YellowLioness Posted July 14, 2004 Posted July 14, 2004 Hello, all. I was wondering... I've seen so many posts with the advice, "Just don't talk to them! No contact..." Does it actually work? I"m not in a situation where I need advice; I was just curious. I thought that communication was supposed to be the heart and sould of a relationship. Does the "no contact" rule constitute game playing, sort of like giving someone the cold shoulder? Like... if you can't communicate with someone, and you have to play games to get their attention, then why would you be with them? *shrugs*
HokeyReligions Posted July 14, 2004 Posted July 14, 2004 Usually its a matter of leaving someone alone so they can make up their own mind and sort out their own feelings without feeling pressured.
Author YellowLioness Posted July 14, 2004 Author Posted July 14, 2004 Hrm. From what I've found, if someone needs space to make up their mind about you, then it's probably over. At least, that's been my experience. To me, it just seems like not contacting the person would be a prolonging of the break up process. I mean... I've done it, and though I did want to give the person space, they ended up breaking it off, anyway. This happened on more then one occasion. ;-) The guy I'm with now is definately long term. We've been together a month short of a year. He's been asking about ring sizes and what kind of stone I want in the engagement ring, and all that. When we were long distance for 8 months, we had two pretty big blow outs, to the point where we were wondering if it was just time to say, "adios amigos!" But, we never stopped communicating. I don't know... we both ached for eachother so badly that we couldn't just stop talking like that. Deep down, we both knew that eachother was "the one" and that we never wanted to let go. I understand that people need space on a casual level... like I like to read my poetry books while Wil reads his Terry Brooks series. Of course, we know eachother needs personal space. So, is it space from the pressure of the relationship? Hrm. Well, shoot fire. Y'all write me back and tell me if it's actually worked for you, whatever your status. :-) (guess that's the mountaineer coming out... YEEEHAW) :-)
Fayebelle Posted July 14, 2004 Posted July 14, 2004 You are correct- communication is the corner stone of relationships. You say you and your man wondered about saying adios.....but you never did. Once one member of a couple expresses desire openly for a relationship to end-communication should also. No matter what -once the adios is spoken- the relationship to that point is over. Of course there are times where ex couples start fresh or ex coulples become friends- but either way it's begining from scratch so you need space and perspective to reach a point where this new foundation can be built. Maintaining contact w/the one who said goodbye is only prolonging the demise of the previous relationship and building bad blood between 2 people who may be able to build seperate lives w/ or w/out one another. IMHO-This is why a period of no contact is necessary.
Naive Posted July 14, 2004 Posted July 14, 2004 Also it's good to have NO CONTACT when he's not the one for you and you need to give yourself space to think things through.
OnTheCusp77 Posted July 14, 2004 Posted July 14, 2004 [color=darkblue][/color]I was in a situation that called for it not too long ago. And I have to say it was the best thing I could have done for the relationship. Short version: He decided he wanted to see other people, I decided I'd let him... and that would be that. NO CONTACT!! Just 8 days later he called to ask me to dinner and a movie (one we'd been waiting a long time to see, it was a new release that weekend). Reluctantly, I accepted. Turns out - He went on a date with someone else that week we didn't speak, and in turn realized he'd already found exactly what he'd been looking for in me. So, I guess you can say it's a gamble. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. You know what they say... You don't know what you got 'til it's gone. This is why the no contact rule can be effective. I'd be careful about using it though... Doing it often can be called game-playing. Something I'd never recommend.
dudesomewhere Posted July 15, 2004 Posted July 15, 2004 the no contact junk is all apart of that game people play I on the other hand don't play it so, when it's no contact, regardless of who initiates it, it's no contact period. I don't do it to make someone curious so they'll come back. Sad thing is, since there's so few in the world that do not play games, the people who go through no contact with me think I want them back...even if they started it so they'll come back in the picture some how or another and that frickin annoys me. Do you know how stupidly annoying that is if someone breaks up with you, does no contact but you don't really care or want them back and they try to get back with you? Psychos
Author YellowLioness Posted July 15, 2004 Author Posted July 15, 2004 Well, alright, so people are silly sometimes and do things that are bad for them: including dating people who are psychotic or just terminally flawed. Now, this may be a whole nother thing... but... why stay if you're not happy? why does it have to get to the "no contact" point? What would it cause for any of you to get to that point? dudesomewhere, i still agree with you, to tell the truth. If i don't want to talk to someone, I don't talk to them. If it gets to the point where I feel like I need "no contact" then its that way for good, usually. Space between people usually doesn't fix the problems that people have with eachother. If you take a break from someone who sucks spaghetti noodles through their nose holes, that's still going to drive you nuts after the period of "no contact." This is the same for issues of boys who don't call like they should, cheat when they shouldn't, flirt with other girls... whatever. Same for girls and guys... girls do stupid stuff, too guys... I'm not sexist. lol. why take a break from someone whose own little faux pas will only get more problematic with time for you? just leave'em. Faybelle- So basicially, when the friendship (if people stay friends after a break up (VERY HARD TO DO)) gets unhealthy THEN the "no contact" thing needs to be instated until a healthy relationship can be built over time? kind of? I can somewhat understand that. Sometimes it takes time for the hurt to stop. Been there, done that. Got the "Friends with my Exes" tee-shirt. ;-)
Fayebelle Posted July 15, 2004 Posted July 15, 2004 IMHO- Yes. Works for me- I'm friends w/ all my exes. (I know it's odd) Maybe it's No Contact or maybe I'm just lucky. All I know is I always take a NC period and these are my results. If it ain't broke don't fix it. Ya know?
Author YellowLioness Posted July 15, 2004 Author Posted July 15, 2004 Yeah, and if it IS broken... and broken once and for all, then trying to fix it is like trying to roll up hill. Don't try it, if you never have. ;-) Its just wasted effort for no reason. There are better ways of getting out your hurt then trying to mend it by "getting back" a boyfriend or girlfriend.
faux Posted July 15, 2004 Posted July 15, 2004 To me, "No Contact" is what ought to happen after a relationship is already over. I agree in that communication is a very essential part of any relationship. When a relationship ends, however, I think it is best for both parties to discontinue speaking with one another. In my experiences, I have learned that what works best for me is to quit talking to, going near, or associating in any way with someone who suddenly becomes an ex. Perhaps a few months later the person might say hello, and a year down the line we can be friends, but there has to be a lot of time apart. "No contact" helps the healing process, and prevents anything more icky from developing out of the break up. Some people try to view the no contact thing as a way to win an ex back, but that is completely wrong. Take this for example: ...Short version: He decided he wanted to see other people, I decided I'd let him... and that would be that. NO CONTACT!! Just 8 days later he called to ask me to dinner and a movie (one we'd been waiting a long time to see, it was a new release that weekend). Reluctantly, I accepted. Turns out - He went on a date with someone else that week we didn't speak, and in turn realized he'd already found exactly what he'd been looking for in me. So, I guess you can say it's a gamble. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't... "No contact", I do not think, is intended to let someone realize what they have or have just lost, or what they want. The discontinuation of contact is to help you realize the relationship has ended, and that you would be wasting your time waiting around for the person to come back. I do not think it is supposed to be a game, as people seem to constantly make it into. While in a relationship, I think it is important to retain a certain amount of personal space and "alone time", but communication should never be discontinued. When a relationship is over, however, the two people do not really have any business speaking to one another for quite some time, if they are going to speak to one another ever again that is.
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