separated but won't get a divorce!

BettyBoo · 10th July 2004, 6:55 AM

Hi I have been going out with my boyfrined for a year and a half. I am divorced and my boyfriend is separated four years. Last year I told him I was unsure if I could continue our relationship unless he got divorced.. He said he would act on that however I have found out he has done nothing.

I told him clearly that we could have no future if he does not sort out his previous relationship. I feel very strongly about this as I can't see how we can move forward. He says he will act but his excuses are feeble I think. He has three grown up sons and he says he wanted to wait until the youngest finished college. His youngest is 19 years old. He say his wife will make it very difficult for his son. This sounds hollow to me as I really think at 19 and his parents have been separated for four years that a divorce would not make any real difference but just acknowledge what is.

Has any one else been in this position.? My boyfriend is a wonderful man and we have a great relationship. I would hate to lose it but.............................

Any advice /comments are welcome

Mr Spock · 10th July 2004, 7:19 AM

It may not be that he doesn't want to commit-he may just simply be too lazy to get a divorce!! What he's doing right now works for him-why are you in such a rush to have him free for marriage? I doubt there is any chance of him reuniting with his wife-if he's comfortable and he loves you, why push him?

Goldmund2004 · 10th July 2004, 2:59 PM

Your first mistake is getting involved with a married man in the first place. There isn't a single story of infidelity that doesn't lead to tragedy for at least one if not all of the people involved, which may or may not include his children. Don't be fooled--there is no way out of the eventual state of sadness that is coming someone's way in all this. If anyone has a story that contradicts what I have just conjectured, I'd love to hear it because I am compiling stories and research on the subject.

BettyBoo · 11th July 2004, 9:38 AM

Thanks for your replies. However I think to define the relationship in terms of infidelity is a little off. Firstly he and his wife have been living apart for years before I met him. There relationship is over.

I would not get involved with a man who is married and living with his wife as a married couple. I do agree that the outcome is always hurt for everyone involved in such situations.

You may be right about my relationship but somehow I think that measuring stick is little too simplistic. Life is never black and white or is it? What is your research coming up with?

BettyBoo · 12th July 2004, 1:52 PM

Spock,

I don't think I am pushing him really just stating my own needs and honouring them. I really don't want to be getting seriously involved with a man I cannot have choices with i.e to get married, live with etc. It's not that I want to marry him straight away I want to feel we can if we choose.

I suppose also I don't want to end up in a situation where I am going to get really hurt by down the line him saying he has no intention of divorcing her. I think it is better to have it out now. We have been together the last year and a half and I think it's maybe make your mind up time.

I wont move in with him as long as he is legally married and right now I am ready to settle down.

I agee with what you say about him been lazy. He is very committed to me in every way but after reading some of the posts on this site I am getting the picture that men like him would happily stay married and have a girlfriend too or wait for their wives to divorce them.

Sometimes I really wonder about men.......why can't they get off their ass and sort themselves out first!

Apologies to male readers maybe I am just having a 'bad man' day

Olivia_19742004 · 12th July 2004, 1:56 PM

Quote:

He say his wife will make it very difficult for his son.

Make it difficult how? Does he make payments to his wife? Any prearranged monetary agreements?

BettyBoo · 12th July 2004, 2:01 PM

What I meant by that is that his wife is emotionally not the healthiest. She tends to drag her children into everything and want them to take sides. That is how she will make it difficult. He is a good father and fulfills his obligations financially and otherwise.

She has a history of not being the most emotionally stable and tends to manipulate, bully and balckmail her family emotionally.

SoleMate · 12th July 2004, 11:12 PM

Quote:

I don't think I am pushing him really just stating my own needs and honouring them. I really don't want to be getting seriously involved with a man I cannot have choices with i.e to get married, live with etc. It's not that I want to marry him straight away I want to feel we can if we choose.

I suppose also I don't want to end up in a situation where I am going to get really hurt by down the line him saying he has no intention of divorcing her. I think it is better to have it out now. We have been together the last year and a half and I think it's maybe make your mind up time.

BettyBoo, your words and thoughts are so clear. Your reasoning makes a LOT of sense to me. Whereas his reasons NOT to divorce don't appear to hold water. So the question becomes...if he continues to resist the actual divorce, are you ready to vote with your feet? If I were you, I am 97% sure that I would. You're ready to "settle down", and yet he has stalled.

Quote:

Last year I told him I was unsure if I could continue our relationship unless he got divorced.. He said he would act on that however I have found out he has done nothing.

If you let him get away with this, you're "training" him to believe that your words can be disregarded. A few more years of this kind of slow torture and you may be around the bend emotionally. You say you want a man you can have choices with, but look at this! He is taking your choices away and not living up to his word.

If he's a real man, and he wants to keep you, then he CAN get a divorce. Any other line of reasoning is just feeble.

BettyBoo · 13th July 2004, 5:25 AM

Thanks solemate,

I have decided a time frame for myself and if he has not made efforts to sort out his situation I do intend to walk.

I know this is a hell of a lot easier to say than to do but I do think that if he dosen't want to put closure on his previous relationship then something is amiss.

I do not intend to 'nag' him or keep checking in on him as to what stage the whole divorce may be at. I feel I have made myself clear and if by November he has still done nothing. I am walking.

I think women can give other women on this board great encouragment to do what is best for them and not to allow themselves be treated like second best.

I know if I do walk I will be relying on this site to vent and get support.