[CurlyIam]

I have seen a few posts and I started thinking that maybe it's me living in my own fantasy world... So I've had one ong r'ship and ended up all alone, with no friends, no hobby, no nothing except for some great opportunities of a career.

I under no circumstance want to make a career out of my family. I want to be able to preserve my hobbies, my friends, the time for myself and my lover.


I don't want to make the same mistake and put all my time and effort in a relationship. I don't want my bf suffocated by me and by my constant attention. Not now, not later. I just hate it when women do this.



Ok, this is the fanasy world! you,girls, in the real world, how do you make it? [color=darkblue]Do you still see your friends, do you still preserve your male friends, how do you keep your independence? What's your "statement"? [/color]I mean, this is seclusion because of our gender!!!! And you know what? WE, it's us, the WOMEN, instating it! Maybe in the US is different, back in my own coutry it's reality!!!!

[clia]

I don't understand what you are asking -- are you asking how women preserve their independence while in a relationship? What is this "seclusion" you are talking about?

[supermom]

In my first marriage, my exhusband would be upset if I wanted independance, and being young, I allowed that.

Now that I'm remarried, with a child, My husband lets me do what I want. We trust each other. I have decided that no man will tell me what to do again. At the same time though, if my husband wants to go out, I don't tell him no, unless I really have something planned for us, then he can decide.

Trust is a huge factor in this. My first hus and I didn't trust each other...so it was harder...

I am friends with my ex's wife, and he does the same to her...I hate that but I also realize what I gave up! I also gained a life.

I'm only 25 too, and still want to hang out. I hardly do go out, as I work 45 hours a week and miss my daughter, but sometimes it's fun to go out with "no curfew"

[CurlyIam]

Yes, I am asking how women keep their indepenence in a relationship!

The seclusion part: when I was single, my status changed, so some of my gal "friends" felt I was not safe anymore.

On the other hand, when in a relationship, women "are to not preserve male friends" because they aren't safe either! Which lives the women in a relationship with no single friends or male friends.... Guess what happenes when she breaks up with the guy...


Curly

[Fayebelle]

To me a relationship is the sharing of 2 lives. SEPERATE BUT EQUAL. It was a bad idea for segragation (sorry Curly that's an American thing) -but a good idea in relationships. I keep ALL of my friends,interests, and hobbies when I enter a relationship and share them w/my BF - but they are still mine. It's tricky finding balance but that's part of our life. Nothing should be left behind in a relationship. My job, my friends... they are all part of me and I won't abandon any part of myself for anyone. Not even my BF.

[UCFKevin]

I tend to go for independent women, and when I encounter a clingy one who has to be with me 24/7, I get pretty turned off by that.

My friend Scott, I think, has the PERFECT marriage and relationship, which is f*cking HILARIOUS for me to admit, since I was never a fan of him being with who he's with, but I see now that it just works wonderfully. They both spend a lot of time together, but they also have time apart. They go out with their friends, not with each other all the time, they both have outside lives, and that's VERY important to a relationship.

My last r/s, it was basically just me and my ex, or we'd go out with MY friends, so she was doing things on my side, not hers, and lost her "self", which is my own mistake, but then again she could've spoken up. I tended to give her a guilt trip whenever she'd go out with her friends, which was REALLY stupid of me to do, not only because she needed time for herself, but because I"d be happy to get time alone and just play video games or whatever. So...man...you learn a lot in relationships, I guess.

[clia]

The seclusion part: when I was single, my status changed, so some of my gal "friends" felt I was not safe anymore.

I don't get it -- are they afraid you are going to "steal" their boyfriends/husbands? I've never encountered that with any of my friends. Even while in a relationship I manage to see my girlfriends once or twice a week--they are important to me! They are fun! And sometimes it's nice to be able to talk about tampons and female stuff. I think you need to find some new friends!

On the other hand, when in a relationship, women "are to not preserve male friends" because they aren't safe either!

Says who? I have tons of male friends. My boyfriend trusts me and I trust him. I haven't entered the current discussions going on about how males and females can't be friends because I think it's ridiculous. Of course they can. People are people. It's only insecure people who believe that their boyfriends/girlfriends can't speak to someone of the opposite sex without wanting to jump in bed with them.

At any rate, I realized long ago that MY life doesn't end because I get into a relationship. I still do all the things I did before, but I also get to do new things that my boyfriend likes doing. I would flip out if I was with a guy who wanted to spend every second with me -- I like having my girls nights, and I like him having his guys nights.

