[Minnie]

HI everyone - Here is my tale . Likely I could use a good editor. But it has been a saga 2 years in the making.

I am executive director of a community project and think of my volunteer role as social and work as well. really more of a network of peers and friends. confused boundaries and not sure how to deal with....I am sure as I am the older person it is completely my fault but i am not sure what happened clearly. Perhaps I am too close to it...

We hired a young teacher, a man for the department and I was the unofficial partner as our areas of interest were similar. He was the paid teacher for the kids and I was the coordinator of the project and grant writer. Seems that the more I have gotten to know this young man the more I seem to be interested in his life. Truly admire and care about him and want the very best. It was a pleasure to see him work and learn from him as I was also able to help him and joyful in seeing him more and more stand on his own feet. Turns out he is now teacher at my child's program and head of dept.. He has him for all 4 yrs in HS and we all live in a small town.

Example of my meddling....Well wouldn't you know that he started dating a young girl I have known for years. and she unloads her weekly concerns to me and worries. and sure enough if I do not start telling him what to do and interjecting commentary about his personal life. It is not like he asked me .I just assumed he appreciated my earthy advice. Good grief.

Finally he hit the ceiling. And took the whole interjection like I was harrassing him. Oh how hurt I was that I think I did this myself. Wrote a missive to the board pres as if I was harrassing him. I was third party in their breakup and completely triangulating his personal life and I felt totally embarrassed . All this pain and all the forgiveness on both sides. Professional teacher meets addictive parent and community activist.

How do you deal with embarrassment when one has been such an #&(&*. so I wrote a long note of apology. Meant well. Silly me and proceeded to keep on doing our good work. Sure enough the more I was forgiven the more I fell in almost a maternal love and again cannot tell the boundaries. I assume all folks are good. . .....but I think I am setting myself up again. Bearing his worries and more and more his concerns as project became a success. I feel like the proud aunt. On one hand I like being there.

But I am not related and I am just a fellow community member and a student's parent. Well meaning but still not his mother.

So there it is . I forgave him his anger and rants. he was attached to me as always needing something and he forgave me my meddling and I grew more attached to him. Project ends.

Now sure enough he is in town as my child's favorite teacher. Teacher needs a parent ally and sure enough if again I just jump in there. I do feel like aunt and will help as needed. ....but I certainly do not wait to be asked....I am not like that . I just jump in and help time and again. Is this normal? Is it just that I am too attached or are we just good friends having lived thru successful projects and appreciate each other. Am I too close to this to see that--- he really wants me to just disappear.? He knows how to ask for help. But I am so used to being the assistant. No longer mentor....just please do not want the relationship and teamwork to end. Embarrassed to change. Is there a dignified way to be less needy?

I guess I think if I back off completely I will have my answer. He will stop needing me and I will miss him terribly. He had become a project for me as much as the project we worked on. Does that make sense? Like a garden you tend then must walk away from. I guess I can answer my own question. A friend gives back and does not use you. Even if it is nice to be needed ---I seem to know more than I should about this teacher. He is my child's favorite teacher at school. We share a history and similar passions and interests and he has taught me a good bit as well.

No signs of worries. He has other parent helpers as well. He seems content, quiet and I seem the usual dropping by aunt in town but it may be a bit much and sometimes I think I need to back off completely. His best friend teaches as well and told me a few months ago....just cut it off cold turkey and stop helping. But I feel a loss and it hurts. I want to help. I love my child and he ladmires his coach and I think I am in some self fulfilling cycle of neediness. I do not want to feel pain or rejection.

Best part of the day is when needs this or that or I can rally the other parents to make something happen for the class. He uses me. In return I find he is like a joyful project and love the drama his stories add to the average day.

How can I gain some dignity back and start being less interested in his personal life. He is my favorite project and I am quite happy to be unofficial aunt. But I know he has his own life and has other older friends and I wish we could evolve to be more equal friends as well. Above all he always treats me kindly and appreciates my help . Just that in the Fall I know he will chose a parent pres for the school year and it will not be me. I feel rejected and rather embarrassed.

Thanks for listening. Maybe it is a common thing. Need to be needed.[color=blue][/color]

[reasontosigh]

How can I gain some dignity back and start being less interested in his personal life

Um, by getting a life of your own, maybe?

Sorry if it sounds a bit harsh. Thing is, in the post I see an awful lot about him (which I do realize is necessary for you to spell out the situation at hand, of course), but virtually nothing about you.

Maybe you just need to do more for yourself. Treat yourself more or something.

It's nice to be needed, sure, but I really don't see that you're getting anything out of it.

[moimeme]

People ought not make others 'projects'. This bespeaks a desire to control.

If you really need to be needed, there are numerous volunteer organizations trying to serve many needy people with limited resources. There are a lot of homeless people who could use help. There are many, many, many places you can find where you can fill your need to be needed without interfering in someone's life.

[CurlyIam]

I certainly see how appealing your role can be: helping a young man, being there etc etc.

Just remember that you are not his aunt, his relative, his anything. More, maybe he'll even appreciate you stepping back. Let him come to you, if he chooses to. And find some other interests, a hobby... it will be easier on you.

[Minnie]

Agree- I think you all are right. I need to focus on what i need and not spend so much time on calendar for everyone else. All will be fine. Just really miss the interaction, comraderie etc....I know I work better when I am with a team and sometimes things change.[color=blue][/color]