I have been married now for 3 months. My wife has not worked for 6 and simply sits and home and does not do anything. she promised me after we got married she'd get a job in retail, and she has still not done anything. everytime I tell her she is not helping the "team", she tells me to stop bitching.
She wants the great things in life but wont work for them. she has no life goals and has always gotten everything she wanted growing up (from her parents). she never lived on her own until now and she is 30+.
I am very frustrated as I feel like I am the one who is pulling this ship along and she is simply sitting on the deck yelling out orders. I have already thought about divorce, is this common?

[StartingAgain]

No, it is exceedingly uncommon. Is this lack of desire to get a job the only problem in your marriage? Telling her that she's not helping the team is pretty accusatory. Can you think of a better way to discuss this with her - one that doesn't make her so defensive? If you can't you need to get into marital therapy or coaching fast.

[supermom]

she has no life goals and has always gotten everything she wanted growing up (from her parents). she never lived on her own until now and she is 30+.

That's the reason right there. Her parents did her an unjustice by giving her everything...instead of wanting a divorce...you should be wanting to teach her something.

This is almost like being 18 and out on your own for the first time. You married her for better or for worse, well welcome to marriage.

Let her learn from you. Are you guys financially stable? If not, let her know you need her help. If you make enough money for her to stay home...ask her to get a part time job to help out for her own money...

This is not a valad reason for divorce. IMHO I think divorce is only logical to consider in the event of infidelity or abuse.

Good luck...remember she's just now out on her own (w/ you) so let her learn like you had to at first...

Good luck

[Kizzyfur]

Hey, does she clean house and cook your meals?? Is she in charge of making sure the bills get paid?? If so, consider how much you'd have to pay someone else to do these things??

It sounds as though you're more like housemates than a married couple. Yeah, I agree she should help out if she's able. But take into consideration her parents taught her she didn't have to work for anything. I'm sure you knew this before you married her.
Let her learn from you. Are you guys financially stable? If not, let her know you need her help. If you make enough money for her to stay home...ask her to get a part time job to help out for her own money...

[milla]

Did you discuss you expectations with her before you got married? Does she at least keep the house tidy and cook your meals and do the laundry?

I think it's too soon to think about divorce, but I think you need to sit her down and have a long talk with her about what you expect and what she expects and how you will both compromise to come to an agreement (without accusing each other... that gets you nowhere, believe me I learned the hard way) - after all that is what marriage is all about, compromising and making things work.

Let us know how it goes.

[Suzi]

she promised me after we got married she'd get a job in retail

What means promised? Did you had an ultimatum? She should not work only because you want. You have to talk and find out how you both imagine the future.

and she has still not done anything. everytime I tell her she is not helping the "team", she tells me to stop bitching.

I see more problem here. In healthy relationship one cannot get such an answer. I think you need to be honest with her and tell that the divorce idea is crossing your mind. She will get that there is really something going on wrong and hopefully will want to seriously commit to relationship.




She wants the great things in life but wont work for them. she has no life goals and has always gotten everything she wanted growing up (from her parents). she never lived on her own until now and she is 30+.

That she doesn't have life goals and is spoiled you could see also before marriage. Two months couldn't change much.

I am very frustrated as I feel like I am the one who is pulling this ship along and she is simply sitting on the deck yelling out orders. I have already thought about divorce, is this common?

Sorry to hear that. Can you imagine to live without her? How hard it would be for you to leave her? Do you think she is changed after marriage? Did you live together before? How long have you dated?

[thecake]

that I'd made a huge mistake getting married...but I stuck it out for about a year. And, my ex-husband and I dated 3 1/2 years before we got married....sometimes you just never see the true person until you live with them.

I kind of went through the same thing as far as "empty" promises go....for me, an empty promise is a deal breaker.

I think you should give your wife an ultimatum...tell her if she doesn't have a job in two weeks you're divorcing her. Get out now...don't worry about what anyone thinks...hopefully you don't have kids together or anything. The best predictor of future behavior is past/current behavior...if she promised you she'd get a job and hasn't I wonder what else she would lie about.

Good luck.

[EC]

Your married now. You've said your vows. Remember those? You can't just get a divorce like that after two months without even trying.

I hate that. Now a days its like he doesnt take out the trash I want a divorce. He looked at me funny I want a divorce. He snores when he sleeps I want a divorce. WTF?

You are a "team". Sit her down and tell her You are my wife I love you you said when we married you'd get a job now here I brought you these newspapers so that we can go through the classified section together and get you a job.

Is that so hard?

Sit her in front of the computer and take her to Monsterjobs.com

Don't scream at her about it...talk it out with her.
Ask why she hasn't gotten a job yet and then "listen" to her response.

Atleast try to work things out before just thinking divorce.

