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Taking things slow


Lustymama

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Hello,

 

I'm in a great relationship with a great guy. Things are going really well, except, I have a few issues.

 

I'm trying not to analyze the relationship too much, and just trying to enjoy it. But, here's a rundown on what's going on.

 

The fellow I'm dating wants to take things slowly. I'm okay with that, but, I'm not familiar with the process. We both have been burned, so, this is understandable. What he doesn't know, is that most of my past relationships were rushed. Of course they didn't work out. But, I'm used to guys being aggressive, telling me they love me after a month, etc.

 

I feel lost in a way, because this guy isn't like that. He doesn't "tell" me how he's feeling, maybe occasionally he will tell me he misses me, etc. But, he also purposefully puts distance between us, so, we both have a chance to miss each other. I realize that this is healthy, but I can't help but feel that maybe he doesn't feel the same way about me because he doesn't express it. He also doesn't call me that often, and I find myself always making the first move, or taking the initiative. I feel like he's lacking effort.

 

I almost feel guarded now, because I would like to fall in love again, although I'm not with him just yet, I almost feel like I don't want to let myself feel anything for fear of getting hurt if he's not reciprocating the feeling.

 

I don't know. Am I being an idiot?? Should I just stop worrying, will he maybe open up when he's more ready to? What do you suggest??

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Olivia_19742004

It really seems like you are at two different stages in a relationship and your "taking it slow" and his "taking it slow" aren't similar. Sounds like to me you need a more defined answer as to what he means by "taking it slow". Maybe he's not ready at all to be in a relationship and by the sound of it you are. I'd just get some clarification as to what exactly he's expecting and looking for so you know how you're supposed to respond or not respond. Sounds like you're just floating out there with no idea how to to act or when to act.

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This is going to sound terribly "old-fashioned" considering the fast pace in which people plunge into relationships these days. But I can say it has absolutely worked for me, and because of it, I've never had any sense of great loss, disappointment or "morning after regrets" when a dating situation didn't progress in the direction we had both initially hoped.

 

HOLD A LITTLE SOMETHING BACK FOR YOURSELF.

 

Whether it be your free time, or sexual intimacy, don't be so eager to give ALL of yourself away; right away. Continue to live your life and enjoy your hobbies and other friends just as you did BEFORE meeting this man. Decide for yourself what your own relationship expectations are and define your personal boundaries.

 

For example: I will not have sex with a man (no matter how irresistible he is), unless we have made the MUTUAL decision that our relationship is exclusive and monogamous. If having sex (with yet another woman) isn't special to him, than it won't mean anything to me. If someone just wants to "date"…while leaving their options open…then I won't commit to anything other than that. I'll spend time with him, and make a serious effort to get to know him, but I won't sacrifice any more of my time (or myself) than I'm willing to invest. If things don't pan out…than I haven't really lost anything that I wasn't prepared lose. I can walk away HAPPY for time I got to spend getting to know this person, rather than considering it a waste of my time and effort.

 

I don't know. It's strange…but it seems the men I've met and befriended in my life (even those self-proclaimed incurable bachelors) were willing to go the extra mile when I drew my line in the sand and refused to cross. It's almost as if they want you more. Go figure??...I'll be darned if I can figure the whole thing it out, but for whatever reason, it absolute works! :confused:

 

I almost feel guarded now, because I would like to fall in love again, although I'm not with him just yet, I almost feel like I don't want to let myself feel anything for fear of getting hurt if he's not reciprocating the feeling.

 

Good! STAY guarded…and again, it's absolutely OKAY to hold back a little something for yourself. If he doesn't come around and reciprocate, than you will be able to move on without having lost anything you weren't willing to give away. And remember…this is not the ONLY guy in the world, and this is certainly not your last opportunity at finding "love." :love:

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Hello,

 

Ive recently started dating someone whom I met a couple of years ago. I really liked him when I first met him but this time it's been hard for me to feel anything for him. I'm only now beginning to have feelings for him. Last time we met we were both just having our fun and hooked up for one night so when we came across each other again I was wondering if that's all he wanted again. Turns out he wants more this time and it scares me a bit.

 

My story is I split with my fiance just over 5 years ago and have had numerous relationships where Ive always ended up wanting more than them and I ended up getting hurt. Now Im 30, I know what I want from a man and Im determined to get it this time. I want to get it right next time. Anyway, this past beau and I are taking it very, very slow and it couldn't be better. It doesn't bother me if I don't see or hear from him in a few days.

