I need a man's advice... is virginity that important?
My boyfriend and I have been together since last October but now that he's graduated from college and I haven't its long distance. The problem is that last summer my supposed best friend took advantage of me when I passed out and I had never been with anyone before. My bf was the first and until now the only person I ever told about this. He freaked out.
I completely regret telling him b/c its hurt him so much. He's ocd so it makes things hard cuz he thinks about constantly for days at a time but then for the most part he's ok. He feels like this other kid has something that he doesn't. He feels as though there's a competition between guys for a girls virginity. I don't see it like that. He will always be my first. I don't remember what happened before and I didn't consent it either. He's the first person I've ever fallen in love with and the last person I want to be with.
I try to assure him that its not that big of a deal but the truth is every time this keeps happening it brings really bad things back for me. I don't want to make him feel worse about all of this so what can I do or say to him to help? Is it really that important for guys to have their girlfriends virginity?
Well it is very special espically if your in love but i dont think its necessasary I have had a few girlfriends who were not virgins and i never thought different about them at all I like them for who they are inside. Like they say you cant relive the past.but you can move foward into the future.
maybe he's worried of std's, you getting pragnant from that guy, etc. maybe he was wanting to share the losing of the virginity with you (you only lose it once!!) maybe he is like this because since you weren't yourself and you didn't consent to the sex, you were raped!!! i seriously don't think he's like this because you aren't a virgin any longer, unless he is a serious religious person and doesn't believe sex before marriage.
of course he has concerns. were you with him when this happened??? if you were, you shouldn't get upset for him acting like this. if you weren't together with your man, at least this shows that he is caring enough to show that what happened to you effected him.
you should communicate with him on why he is like this and find a solution to resolve the issue before it tears your relationship up.
I wouldn't have cared about the whole virginity thing. I would have tracked down your "best friend" and beat the sh|it out of him, cause he deserved it.
Hearing your story mad me a little sad... To me virginity is extremely important, however your case is different. You say that "your best friend" (!) took advantage of you when you passed out. Well this is what i call RAPE. You shouldn't hide something like this. I can perfectly understand how your boyfriend feels, especially 1- If he is a virgin, 2- If he has a very strict cultural background, or a religious person, 3- If he cares about you. You say your boyfriend had OCD. This is very dangerous for your relationship, I hope you don't suffer from OCD either. OCD will cause the images of you having sex with that "best friend" stick to his mind and believe it or not, those images will never get out of his head. I say these, because I am someone who suffered and still suffer from OCD. Unless you guys get profesional help, many things will haunt him. How about STD's and pregnancy? Did you have to witness the process you going through all this crap? If he did so, this will cause his OCD to go extreme and he will keep bothering himself and you for a long while.
Does he know this "best friend" ? Does he live around you guys? This could be the main reason for him to refresh all the bad thoughts. One thing that also bothers my mind is: How come you didn't file a complaint? Everywhere you can find confidential security services? Or did you have also emotional relationship with this guy? In any case, If I were your boyfriend, I would beat up the "bestfriend" to death. You should be really happy, because it is amazing that someone with OCD can control his anger well like this. One thing you should know is, him bringing up all this is not because he wants to punish you, it is probably because of his OCD.
I hope you menage to get these thoughts away from his head. This is not your fault. But I would still like you to clarify the story a little more.
If he is someone with OCD, the only thing that can ease his fears is a hymen restoration. It is cheap and very easy. I wouldn't recommend this if he didn't have OCD. I personally think that it is silly, but you say that he feels like he is missing out something. This tells me his concern is physical. It will show him how much you want to help him deal with his issues, ohhh and also stay away and make him stay away from this guy. Someone with OCD may not think properly and do something crazy to take revenge... Good luck, and make him happy, Fight for your love!
He doesn't know who this person is and He never will. I didn't know my boyfriend when all of this happened. I never got pregnant or std's and my boyfriend wasn't a virgin when we met either. The biggest problem is exactly what XYZ was talking about... he can't get the images out of his head... ever. But when he gets really down I don't know what to say to him without making things worse. I feel like everything I say makes it harder for him. And when we try to talk through everything it just makes it worse for the both of us. He's not very open to the thought of going to a dr. to talk and I'm afraid that if we go things will fall apart but if we dont do something about this its going to rip our relationship apart.
Also... he doesn't exactly buy into what I believe about my virginity... how can I explain that to him so that he understands what I'm saying???
Hi!
Now the story gets a little more shaped. While I was advising you, I made all my assumptions on him being a virgin. If he wasn't a virgin, he has no right in this world to expect you to be one. In my opinion, only a virgin has a right to ask for a virgin. However we shouldn't forget that he has OCD which makes things complicated. I have OCD too, and the only way to get rid of images is real professional help. OCD can be cured with appropriate medication and a good therapist. However I refused medicine becuase the medicine I took made me an absolute dumb and I got purple eyes. So I can recommend:
1- Try to convince him to see a couple's counselor
2- Ask him to postpone his fears for later time when he gets anxiety. Tell him that you guys will think about that later.
3- Never loose your temper.
4- Time is the best cure. So let time pass...
5- He feels like this guy got something that he never will be able to, which is your virginity. (This guy obviously is serious with you, and he probably sees you as his future wife) Understand him. Someone suggested hymen restoration. I don't know any details on this, you may want to surprise him with that. But this needs hell a lot of commitment form you to this relationship.
Of course it all depends on you. You can try these if you really love this guy. Try to distract his mind with other things. OCD people get hounted by these thoughts and fears when they get bored and when they have nothing else to think about and also when they come across something that will remind him of the past.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
I need a man's advice... is virginity that important?
. Tell him that!
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