[meanon]

LOL Curly! Was this prompted by the oxymoron thread? It made me smile, I've had similar arguments here in the past.

I still see friends, have male friends and am independent. The thing is, many of the women I know are the same. I think there are wide culural differences in what is considered normal behaviour. There is some merit in the argument that there is more risk of disengagement from a relationship but that's life, better that than not engaging with the world out of fear of what you may discover. As you say, there are also risks if you take the opposite approach, demanding so much from a relationship that you suffocate it.

For you inparticular, Curly, the other things in your life are very important. They provide balance. That's not a fantasy.

[moimeme]

People have different needs at different times. Some need and want plenty of space. I always thought I was one of those but, when I was married, spousal unit and I enjoyed most of the same things and got along extremely well - so we ended up doing practically everything together. Our individual friends became friends of us both (and still are!). And it was fun and I quite enjoyed it.

My theory is that you should marry the person whose company you enjoy the most since you have to spend a lot of time with that person I get that some people don't want their SO around all the time, but I'm not necessarily sure why - do they get tired of each other? Do they like each other but not a lot? Or do they get tired of everybody, no matter how much they like the people? Or is it a function of compatibility - if you are doing the same thing because you both enjoy it a great deal and you share your opinions and attitudes about whatever you're doing, does that make it easier to spend lots of time together? Is it fundamental differences that cause you to want time apart?

[meanon]

Personally, my need for independence has much more to do with me than how compatible I am with the person I am with. I need a number of close friendships to be happy. To be unable to have them would feel like a loss of freedom and of an essential part of who I am. I've always only dated people who have understood and accepted this.

As to your questions Moi, my husband and I are total opposites. My friends (who have more in common with their partners than I do mine) also have the same need for independence. Their primary relationships are the most important ones in their lives but other friendships are important too. It's not so much that they don't want their SO around, it's more that strong relationships are formed in the personal exchange with one other person. These friendships add not just variety, they add richness and quality to life.

[Kat]

I had a small child before entering my current relationship.

The previous relationship, I would have either been the woman stuck at home looking after the kids, or the women out working so that my 'husband' could spend all my money.

Now I am in a relationship where I have a full time job and so does he. We have spoken about having more kids and he wants to 'take care' of his family. I have told him that I couldn't handle being kept and he knows it.

Having a man support you doesn't always mean you lose your independance.

Maybe you have a past that shows 'independance' as something that it isn't?

[moimeme]

I guess I wasn't really paying attention to whether I was actually carving out time to maintain my other friendships. I didn't need to, really. We all lived fairly close and it was real easy to just go out and shop or something together so it was no big deal to do it - but we often spent time with my husband, too, because everyone liked him and we all had a good time together.

[meanon]

I never used to pay attention either, now I have to re-arrange four people's lives to get any time to myself

[SnowWhite]

I usually don't like it when my boyfriends become very close to my friends. Although I don't mind if we are all out together at a party or just hanging out for dinner. This isn't a jealousy thing as much as after I have broken up with the person I feel its awkward to have my ex hang out with my close friends.
Case in point I was breaking up with a guy who had become close with one of my friends he constantly called her to ask about me and tell her how miserable he was, then I had to listen to all the bs he had told her about me.

I think each person should have a seperate independent life even while the relationship is going on.

[havNfun]

wow. Someone said above that they think there may be some cultural differences etc.. and I suspect this too. But, I also thing there are some age, and maturity differences as well.

I just here all this worry from the females posting about their indipendence being taken away.

A lot of you seem to have this big defense put up - some of you don't even have a problem or boyfriend currently yet you are all geared up to go into a relationship fighting for this goal you have to remain independent.


Maybe it is just my culture, or upbringing, or experience or whatever,
but this seems sooooo advisarial and petty to me.

If you meet a guy who's awesome for you, shouldn't this issue not be relevant,
and won't you probably want him around you as much as possible?

Please also consider, ladies, that you might actually meet a great guy who would
maybe add a lot to your life, and if you approach a relationship with him
with this personal quest to assert what you think is your independance - because
some unhappy friend or something sold you a bad attitude about men,
the good guy you meet is going to run or become unpleasant because he has
this seemingly reluctant and selfish person on his hands (from his perspective) because
he hadn't provoked.

I guess I'm just trying to say that these posts are so negative -= and anti-****ing-man,
Why? it is not attractive