[sweet lou]

My wife left 2 months ago. It is 90% my fault I was verbally abusive and not giving anything to our marriage. We have 3 young girls together. I have tried all the crying and begging and of course it dose not work. For the last 2 weeks I have left her alone and given her her space but now I dont know what to do? I am afraid of being nice I am afraid to buy her gifts for her new place and bascially I am afraid to talk to her. She shows no emotions and if I do she hangs up the phone because it makes her feel bad that I am crying. She makes comments like "you will find someone before me " and "you have plenty of stuff to move out of the house and into a apartment" even though we agreed I would keep the house for now. I dont know what she means when she says these things and it scares me. We go to counsling together but if she has something else come up with her friends she will cancell the meeting. I am getting help on my controlling problems and I am dedecitated to make myself a better person but I have no idea what to do about my wife? I love her so much and I think she still loves me but she shows me no compasion she has a "whatever attitude" towards me. We promised in front of the counsler we would go out once a week and when I tried to set a time with her she said she was not ready to do it yet. Why?? Why would she agree to it?? She goes out drinking all the time with her friends. She askes me to come over and help her install certian things at her new place. But wont let me know if this marriage is worth saving. I seem to be trying to hard and she could care less. I have seen her cry on ocassion and I know she is confused but I dont know about what. This is my problem I want to know all the answers, but all I really would like to know is if she is willing to fight for this marriage. I would like to here from any females who may of gone through a seperation like this before

[moimeme]

Think of love as a living entity. Every time you verbally abuse someone, you take a baseball bat and slam a direct hit on love. Nothing living can withstand multiple, continuous blows. A person can try her hardest to keep love alive under those conditions, but successive beatings finally kill it dead.

It is entirely possible that your behaviour has caused you to kill the love she had for you. You should have gotten help long, long ago. Too many people wait until it's far too late to smarten up.

[milla]

Originally posted by moimeme
Think of love as a living entity. Every time you verbally abuse someone, you take a baseball bat and slam a direct hit on love. Nothing living can withstand multiple, continuous blows. A person can try her hardest to keep love alive under those conditions, but successive beatings finally kill it dead.

It is entirely possible that your behaviour has caused you to kill the love she had for you. You should have gotten help long, long ago. Too many people wait until it's far too late to smarten up.

That is excellent advice. You know what, it may be too late. But if you feel that you can make the changes necessary and you want to fight for your marriage and be the best man and husband that you can be... if you are really honest about wanting to be that and you want the marriage back so you can right all the wrong, then I can't tell you not to persevere and hopefully for you, your wife will see that you are a different person and you love her and fought for her, and she will come back. But it might be too late, I don't know if she has closed the door or not. What I've been learning is that separation and divorce is along and confusing and emotionally draining and stressful time. She could go either way. What you have in favour of remaining together against all odds, is your three children. That, to me would be a reason to come back if you had honestly changed. But I can't speak for your wife. Hang in there.

[TreeHugger]

It sounds as if you are doing all that you can to make changes that will make a difference in your relationship. But it may not be enough.

I am currently in a very similar place in my marriage of 6 years. I have attempted to keep our marriage alive by pretending my husbands verbal abuse (along w/ other behaviors...) did not bother me, joking with him about his degrading comments (w/ humor nothing hurts, right? ), then by confronting him and demanding to get into counseling.

We have been in counseling for about six months. However, there is this huge emotional debt caused by the abuse that will always exist. The emotional pain, sadness, confusion, anger, loneliness, bitterness, hopelessness, isolation, etc... has become more prevalent than the love, trust and connectedness that once existed in our marriage.

Finally I have decided that I am completely done with our relationship.
I love him dearly and remain connected to him, but I need to protect myself.

For me, it feels as if the verbal abuse has been spiritually damaging...and I can't ever trust my husband with that sacred place again. I trusted that he would be my protector and hold me sacred...

Life is full of lessons, and sometimes they are more painful than other times.
I hold hope that in my next relationship I will remember this lesson, and not have to repeat it...I am also hopeful that my husband will learn from it as well and not subject another human to such anguish.

It seems that emotional and verbal abuse are life long lasting scars that time and self nurturing can heal.

Just my experience...Good luck with yours...

