[ph816]

Hi,
I have been reading through the forums for quite sometime now and decided to post one of my own. A little background on me and my particular situation. I am a 33 yr old male, work 12 hours a day-6 days a week. Healthy and am more traditional when it comes to relationships. I met a woman a few years ago, who is now going to be 27 this November. We fell in love and got engaged 6 months later. I then made the mistake of having her and her son move in with me a few months after that. At the time it felt like it was the right thing to do, based on her income situation and a few other things.

Everything went fine for the first 6 months. Then we started to argue about small things, became distant and I was not happy anymore with the way things were going. She attempted to cheat on me through email with someone at her work. I had been married before and the reason we got divorced was, I came home early one day to find my wife in bed with another man. She then proclaimed to me she was sorry, nothing happened, and she was just not sure what she was doing anymore. Her apology was more directed at me finding out about it then actually being sorry for what she had done.

We later split up for about two months, then we got back together. She had all the intentions of wanting to be with me and show me that she really does care about me. She told me she really wanted and loved me, and wanted to work things out. The problem I have now is, it feels like I am the one that is having to put myself and my heart 100% out on the table to get nothing in return. She does not work, I provide the house, clothes, food etc... for her and her son. I ask for nothing in return except to be loved and cared for like two people should do, if they are in love. She spends all day at the pool or beach with her son and some of his friends.( He is 5 and will be starting school this August.) When I get home from work I spend time with both of them, but she seems to be forcing it. I have to beg for affection or make the first move, just for a kiss. At night she hangs out with the neighbors, talks on the phone, then puts the child to bed around 11:00 pm. Also, she ends up laying down with him and sleeping there with him till sometime early in the morning (3:00 am--5:00am) when she then comes into bed with me. Just about the time that I have to get up and go to work.

I feel like I am being used for a place to stay and that me and my feelings me nothing to her. I have expressed this to her and tried to talk about us, but it never gets anywhere. The only way I can talk to her is to write her a letter. Verbal communication doesn't get anywhere with her. She tends to become defensive and arguementive and simply seems like she just doesn't care.

I am a very easy to get along with kind of person. I am very loving and devoted. I am very tolerant and trying to be more trusting. I feel like I am on the path to no where in this relationship. The more i try, the more I get hurt. Sex and closeness doesn't even cross my mind anymore with her. I feel betrayed and used. There is a lot more detail to this relationship, but I cannot really put it all down here. What should I do? I still Love her, but I feel there has been too much in our past to love her like I use to. Am I wasting my time? Can people change? Is it worth waiting? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Also, I forgot to mention that she is 15 weeks pregnant and we are still not married.. Maybe she is staying with me just because she is pregnant and has now where else to go.
Thanks,
Paul

[Olivia_19742004]

Have you to two discussed couples therapy?

[ph816]

I have set up several sessions with a therapist, and everytime we are ready to go she says we do not need to go and we can resolve our differences our selves.

[Olivia_19742004]

Well it's time to give her an ultimatum then. Either you go to therapy or you separate. No discussion about that. If the relationship is important enough to her then she needs to go. Especially, if you two have a child coming into the world..

BTW..what were you thinking? Why did you get her pregnant?

[ph816]

Well, at this point she is telling me that it is up to me to trust her and to prove to her that I want her, her son and the baby. Well, quite frankly I don't feel that I should be the one to stick myself out there 100% when I was not the one in the wrong to start with. I have given it my effort and it still stays the same on her part. I told her that I can only try so much with nothing in return. I don't want to be the one to always have to feel like I need to do something then she will. It should be equal and some things in a relationship should just come natural and not have to be asked for or forced by either person. I feel like I am just out there trying to prove something for nothing. Why can it be so hard for people to show emotions or to talk with the person they so called, care about? I know many guys have a problem with this sometimes but, I on the other hand do not. I speak my mind but not to the extent of being hurtful or degrading. I listen to her, when she does talk. I take care of her and I honestly put a heck of a lot more into the relationship then she does. Or a lot more then I get out of it for that matter.

On the other hand, I still have doubts if the baby is even mine! I asked her about it and she says it is, but around the time she conceived we were kind of together and kind of apart. I got a lot of strange calls from guys at my house and she says not to worry---the baby is mine and she has not been with anyone else. We practiced safe sex (condom) but I know they are not 100% protection. Still have doubts about it all.

At this point I am ready to just give up and to move on. Wait untill the baby is born and get a DNA test, then go from there. Since she does not work or have the money to pay for insurance, I have provided that for her as well. When we went to the interview and check up the other day I found out some info that I wish I did not hear at all. Her son, I knew was from a relationship that did not work. Never married and the father pays $150 a month for child support. She also has had an abortion in the past. Also, gave birth to a still born baby as well. All from different men. So, then I start to wonder if this is just a game to her and a way to have child support from me, so she doesn't have to work at all.

It feels like I am just part of a scheme for money. She started off being the best woman in the world, to hardly paying me any attention at all. She says that it was just the beginning of the relationship, all new and exciting and that things change down the road. She also said that no one should expect the things that happened in the beginning to happen for the rest of the relationship. What gives???

Anyhow, guess I need to make some serious choices soon....