This is an interesting post....I'm glad someone started a post like this.
As I write this so far there hasn't been any responses but since my response will be long there will probably be a bunch before I finish.
I was sexually abused when I was a young child, a male neighbor of ours who was married and had older boys who were my older sister's age, they were almost grown like 10 years older than me. Anyway I didn't have a father figure in my life and he took me under his wing, I would hang out around his garage while he worked on cars and did whatever around his house like yard work or whatever. My Mom was a single mom and didn't see him as a bad guy, he would babysit when my sister was gone and mom needed to run to the store and stuff, no one ever saw anything wrong with that back then but now thankfully people look more closely at men who like and volunteer to watch young kids.
Anyway we were always alone, I would run with him and jog, he would buy me things, food, small toys, little things like that. I would frequently spend days watching movies with him and at first he didn't do anything to me. Well it turned out that he molested me a total of 4 times. I felt so guilty the first time that I stayed away and I felt like it was all my fault. I didn't go near him again until my family started asking me questions. They would ask me why I hadn't been over to see him (for me being around him before this was an everyday thing) I was like "daddy's little girl" but him being just a neighbor not blood.
I was afraid they would figure something (and like I said I felt it was "my" fault) so I ended up going over there a few more times and each time he did it! The last time I hadn't seen him in like 6 months and my mom told me to go tell him "bye" because we were moving and I'd never see him again (little did she know I was elated that we were moving) I didn't wanna go and cried begging her not to make me. Clearly since she didn't know she told me it was bad manners since he had done so much for me over the years!!
Long story short I went, this time he took it farther and tried to get "in" me and thank God that he heard a noise and turned me loose. I ran as fast as I could home, fell almost broke my nose and ran straight into my sister's arms! I wanted to scream to her what had been done to me but I didn't have the courage so she assumed it was because I had fallen and was bleeding. Thankfully that night we moved and I never saw him again.
Years went by and I never told anyone I remembered but didn't think it affected me. I started skipping school, acting out, being angry and eventually tried to kill myself. My Mom had me put in a behavior center (basically a mental hospital) I got therapy and told them what happened but being young I didn't take advantage of the help like now I wish I had.
I "still" feel guilty to this day and it is making my heart burn in my chest and my eyes water with tears as I type this now. I wish there was someway to understand if and how it's affected my life in the past.
I acted out with older men back in the day when I was between the age of 14-16 but I finally got it together and learned self respect and self worth and self esteem but I know that I could probably benefit from therapy now but I don't want to go through all that now.
I know that I look skeptically at a lot of grown men, I don't have children but I swear if I did I would "not" trust them with "anyone" I fear I would even be fearful of the man I had the children with. I don't know if this is normal but I hope that those skeptical feelings subside over time.
I know I haven't been very helpful with this post but that is my story and my insight! I think when a person is ready and able enough therapy would really help to control the feelings but I don't know if someone ever really "heals" from this!
I forgot to add in the last post that the one thing I wish is that my family had really noticed the change in me and I wish they would have been persistant about trying to get me to tell them what was wrong!
I would never admit this to them but if they would have just tried a little more I would have opened up. I know they had "no" idea what had happened and had "no" way of knowing so they are no way at fault but if I could have opened up when it all happened I can't help but feel my life would have been different. I wonder if I'm wrong for feeling this way???
1. Have you sought, or think you will seek, counseling for the abuse?
I forced my husband to seek counseling when I found out how bad the abuse was. He has been in and out of counseling for years, dealing with the abuse on a personal level and with our marriage. I have gone to marriage counseling with him and the abuse plays a big part.
2. Can you see the ways that the past abuse affects your life now?
Yes he, we both, can. No self-esteem. No self-confidence. Failure to stick to anything or follow-through with things. Inability to make a decision and stand firm. Hatred of women. Does not adapt to change. Anger. Resentment. Fear of hurting oneself. Cutting himself off from emotion – including positive emotion. Not allowing himself to really be happy because deep down he still does not feel like he deserves it. I could go on, but it would take pages and pages and pages. Our marriage has suffered and we are divorcing partly because of his past abuse and his inability to grow some cojones and be a man and deal with his life NOW. I know that sounds crude, but its time he stood on his own and used the tools and the love he has experienced for the last 20+ years. That is the only way he will ever be able to be the man he wants to be.
