I am new here...was looking around the net for some help with my situation and I found this site.
I am 40 years old and have been married to the same man since I was 16. It will be 24 years in August. We have three kids almost grown, the youngest being 16. I married him when he was 31, he is 15 years older than me.
I don't want to drag this out, but our life has been rocky from the start. My H has had a hard time holding down a good job over the years, some years our annual income was below 10,000 for all 5 of us. Currently, he is on social security and I work fulltime, so we are getting by okay now. The other thing that has been a drain on our relationship is his temper and anger issues. He reacts to things with violence, breaking things, busting walls, doors, windows, dishes, etc. I will say, though, that he has never hit me, but I honestly don't trust him not to. I have seen him so mad that I think he would be capable of anything. And I know alot of you are asking, what makes him so mad? Well, he would tell you that it is mine and the childrens fault for not listening to him and doing what he says. See, we have gone to a very fundamental church from the start of our marriage, the kind that says the wife is to be in submission to her husband and the kids, also. So, he blames me for not being submissive. Which I will admit, sometimes I am very stubborn and strong willed and it has been hard for me to submit to him from the beginning. But he has had issues with his temper prior to our marriage because I have been told stories by his family of things he has done.
Anyway, over the years, I have lost respect for him and we have grown apart, partly I think due to our age difference. Through it all, I have never been unfaithful to him, until about 3 months ago.
I never thought I would be unfaithful, for one thing because our church teaches it is a sin. But in March I met a man at work who totally captured my heart. I was in a vulnerable position, lonely and tired of being unhappy. So, to cut this short, I want my H to give me a divorce, but I don't know how to go about this without hurting him. I still care for him but I haven't loved him for a long time.
Ok. You try to rationalize and excuse your cheating by saying that your relationship was always rocky and that he has anger issues.
Those may be true - but what did you do in your 24 year marriage to change things?
If you were that unhappy you should have either worked on fixing your issues or got out of the marriage. Plus you knew he had anger issues BEFORE you married him.
Cheating IMO is never the answer and ALWAYS hurts someone.
You say you don't want to hurt your husband. IMO It seems a little too late to be worrying about that.
why do people ALWAYS use the children as the reason for staying together. Don't you know children sense tension/dysfunction? Be honest with yourself and get your life together so you can be better parents (happier might I add) to your children.
I am so disgusted with the lack of morals and values out in the world. I think you are cowards who have no respect for your spouse let alone yourselves. You do not honor vows and so I wonder what moral code you follow. It is disgusting to me that people have to suffer (and they ultimately will as a result of your deception) because you are too spineless to come correct and state your true feelings and intentions. This is madness and I pray that my husband will show me more respect than many of you fail to even consider.
It's a shame we are debating the sanctity of marriage and "preserving it" just so monsters like you out there can subject pain upon unsuspecting faithful spouses/lovers. Posts like this make marriage seem like such a joke and I am so sad for the people you deceive and punish with your flagrant disrespect.
What the hell is going on out there and where has common courtesy gone
Kirkyswife- I have a feeling we're gonna get some hate mail on this but I COMPLETELY AGREE! I try not to be judgemental but I am old fashioned where family and friends are concerned. Cheating does nothing but demean everyone in the situation. It tears families to parts and consumes the souls of all participating parties. What can you get out of a situation like that besides heartache and shame for everyone?
August- If you don't love your husband like you should-get out of his life so he can find someone who will. Cheating and lying will only bring you down. If you want to be with this man- go for it -once your seperation is complete. Staying tog for the kids? How do you think they'd feel if they understood their Mom was cheating on Dad? B/c if you continue it will eventually come to that.
Last edited by Fayebelle; 18th June 2004 at 11:16 AM..
Kirkys and Faye - I'll accept hate mail with you on this one as well. I dare someone to challenge the vows I will take On July 3rd. My parents have been married 38 years, my grandparents 58 - marriage is not to be taken lightly -so I say bring it on. There isn't anything anyone can say that can justify deception.
I agree with you all that the vows of marriage are sacred and should be honored. But when I took those vows at the age of 16 they meant nothing to me, because I was too young and immature to realize the significance and weight of it all. I don't even recall what my marriage vows were. I was just repeating words I was told to repeat to achieve an end.
Sorry but I'm not going to be sympathetic here August - You know the difference between right and wrong and so this is a simple fix to a very complex situation - HONESTY is the key
Okay, I'm gonna stick up for August here.
She didn't cheat and lead him on to think that the marriage is fine. She wants the relationship to end.
So, what you did was not moral by most standards, it would have been best if you got the divorce first. But we are all human.
I understand that you don't want to hurt him by admitting that you cheated. He might find out anyway. But if you really want to end the relationship, why does he need to know? He doesn't. If you don't want to be married any more, give him all of your reasons. The cheating is not the REASON you want the divorce, it is your proof that something was totally wrong in your relationship and you were not getting what you needed. Just don't lead him on, be intimate, or talk about possibly working it out unless you are willing to come clean about your unfaithfulness and start over. That would be unfair.
Singleinthecity, I do dare you. You wait until you are married for 20 years and the person who you said your original vows to has changed into someone you do not recognize. You are in no place to cast stones, if you know what I mean. Successful marriage is part luck, after all.
August- If you don't love your husband like you should-get out of his life so he can find someone who will.
More importantly, August, you should get out to make yourself happy. I am among the faction that does not condone cheating but I can understand - and am on your side 100% - if your solution to this problem would be to get a divorce. You might end up hurting people around you, but (at the very least) this new man in your life can have helped you realize that you are completely unhappy in your marriage and that you are not willing to put yourself through pain and emotional abuse anymore. Even if you don't end up with him, he can have been a catalyst towards a new life, but don't use him as an emotional and sexual outlet for your marriage.
What's more to the point is that you should distance yourself from this new man. You won't know if you really are unhappy in your marriage until you can figure it out for yourself, and if you're still around this guy you're going to feel very strongly about him and very strongly about wanting to cheat. You have to actually want to end the marriage if you're going to go through with it. The problem is that people sometimes see cheating as an easy way to solve their own problems without consciously thinking about the problems it will cause if they get caught (and very few people can keep a secret like that - a lot of spouses end up confessing an affair just to clear their own guilty consciences).
Just promise that you'll take time to think about this long and hard before you do anything. And don't listen too hard to judgy mcjudgerson and the choir on this forum. I never listen to people who try to make me feel badly about a thought that enters my mind. They're human, too. Usually, people who are most vocal about how horrible you are are the biggest hypocrites (in other words, I wouldn't be surprised if one of them is a coke dealer )
Originally posted by mintjulep
They're human, too. Usually, people who are most vocal about how horrible you are are the biggest hypocrites (in other words, I wouldn't be surprised if one of them is a coke dealer )
Obvously YOU aren't judgemental AT ALL
Autumn- I just feel you should wait until you have seperated yourself from your husband before you begin a new relationship. It's the most honest and respectful way to treat everyone involved INCLUDING yourself.
I never claimed not to be. I just wanted to post something on August's side, since the only other judgemental yahoos were being cruel to her.
*edit*Oh, sorry - I didn't realize you were one of the yahoos, or that your near-sighted post was the one I'd quoted. I should pay attention to usernames before I reply. Sorry about that.
Last edited by mintjulep; 18th June 2004 at 12:37 PM..
This is just a topic that people are very passionate about and so they voice their opinions accordingly. I doubt anyone meant to be cruel. It's a sticky situation and I hope everyone wishes August the best with it. Not being in favor of cheating does not make one Anti- August- if they are then they shouldn't take time to respond to a post meant to help her.
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