 

It scares me a bit to think that there may soon be someone in my life full time as Im so used to being on my own now. I know once I start spending more time with him I'll get used to it. He's in the same boat as me and feels the same. I definately see him in my future. Im just going to let it happen as it does.

 

If your feeling like you always have to be the one to initiate contact etc than maybe you do have to ask him exactly how slow he wants to take it. If he's been burned before as you have than it does make it a little harder to give your all to someone. Im wondering how long ago he was burned and if he's dealt with it all and moved on from it.

 

Well, good luck with your potential partner and don't worry too much. Do your own thing and just let it happen.

Cheers!! :bunny:

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Your story is 100% identical to what I am going through. Almost makes me wonder if we are dating the same guy! I keep over analyzing everything as well b/c I like this guy so much and am so afraid of screwing up and losing him. Everything is great when we are together but when I walk out the door I never know when or if I will hear from him again. He's taking it really slow. I feel your pain and frustrations. I have never been in this kind of relationship so I am lost on how it all works but I guess I will be patient and see.

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OK..so this makes 3 of us who are in pretty much the exact same situation...hopefully we all ain't dating the same guy!!!! :eek:

 

I actually posted my story on another message thread....so I"ll just cut and paste it here....:

 

\I've been dating this wonderful guy for about a month and a half now. He's 30, and I'm almost 27. He seems to have a good head on his shoulders...good job...went to a great school...recently bought a house. He's very close to his mom, and the rest of this family in general. Unfortunatly...I believe his dad and his sister died (not sure of the circumstances....too soon to talk about something as personal as that...). He also lives about 1.5hrs from me. We actually met thru Friendster (we have a couple friends in common, which is good). At first...he was very pursuent...really wanted to meet up with me, after emailing a couple weeks. I was very attracted to his picture, and impressed w/ his profile...but was kinda hesitant to meeting up. I finally agreed to, but told him it was going to be a casual meeting for drinks, and that I'd be bringing a couple friends along (what if he was a psycho?!).

Fortunately..he wasn't psycho, just a nice regular guy, and as attractive in person as he was in his pic. My friends liked him a lot, and told me I should continue keeping in touch with him.

 

I did..we met a few times after that...he came down to visit me twice..and I went up to visit him once. We haven't had sex yet...I don't want to, because i'm not ready for it!! He started to go there on our last meeting...but when I gently pushed him away, he asked if it was too soon...and apologized. He was respectful after that, and still wanted to see me the next day. I thought that was a good sign.

 

But...thing is...he's not very good at keeping in touch. At first...he used to initiate the phone-calls/e-mails..but now it seems like I do most of the initiating. I don't know if he's dating other girls...he very well could be.

But....I dont' want to ask!!! I too am not good at dating multiple people, or being with someone who dates multiple people. I"m a one-man kinda girl......cos you're right, its weird to hug and kiss someone, and spend quality times with them.....when they're doing that with other girls too. You feel kinda dirty, and kinda like you're competing with people you don't even know.

 

I know what I want from life....I'm almost 27...and I do want to settle down with a good guy. While I'm not looking to get married right away...I also don't want to waste time with someone who doens't want what I want...because I feel that I'm finally at a place where I"m happy with my life, my career, my friends, family. I don't need meaningless relationships with men anymore....I want a committed relationship with a solid guy. (too much to ask for?) sigh.

 

But....i'm scared to ask him what he wants! its too early.....just a month and a half of dating...not a whole lot of one-on-one time b/c of the distance...and not a whole lot of communicating on phone or email. Well..there's definitely communication.....but not as much as I want.

however...he seems genuinely interested when he sees me....and we do have so many interests in common...that I think it would just be a great match if it actually worked out! It would be so much fun to be with someone who I could share my interests with, and try new and exciting things with. I really do want thsi to work......but I'm scared I'm going to scare him away.

 

AGGGhhh?!! isn't it frustrating? I know it is for me. I don't know much about his past relationships...we're not at the point yet where we can freely talk about that stuff..I mean, its too soon. I haven't talked much about my past relationships either. All we both know is that we have had relationships in the past that haven't worked out...and I think its only appropriate to know this much info about a person this early in a relationship. I know I've definitely been burned before....I don't know if he has or not.

 

Well...I don't even know if what I have with him can be called a 'relationship' or not....we're just hanging out...datiing..whatever.