3. If you have sought counseling, did it help to diminish the symptoms of childhood abuse?
It helped him cope with some aspects. He reconciled with his mother after 25 years, and his father disowned him when he did that. He KNOWS intellectually that his father’s absence is a good thing and is not a reflection on HIM, but on his father. It still hurts him sometimes though.
4. Is it possible to heal completely?
Some say that it is, but I don’t believe it. I think it has more to do with the types of abuse and by whom, and how long it lasted.
5. Do you treat your own children, if any, the way you SHOULD have been treated?
Yes. I have stopped him from treating the kids the way he was and he was aware of it, so he avoided the verbal and emotional abuse for the most part. He came near to beating our daughter when she was a baby and I was there to step in. He never actually touched her or shook her or anything, but he probably would have if he had been alone with her at the time. That is when I first realized how serious he problems are and I got him help. He did not see the kids until he had things under control and had a place/emergency phone number to call should he ever feel that he needed to spank or discipline. He used it once and our daughter was safe. His using that outlet and knowing he did the right thing was miraculous for him. It was the first time he ever felt good about himself—he made the RIGHT decision and protected our daughter and our family. I was so PROUD of him then! More importantly – HE was proud of HIMSELF. The positive reinforcement was that our daughter was not harmed.
It’s funny. Part of the therapy that the doctor prescribed was for him to go to a park and watch the little children playing. Just watch them laugh and have fun and to realize that those children did not deserve the abuse (disguised as punishment and training) that was heaped on him. Then to realize that he did not deserve it either.
He tried that one time and a cop told him to leave because someone complained about the man watching kids!
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Spay or neuter your pets!
Last edited by HokeyReligions; 12th July 2004 at 5:51 PM..
Reason: Hokey Can't Spell!
About a week before I went for my sleep study I read this. I was curious if my sleep problems could possibly be related to child abuse. It was amazing to read this, as I could identify in more ways than one...
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I actually think I was stunned when I finished. I had already been to different drs. for several of these symptoms and here I was going to yet another. Got me thinking I'm going about it from the wrong side.
Thank you miz_barby for sharing your pain. I wish it was as easy to tell then as it is now. I'm not sure even if I had been pressured enough then if I would have opened up.
More tomorrow!
Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 10th August 2004 at 11:01 AM..
Reason: Removed copyrighted material
Wow that is eye opening! I can sadly relate to some of those things on the list! Actually a lot of them except std's *thank God* and prostitution and a few other ones on the list!
I can't believe these are symptoms of childhood sexual abuse, looking at this...well it kind of makes sense.
Anyway as I mentioned before I'm glad someone started a post like this!
Sorry it's taken me awhile, as I type I'm still trying to decide what I want to include, how to even start, etc. Maybe I'll just start and figure it out along the way!
I think my first memory of my life was moving day, age three. My parents wouldn't let me take my favorite doll. This doll walked with me when I held it's hand, I loved it. Apparently it's hair and eyelashes were falling out, to me only more proof of how much I loved it. I remember crying.
Childhood: I don't know when it started, but my father started verbally, emotionally, pysch. abusing me, and sex. abusing my brother. My brother in turn psych., physically and sex. abused me. It ended for me around age 14-15, shortly after we had my father arrested and taken from the home (he had held a gun to my brother's head.) He was not to see us for 2? years, but manipulated his way back for visits occasionally. The last time I saw him, at 20, he tried to molest me. Last time we talked was 6 years ago.
I think I've dealt with the issues between my brother and I, I think my father's scarred me for life, and I think I still have resentment towards my mother. She worked all different hours, leaving my b and I home alone too often.
My perception of my youth may be distorted, but I look back and saw it as all painful memories, full of people who always end up hurting me, still to this very day. I'm scared to let anyone into my life. I'm looking for Mr. Right, but all I get are proposals from married men, or guy's who try and guilt me into going out with them by saying "just as friends" when I tell them I'm not interested. My last best friend just ended our relationship when she decided to date my ex-boyfriend, and we all work in the same dept. Essentially she is making me relive my rollercoaster relationship with him, like when they went on vacation together to the same place we did.
Anyways, I feel like I won't find happiness until I conquer my past and break the pattern I keep repeating...like sleeping with a guy WAY to early in the relationship. I'm going to print out the handbook on this website and try it. Worth a shot!
Quickly, here are some symptoms I'd like to see vanish...social anxiety, depression, excessive daytime sleepiness, inability to stand up for myself, insecurity in decision-making, etc.
