What kind of ridiculous game is this - major mixed signals
I posted a while ago about this girl and received some interesting advice, so I though I'd bring this up to date. I've been seeing, if you can call it that, a girl that is ompossible to pin down and is flakier than a dry pie crust. I'd say that out of the 10 times we've made plans to meet, we've actually gotten together 3 times - the other times, she's cancelled last minute with some excuse. Now I should add that it can take her 1.5 to 2 hours to get to my place if the traffic is bad, so the couple of times she's said she's not up for the drive, I do believe her. She's been pretty good about calling in a timely manner, but that's getting worse.
We had plans the other day in the afternoon and she was a complete no show. This, I felt, was rude and I was pretty pissed and tried her cell a few times that afternoon to see what was up, but always got her voice mail. She didn't end up calling until maybe 9 or 10 PM, leaving a message on my machine asking that I call her back and with the latest crisis story of the day. I didn't return her message until 2 days later and now, 3 days later, I have yet to hear from her. This is very unusual since she's usually pretty good about calling, especially when she needs to cancel. I'm really on the fence about calling in a day or two or not calling at all and seeing how long she takes to call me. Her girlfriend told me there are no other guys and said that this girl happens to be flaky with everyone, that it's not just me that this happens to.
Now for the mixed signals. When we finally do get together, we get along great and the chemistry is great. She's been quite affectionate with me, physically, even in front of her girlfriend, and we've never even had so much as a disagreement. When we're together, we always discuss the things we want to do together. Too bad I've come to be skeptical of any plan we make since I assume she'll cancel. But when I'm looking into her eyes, I believe her, and I believe she believes what she's saying.
So it's a bit confusing, and the easy thing would be for me to walk away, but I do like this girl. It's like she's two people, though. One when we're together and another when we're not. She's fun, when I see her, smart, and she's really quite beautiful - stunning really, so I don't want to walk away just yet.
I think most of you will say to walk away, but I'm interested to hear any dissenting opinions.
From what I gather, this girl is incapable of providing you with small, but very essential ingredients that you require to be happy in a relationship. She has cancelled plans quite frequently, and often with no good reason. She has failed to respond to you in a timely manner many times, and being left hanging is not a pleasant feeling for anyone. I know that if I want to meet a friend for a cup of coffee and he never shows up, it still pains me to some degree. Having a date cancelled would hurt even more, and I do love my coffee.
I think that these are early signs of what you could expect any sort of relationship with her to be like. It's obvious that you need a person who can do the things that this girl is not doing, and being considerate, I think, is just common sense. This girl seems to lack that part of common sense, and might not be worth your investment of time.
I know that when the two of you are together things seem fine, but look at the situation in a broader scope. Do you believe it is wise for you to want to become involved with someone who consistently proves to be unreliable?
but I agree, she may be telling the truth and you may really like her,but
what about the future? This is what would happen,frequently. Unless you lived
closer maybe.. Give it a few more times and see what happens,if she doesn't call,or show up,etc. It is worth a try,but you may want to talk to her about it. good luck! I hope it works out for you 2.
Thanks. I would like to give it another try, but I've become so skeptical of everything she says that I'm hesitant to even try to make plans. I do plan on talking to her about it, but when I see her, not on the phone. I think it would be better that way. I'm in my thirties and am reminded of high school with this bs. And this was a girl who professed to NOT play games. I feel like it's been one big one. Since it's been a few days since I've heard from her, I'll be calling her today, but I'm already doubtful that I'll even reach her personally and will end up leaving another message, which I hate to do since I've come to hate waiting for her to return my call. Faux is probably right, though, this is how it would always be, and it's already been more stressful than I like relationships, or dating, to be. What I hate is that she's a terrific person who obviously has issues that get in the way. It's frustrating since I'd really love to be able to cut through the bs and have a more mature, stable thing with her. Don't know if that's possible.
You already know what to do...and that is meet uo with her face to face (hoping she doesn't cancel) and talk to her about everything thats bothering you. Ask her not her friends if there is another guy or if your just plain wasting your time on her. Tell her how you thought she didn't like playing games and it feels like it's been one big game. Just let it out and see what she has to say. Good luck!