BUT...i know i'd like more from him....!!

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  • 2 weeks later...

I am in the same exact boat with you, chicasha! i'm seeing this guy who's 27, i'm 22...I met him on friendster, and we are also in a long distance relationship! We've been seeing each other for almost 6 months now, and everything is going so far so good. but i get bouts of insecurity and I don't want to bring them up for fear of losing him...he's totally wonderful, makes me feel special when i visit...

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wow! I guess a lot of of people have met through Friendster, how cool. I think its a good website, because its not exclusively for online dating, and you can meet people through your friends, and if you're unsure about the person, you can get the inside scoop through the friends who are connected to both of you. I think Friendster's a great way to meet people.

 

I"m sure things are fine...and I think bouts of insecurity are normal, as long as you're not constantly insecure.

Do you have a good relationship with him, even if you are not visiting him? as in, do you keep in tough by phone/email, etc?

I think that's important. I don't think long-distance relationships are bad at all. If done correctly, they can be healthy, because the time away from the other person will allow you to pursue your own goals/career without too much distraction :-)

And...then on the weekends, you get to spend your time with a special person.

 

I really hope things work out for you, as for me too. Keep your fingers crossed. I went through a big bout of insecurity last week....i was really kind've worried. I feel that every relationship I've been in hasn't worked out for some reason or other, and I honestly just want to find 'the one', because as much as I enjoy my single life, I would love to be in a lasting relationship with someone special and have a family of my own. Of course...there's no way I can say that to a guy this early in a relationship, or else that will scare him away!!!! I just have to hope and pray that he wants the same thing as me.............!!!!!

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I think our relationship is good in the most basic sense of the word...specifically that he treats me very well, respects me, and goes out of his way to do special things for me (i.e.- since he's actually from san francisco, and has a contract to work temporarily in Virginia, he put off a trip home to see me perform a solo in my jazz band).

 

However, the best word to describe the relationship is that it's tentative...we've never really had conversations about how we feel about each other or anything like that...he doesn't say "i miss you" (even though i've told him I miss him...but i've stopped because he never says "I miss you" back)...I'm seriously missing that element in the relationship. We don't talk much on the phone (15 minutes, tops...and usually about superficial topics like what happened at work), and we chat from time to time online. But i feel like he isn't comfortable letting me know how he feels. His actions do seem to speak louder than his lack of words, and that's what's been keeping me afloat, the way he treats me when we're together. I guess time will help him feel more comfortable with me. I can't exactly ask him "how do you feel about me?" cuz that would just put him on the spot and he'd probably say things that he thinks I would want to hear, rather than tell me how he really feels...I hope my patience pays off.

 

The only problem I have with the friendster thing is that he hasn't changed his profile since I've met him...his "who I want to meet" section is basically a call out to single women in the area...and he logs on to friendster every day! That, and he has a new chick in his friendster list every week....hmmm.....

 

and that's why i'm so insecure...sure, i could bring on "the talk", but again, i'm terrified of having him think I want a super serious relationship when in reality i want a monogomous one. Commitment at the most basic sense of the word.

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Wow..you wrote exactly what I've been thinking about too. Its kind of uncanny.

Yes...same here.....i haven't beeng seeing my guy for too long...only a couple months. So, its definitly too early to ask...but I guess I kind of did in an email i wrote to him. I told him how i felt, (just said i thought he was a really awesome person, and i'd like to get to know him more, and i was def attracted to him...but i didn't know how he felt about me).

He called me a few days after that email.....apologizing for not replying back sooner. We talked as usual, and he opened up a little bit more about his family...but still didn't tell me how he felt.

I didn' twant to push it........but i still dont' have an answer.

Its VERY tentative.....!

 

And....you're right...I know he logs on to friendster every day, and his profile hasn't change yet either. jeez..i thought i was the only one who did that...i'm glad there are others who do that too :-)

 

But...at least i can tell you that maybe its not a big deal....cos guys don't pay attention to the same level as detail as girls do.

However....trust me, I know its frustrating, I'm in almost the exact same situation as you, just a few months behind you.

Sooo...I know exactly how you feel.

I hope you does feel comfortable enough with you to tell you how he feels. Some guys are scared to do that, even if their girlfriends tell them continuously that they love them/miss them. Not sure why...maybe they are just not used to saying those phrases to anyone, and they are trying to figure out the best time to say it..?

 

not sure....but regardless, i defintiely understand your situation!

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