[sweet lou]

thanks tree. Did your husband try to change through counsling or did things with him remain the same??

I divorced my husband three weeks ago. His verbal abuse consisted of constant put-downs. For him to feel in control of our relationship he felt the need to crush my self esteem and say and do things that hurt me. Then he'd laugh and say he was joking. He was very egotistical and self absorbed. I couldn't wait to get out of the marriage and I haven't looked back since.

Instead of wallowing in the agony of divorce I've been dieting, eating right and keeping busy doing things that are good for me. He tore me down so much I was a basket case there for a while - the day of my divorce was the happiest day of my life - I was free of that arrogant ass.

Realize how cruel you are being when you are verbally abusive - get professional help. No one should ever try to mentally, physically or verbally control someone - it's a sign of weakness and insecurity. Find out what your problem is - leave her alone and let her heal her wounds.

Become a real man and a better person. Maybe then she'll give you another chance.

[TreeHugger]

Sweet Lou he did go to counseling...we both did. I was willing to work through it with him. I was not completely innocent in the tango of chaos our marriage had become.

He said he was committed to working at changing and even attended individual weekly counseling for the past six months. He has been able to make small changes (I mean small changes), but it was not enough. I needed him to take full responsibility for his actions in creating the dysfunction in our relationship. I was sitting in counseling taking responsibility for my part, I would attempt to talk with him about "my part" of it...and he would have little to no response. It was very frustrating. It seemed as if he had a fear of owning his part of the abuse (like maybe if he apologized he might shed a tear??? or actually feel the pain I was feeling?? I don't know...).

For me, I needed to look at why I picked a partner that is emotionally unavailable, and insecure. What need did he fill for me???
And I guess I expected him to do the same by looking at his behavior to figure out why he acted as he did...seeking the origin of his abusive behavior.

I wanted him to FULLY UTILIZE the therapy...but it seemed he was just going to please me...not really making any changes. For me, it became time to move on. I had to set my boundaries and not allow myself to be hurt any further.
The hardest part is still loving someone and knowing it will never work. It is a total grieving process, and I think that both people have to work through the "stuff" or they miss the miracle of the life lesson.

Have you thought about anger management groups? To learn about how to express feelings appropriately? Have you found counseling to be helpful? Or perhaps seeking out different types of support groups, family, or friendships?
I found that reading self help books seemed to ease some of my frustration with the entire process. A book I picked up from a used book store is "The Dance of Anger." It really opened my eyes to the depth involved in emotional healing in a relationship.

Anger, power and control are big issues to look at and work through. Tons of self evaluation... I hope you are able to find the strength and courage to walk through it...because there is such a better way of living life (being happy and enjoying every morsel!)

Wow..I did not expect to write so much
...hope its helpful

Peace

[Karlise13]

I wasn't married but I lived with a verbally abusive guy for two years. It really did a number on my self esteem and physical health.

He was fine until he drank. Then he turned into a real bastard.

He'd accuse me of cheating on him, he'd accuse me of lying and flirting with other men (I never did)
He told me I was naive, dumb, embarressing to him and annoying.
He made fun of me for going back to school. He told me I'd never finish it, he laughed when I typed my papers and purposely tried to sabotage my studies (I did end up getting into NYU grad school and getting my masters!)

Why did I stay so long? Who knows. But the comments wear you down to the point where you start to believe them. I guess.

Anyway, something alive and strong in me finally got good and pissed and I walked out one day and never returned.

I guess looking in the mirror, seeing the dark undereye circles from never sleeping, the 15-pound weight loss and falling-out hair made me realize I was losing myself. Both mentally and physically.

It was a long haul back, learning to feel OK with myself again. He did everything in his power to woo me back; wrote poetry, sent boxes of candy, even sent me money, cried.....

The thing is, when a person's self-preservation skills kick in...and they realize YOU are the poison...I just don't know how you can ever win them over.

I don't believe that abusers can change. Sorry, but that's me.

[milla]

Originally posted by TreeHugger
The hardest part is still loving someone and knowing it will never work. It is a total grieving process, and I think that both people have to work through the "stuff" or they miss the miracle of the life lesson.

Wow. The truth slaps you in the face. This is exactly where I am right now in my life. And it really is the hardest thing I have ever had to get my head around.