[Karlise13]

You have hit a difficult point in your marriage. It's time to try and work things out, make compromises, learn to hear each other and not just give lip service.

This is part of a real relationship. You don't bail just because it's gotten 'hard'.

Sit down with her and ask her to tell you what's on her mind. What kinds of reservations does she have about looking for a job? What is she afraid of? What role does she see herself playing in the marriage?
Try to really hear her, even if you disagree with what she's saying.

After you've asked questions and LISTENED, say, "OK, here's what's worrying me. I see a relationship as a 'team' effort and here's why I feel we are not working as a team,"

Then tell her how you feel (try NOT to use "You make me feel" and "You always do this or that" statements. Use "I feel....." "When this happens it makes me think..." types of statements)

Lvving real life day-to-day with a real person can be difficult.

I wouldn't trash it after 2 months. "For Better or Worse" means exactly that.

I'm not saying that if you two are really not compatible, you should stay together forever. If it's really not meant to be after making efforts, that's different.

Have you two been going to counseling?

[thecake]

I understand your point but SHE made vows too....if she's not going to consider his feelings this early on then he has a long road of ahead of him. Sometimes it is best to get out early. It takes two to make a marriage work and if she doesn't do her part are you suggesting he stay with her?

[EC]

Get out early? This is a marriage were talking about!
I understand she made vows too but I dont think I'm getting the whole story from TUTU there might be things from her part that we don't know. It's not that easy to get a job that you like and that you can benefit from. It takes a while it took me three months to get the job I have now.

It just sounds to me like she needs a little push and a litle guidance. She doesn't need someone attacking them. Its already nerve wrecking trying to find a job, and waiting for callbacks and going to interviews. And it gets even more stressful when you have someone down your neck everyday asking "Did you get a job yet?"

Divorce is a big nasty thing and you know also if he was with her six months prior and knew she didn't have a job and didn't like things about her and her parents and what not then why did you marry the girl? Why did you take the vows?

Is it becuase you loved her? (I hope it was) and if it was then remember that you love her and why you love her and help her to find a job.

Get out early....some people really suprise me.

[Adunaphel]

TuTu, who is doing the housework and cooking? She does all of it, you do all of it, or you divide chores?
You said she has not worked for six months...what was her job? what did she do? was it her choice to quit or she was just fired?

I second the advice of those who suggested to absolutely try to work things before asking for a divorce.

[thecake]

To answer your question, yes, I think it's common for SOME people to think he/she made a mistake early on in a marriage...especially given that EACH case is different. There is nothing more disconcerting than feeling like this so early on. Sure...try to talk to her, be supportive, understanding, etc...but if she continues to take your concern as "bitching" rather than realizing that you're holding her accountable as a 30+ year old woman who doesn't seem to want to work then you need to: 1)...wear a condom - she may be lying about taking the pill and 2) don't waste too much time on it. We all make huge mistakes in life and marrying the wrong person is apparently one that a lot of us make. I’m more disturbed by people who realize their error early on yet proceed to spend the next 10 years trying to salvage a miserable marriage while bringing kids into the world. That’s a scarier scenario to me.

Given that you said "She wants the great things in life but wont work for them. She has no life goals and has always gotten everything she wanted growing up (from her parents). she never lived on her own until now and she is 30+." then, yes, you probably should have taken this as a huge red flag before marrying her. However, you also mentioned she wants to work in retail and I'm going out on a limb by saying this but, I'm almost certain those jobs are easy to find. I could be wrong about that though.

P.S. I’ve been with the same company for 10 years and I'm in my early 30's. If I can do it anyone can.

[TempSain]

Your story sounds familiar to me.
My wife and I got married after a 3 year engagement.
Before we got married, we spent 6 months looking for a house.
We talked about finances several times and she agreed to participate in our bills.
Well, long story short, she never paid a dime for 2 + years.
She gave me all kinds of excuses and nothing ever changed.
She has a job and still insists that a man should pay for all the bills in the house.
Just so selfish of her.

I don't think your wife is gonna change with the kind of attitude that your describing of her.
I would think that her attitude should be looking for a job and not saying to you "stop bitching at me"
That alone tells me everything.

If I could go back to where you are, I would kick her off the team before its too late.
For every 2 months your with her, you have to pay 1 month of allimony.
Think about that.

[StartingAgain]

My question to you TempSain is what is your wife doing with all the money she's making? If you ever divorce her and can show that she had a job, but never contributed financially to the househould, and can't produce a valid prenup to show that this was your agreement, she's going to be singing the blues. Divorce laws have changed, and it is a lot harder for one partner to put the screws to the other. Your wife would probably find that she'd be entitled to very little of the marital property. BTW, Alimony is a thing of the past in most states. It's very hard to get it under normal circumstances. Your W wouldn't have a chance in hell.