My wife is pregnant. I'm 100% sure that the baby is not mine.
When I was a child I had a disease (Pituitary tumour) that affected my pituitary gland. This stopped the production of the hormones when I was an adolecent and caused an interruption of sperm production.
My parents conceled my condition from me. I got married and shortly after, my mother died, and left me a letter with all this information. I consulted with doctors and especialists who told me that it would be imposible for me to ever have a child. I always looked for an oportunity to tell my wife, but was too embarrased... I didn't want her to leave me.
Now she is pregnant and I'm thinking that perhaps it was a good idea not to ever tell her, clearly, she is lying to me too. I don't know who the father of this baby is. She may very well think that it is me. But it is not.
Can I look away and build a family leaving things the way they are? Should I?
Can I look away and build a family leaving things the way they are?
Yes, it is certainly possible. Many men have, both knowingly and unknowingly. Some experts think that as many as 5% of children conceived by married women are not their husbands' children. This (apparently biassed) website claims 10 to 14%: http://www.mesacanada.com/patern01.htm To some men, biology is an essential component of fatherhood. Others may welcome a child to love regardless of who sired it. The child will perceive you as its father as long as that is the role you play. Making the choice to accept the child is not a weakness or a failure - in many ways, it could be seen as a triumph of love. However, I would not recommend this path unless you can make things right between you and your wife on the double.
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Should I?
Your marriage seems scarred by deception and suspicion: you withheld knowledge of your infertility, and your wife has (possibly) cheated. I suggest that you try the approach of radical honesty with her, so you both can start (re)building a real relationship.
Last point: Are you POSITIVE the child is not yours? It would not be the first time a supposedly infertile man had been surprised with the news that he is to be a father - legitimately. If you have not had a recent sperm count (as in last 3 months), I would not assume that the child is not yours. Only a DNA test can make things certain. If it is REALLY important to you, your wife may agree to undergo amniocentesis with the goal of collecting material for a DNA comparison. Or wait until after the birth.
If you are considering repudiating the child if it is not biologically yours, then please consult an attorney as soon as possible. Delay in repudiation could damage your chances of success.
__________________ Heavily medicated for your safety.
Originally posted by ladyangel
Of course every child deserves a father. But if this guy isn't the father, then perhaps the REAL dad needs to step up to the bat, eh?
Motherhood is a responsibility, but fatherhood is a choice. Being a REAL dad isn't about paternity tests, trust me.
I think the punishment that would come from the "real" dad stepping up to bat would be severe for the child.
Yes, but then you have a whole family living under a lie. What would happen when the kid gets older and doesn't have any characteristic traits as his dad? Or is a different color than both of the "parents". There would be some serious questions there.
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I know you. You know you. And I know you know that I know you.
Originally posted by SoleMate
Last point: Are you POSITIVE the child is not yours? It would not be the first time a supposedly infertile man had been surprised with the news that he is to be a father - legitimately. If you have not had a recent sperm count (as in last 3 months), I would not assume that the child is not yours. Only a DNA test can make things certain. If it is REALLY important to you, your wife may agree to undergo amniocentesis with the goal of collecting material for a DNA comparison. Or wait until after the birth.
i personally wouldn't go through the trouble of having an amniocentesis. they carry the risk of miscarriage. if the baby is yours, it could be your only chance to have a biological child and so why would you want to risk it? if she miscarried after the amnio, you would always wonder if that was what did it. and even if the baby isn't your child, it doesn't deserve to have its life treated any more casually. dyermaker is right, this baby needs a father regardless of your biological claim to it. if you love your wife and you want a child, then even if it isn't biologically yours, maybe it's a blessing.
Originally posted by Shasta
Yes, but then you have a whole family living under a lie.
What's the lie? A father is the male figure who takes care of you and your mother.
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What would happen when the kid gets older and doesn't have any characteristic traits as his dad?
Or is a different color than both of the "parents". There would be some serious questions there.
I didn't object to those questions being answered. I do, however, object to someone not taking care of a child because it's not biologically theirs.
You have until the child is born to figure out if your marriage can work. Whether the child is yours makes NO difference. You're either man enough to be the kid's father, or you're not. The child doesn't deserve an "in-between" father.
I totally agree to that. But shouldn't the mother think of that before? Of course, she might have thought she was playing a safe game, as she was married, so it could have just as well be her husband's baby she thought she was carrying.
What about the marriage? What about the trust? I mean fatherhood is just great, but a man is to have a great realtionship first in order to be able to give the baby a proper environment, a family. How can that be?
How can you keep living with a woman who not only cheated on you but has the baby of another man? How do you stop yourself from rejecting them both? This isn't like they said: well, we can't have a baby, we'll have an artificial insemination, and I'll love you and the baby both, even though he's not my flesh and blood!
I think... he can choose to be her baby's father, but... why? The only reason I see would be love, and she so definetely through that out the window...
The only point I was making was that the biological paternity of this child does not matter.
If he wants to stay with his wife, he should raise the child as his own. If he can't get over (alleged) infidelity, he should leave his wife and not be a part of the child's life at all.
That's what I was saying about an "in-between" father. The child's better off with no father at all.
Didn't you have treatment for your tumor? How did your parents conceal that from you? This is all so interesting. Did you have any other symptoms?
I would encourage you to see a physician, and make sure, again, that you are infertile, before you accuse your wife. Unless there are other things going on that make you suspect that your wife is having an affair.
My parents only hide the fact that was infertile. I was 13yo when I had severe treatment and surgery. I clearly remember because I missed high school for a year, and then we moved to LA. I don't know why my mother (cancer victim herself) didn't have the courage to tell me the truth. My medical records resurfaced again at the department (LAPD) when I strated and after graduation, when I joined the force. The records however DO NOT state or describe my infertility.
I have seen several doctors and they generally agree that certain cancers, particularly testicular cancer, impair sperm production, often severely. The major cancer treatments impair both egg and sperm cells. The closer radiation treatments are to reproductive organs, the higher the risk for infertility. The say that sometimes sperm production may eventually recover, usually after 5 years...but it's been almost 20.
That's how I know that this baby is not mine. A co-worker, a cop with the Santa Monica Dep., nice jewish guy, really tall.. well, he joined the same gym as Monica (my wife)... I know they've been hanging out together, they prepared for the Marathon last year...
I'm so embarrased to ask, either one of them... Anyway, thanks for every opinion.
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My wife is pregnant. I'm 100% sure that the baby is not mine.
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