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The male brain is more compartmentalized than the female brain. Men can seperate things whereas women have a harder time cause their brains are all wired together in some inter-connected mish-mosh.
Maybe she just wants to take things slow. Have you talked to her about your feelings?
You know, I thought about that, especially considering the bad relationship she came out of a while ago. She was beaten black and blue and raped by an ex. In fact, when we were making out one day, she stopped and asked me if I'd ever hit a girl. Of course, I had never, and would NEVER, and told her so. So I also think she's got some serious baggage, but I'm patient with people I care about and am wiling to work with her on what she needs. I'm a nice guy, maybe to a fault.
So yes, I've thought she taking it slow, but now I've not spoken to her for almost a week, and we would speak almost every day. Our last conversation was completely normal. It's a mystery.
I do need to address the flakiness though. Now I only have to somehow get to see her.
Last edited by JohnnyBravo; 15th July 2004 at 12:57 PM..
She trusts you enough to discuss her past so that you understand her issues. It seems she is always willing to chat w/you- it's just physical closeness that freaks her. Understandable considering her past. Anyone who becomes involved w/ an abuse victem will need more than the norm amount of patience- BUT you don't have to "suffer in silence". Keep the communication open and discuss your concerns w/her.
Oh well now that you've said all that it's a completely different story. It's very hard to get over being beaten and abused by someone you love. It can leave scars that never trully heal. Now I understand her flakiness. You have to give her time and let her come to you and just prove that you trully care for her and have no intentions of harm. But most importantly talk to her. Yeah I think she is definitely just being cautious and wants to take things slow.
Thanks Fayebelle and EtErNaLlYCoNfUsEd. I appreciate your insight. I'm going to call her today even though it was me who left the last message, responding to her message - on Sunday evening. I hate double calling, but I've no idea whatsoever why she hasn't called. It's a bit out of character. I can't imagine her feelings for me could have changed overnight. But nobody is so busy that they don't call for 3 days. So I'll post here what ends up happening.
I knew when she told me a bit of her history that that was a serious thing and that abuse is something that takes years to get over, if one gets over it at all. I agree that patience, within reason, is the key.
thanks again
Last edited by JohnnyBravo; 15th July 2004 at 1:16 PM..
I don't think these are mixed signals at all. If she's cancelled 7 out of 10 times, then you're not a priority to her. She probably has a great time when she's with you, as you describe, but it sounds like it's just casual fun on her part when it's convenient for her. People will make time for others when they want to. If she hasn't, it's because it's not a priority for her.
As for the abuse thing, that may translate into a hesitance to discuss deeply personal things or get emotionally attached to you, but I doubt the flaking is a result of her ex's poor treatment.
Also, even if she was seeing 10 other guys, her girlfriend would cover for her and say she's not seeing any. A man in his thirties should be wise enough to know that already.
With all that being said, I think it's possible to win her over if you're willing to keep up the patience and put up with more cancellations. But it sounds like you're more into the relationship than she is. If you do decide to stick it out, I think you should definitely bring up the flakiness issue if for no other reason than to see how she reacts.
I understand what you're saying about priority, and her priority lately has been her girlfriend, who is having a very hard time with a broken relationship, so she's been spending a lot of time with her as support. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt and being patient, as you suggest.
In fact, I just saw her briefly and was finally able to discuss a bit of the flakiness and she apologized for her no show last week. She again said she'd like to go out with me again and that it's just been an unusual period what with her girlfriend and her court case regarding the abuse. I told her, in fact, that I'm being patient and understand that things come up. Now I'm supposed to see her tomorrow. We'll see. Wish me the best.
to me i think she is playin you. I hate to say it, because i know support is what you want to hear. If she really liked you, a few cancellations would be acceptable, but complete no shows? Where is the respect? Her integrity, or her integrity in terms of you isnt a priority. I think you need to do something gutsy and take a risk and try to win her while she still has fun with you. It takes a lot of courage to go for it, and i can understand if you dont, but being as passive as you are cant be making you out to be mr right. Just my opinion
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sorry about that
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