Sorry so long, hope it's coherent! There's so much I didn't know what to include/not.
social anxiety, depression, excessive daytime sleepiness, inability to stand up for myself, insecurity in decision-making, etc.
I swear I dealt and sometimes still deal with the same "symptoms"!!! I have social anxiety really bad when I'm in a place with new people that I have to talk to face to face with! I think insecurity is something that I'll deal with forever also, it has gotten a lot easier over time. Sometimes it takes a long time to get over these things but it can be done! I'm so sorry you had to go through and are still dealing with this. Your story is so terrible, I'm glad you were able to work through this, my situation pales in comparission to your's but none the less a book that really helped me was "The Courage To Heal" workbook. It took me awhile to get through it but it really has helped me through understanding my feelings and in all ways just basically made me feel better. Here is a link to the book and a description of it. courage to heal *description*
Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 10th August 2004 at 11:07 AM..
Reason: Updated URL.
I was verbally abused as a child, but there is alot of my child hood that I've thankfully blocked out. Those symptoms you mentioned are really familliar. I'm sleepy constantly at work. I have a VERY low sex drive with my current partner, and I'm very attracted to him, actually. I was terrified of men until I was like, 18. I was SO scared, in fact, that I thought I was gay my entire span of highschool.
I'm bi-polar, and actually I do get sick fairly often... asthma and colds and the like. I tend to be pretty reclusive when I'm around people I don't know. It just feels like I am some how different from other people, and that they can see that blaringly when I am outgoing.
Wow...
This was really... enlightening in a less then positive way... but enlightening none the less.
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I'm choosing to have no contact with the threads involving no contact. Is that healthy?
I'm ready to call, but I am wondering what kind of therapist should I seek?
This Provigil to stay awake seems to be making me even more sleepy. I am exHAUSted right now, my eyes won't focus and I've gotten nothing done at work all week!!
Well, I finally gave in and got an appointment to the counselor I had about 4.5 years ago. Saw her yesterday.
Going to a therapist the first time is much like throwing up. You just want to get it all out and let them sort through it and figure out what made you "ill." LOL
As I was getting it all out, she mentioned bipolar, some OC behaviors, and something I never even thought about, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. She said to look it up and read about it. She also suggested some meds and a supplement for my daytime sleepiness. She doesn't prescribe so I would have to see my general phys., which he'll have no problem with any Rx's.
It's so shocking how sensitive I still am after 17 years. I broke down a couple of times. I knew it was still there in my mind because of some dreams I still have, but I thought I was for the most part over it.
This will be a good journey I feel. I look forward to being healthy!
I am an adult survivor of child molestation. I was nine years old and I will remember those three times it happened and every single detail for the rest of my life and it sucks.
I have never sought help although i am considering
I have a lot of trust issues and issues with sex and i know it is a direct result of my childhood trauma
1. Have you sought, or think you will seek, counseling for the abuse? Yes I have for many years
2. Can you see the ways that the past abuse affects your life now? Absolutely it is only recently that I have been able to come to terms with the fact that I was not responsible for the abuse and that I am worthy of being treated well.
3. If you have sought counseling, did it help to diminish the symptoms of childhood abuse? it didn't help diminish them but it helped me to deal with them in a more productive manner..
4. Is it possible to heal completely? Its possible to close the wounds however they will always be a part of ones life.
5. Do you treat your own children, if any, the way you SHOULD have been treated? Yes!!! I talk with my daughter, I have been honest with her about my own abuse and try my hardest to keep the lines of communication open. I Know that I can not protect her 100% but I can sure and heck try to protect 100%. She hopefully knows that she can trust me and if anything ever happens my hope is that she will be quick in coming to talk to me abou it..
I am on Wellbutrin now, but my doc says we'll probably need to add Effexor or Zoloft to increase the brain chemicals that Wellbutrin does not.
Therapy is fine, it's still in the divulging information stage. I'm a pretty impatient person so I get down sometimes if I don't have a "productive" session. It's also hard not knowing what direction she's going to take. The other thing that surprises me is when something I'm talking about brings about a whole new memory, not just a one-time instance, but a whole time frame that something was going on. I had that experience last time, two different sets of memories.
Does anyone have all these memories, but no clue about the time frame? I couldn't at this point write anything down because I have no idea at which ages these things happened!
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