE MORE SEXY AND WHEN I WAS GOING TO TAKE THE GARBAGE OUT I FOUND A PACKAGE FOR SOME T-BACK PANTIES. MY WIFE IS A GOOD SIZED GIRL AND IS NOT IN THE HABIT OF WEARING ITEMS OF THAT NATURE. I ACTUALLY ASKED HER WHY SHE HAD GOTTEN THEM AND SHE SAID SO SHE WOULD NOT HAVE PANTIE LINES......GOOD ANSWER. IN MAY WE WENT THROUGH SOME STUFF AND I WENT TO STAY IN A WEEKLY SUITE THEN CAME BACK HOME ONLY TO LEAVE AGAIN SHORTLY AFTER THAT. I HAD COME HOME AND THINGS STARTED TO GET BETTER BETWEEN US AND I EVEN STARTED TO ACCEPT THAT SHE WAS GOING TO GO SEE HER FRIENDS AND NOTHING WAS GOING ON. THEN THIS PAST SATURDAY I WAS OUT OF CIGARETTES SO I TRIED THE OLE' LOOK IN A WINTER JACKET TRICK AND LO AND BEHOLD.....SOME CARDS WERE IN THE POCKET. I PULLED THEM OUT AND SAW HER NAME WRITTEN WITH HIS LAST NAME...NOT MINE AND I LOVE YOU . THE CARDS WERE BOTH DATED 6/2004 SO THEY NEVER WERE GIVEN TO HIM, BUT ALL I COULD THINK OF WAS HER BEING OVER THERE AND HOW COULD SHE DO THIS TO ME. I WISH I COULD POST THEM FOR SOMEONE TO SEE BECAUSE WHAT I WRITE WILL NEVER CONVEY HOW MUCH SHE LOVED HIM OR HOW THEY COULDN'T BE TOGETHER YET BUT WOULD BE SOON. THEY MADE ME SICK!!!!!! I HAVE TALKED TO HER AND SHE SAID SHE WAS INSANE BECAUSE OF MY LEAVING AND WAS LATCHING ON TO SOMEONE BUT SHE CAME TO HER SENSES AND NEVER GAVE THEM TO HIM. SHE SAYS THAT SHE NEVER SPOKE TO HIM ABOUT THESE FEELINGS BUT I FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE BY THE TENSE OF THE WRITING. SHE CAN'T SEEM TO ANSWER THE MANY QUESTIONS I HAVE AND FEELS I SHOULD NOT WORRY ABOUT IT BECAUSE SHE HAS TO DEAL WITH THINGS TOO. I HAVE NEVER HAD A REAL AFFAIR ON HER AND CERTAINLY HAVE NOT FALLING IN LOVE WITH ANYONE. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS....PLEASE LET ME KNOW? THANKS

Hello,

Here is a thought. I think you inform the OM's wife of his behavior. You need to stop this stop it now or it will be a matter of time before something bad happens.
I wish you luck.

[StartingAgain]

First, there is no such thing as borderline manic/depressive. Either you are or you aren't. You say you have never had a "real" affair, which suggests me that, yes, you have had an affair, but just aren't being 100% honest about it. You wife is most assuredly having at least an emotional affair, though it would be hard to say from your post if she's also having a physical affair. But that rally makes no difference. Personally, an emotional affair is more devastaing than just some kicks and grin sex, though that is just as wrong. Seems like you both seem to have difficulty setting boundries with friends.

You make mention of your leaving and her latching onto someone. You are kind of glossing over what may be a very important aspect of your current problem.

You have no choice. You have to get you and your wife into marital therapy ASAP. My personal opinion is that a marriage cannot survive infidelity without the help of a professional trained in dealing with this crisis. So don't even think about trying to handle it on your own. The first order of business must be for her to end the affair. There is nothing that the two of you can do to mend this rift while she is still involved. This will mean that you and the other couple must end your friendship. There cannot be any going back now. this is probably going to cause him considerable trouble with with wife, since she's going to be very curious about why this friendship suddenly ended. But that's not your problem; it's theirs. Offer no information if you are confronted by the other wife.

By the way, where the hell is the other wife during all this? If your wife is going to their house without you several times per week, and your wife is having an affair with her husband, how are they doing it without her knowledge?

If your wife refuses to end the affair, you only have two choices. You can either leave her or you can wait the affair out. Most affairs end within a year, but not always. There are those who choose to wait them out and then work on repairing the damage. I'm not so sure this is a good approach, since the emotional fall-out for the wounded spouse can be devastating.

One thing is certain. Were she my wife, she would not be allowed to go to her lover with my knowledge and assent. If she wants to srew around, she whould have to sneek around to do it.