[kechara]

I just got done reading a bunch of messages from everyone and the overwhelming feelings are sadness and pain. Sure, we do it to ourselves, but we buy in to all that they tell us.

Maybe if they could see all of this pain, and how many of us there are, they would start to realize their own part in these messes. Maybe they would stop making promises and playing with all of our hearts...

As always, best of luck to all of us.

[Debster]

Nice thought but I doubt it would work.

If they don't even care about their wives feelings - someone they vowed to love and protect till death do they part - why would you think they would care about the OW's feelings?

I doubt 90% of the MM lose one night sleep about what they are doing. I bet though that 90% of the OW lose many nights sleep and shed many tears over what they are doing.

So how to stop it?

Well, the OW need to:
- Stop being the OW
- Stop buying their MM bulls*it
- Regain your self-esteem that you deserve your OWN man
- Realize that you are getting the raw end of the deal
- Realize that you are setting up some wicked relationship karma
- Find your own man who can be there for you 100% and give you 100% in return.
- Stop playing the victim of 'emotions', 'love', 'things just happen' song
- Realize that love IS about sharing but it is NOT about sharing a man!!

Everyone deserves this. All you need to do is tell yourself YOU deserve this... and of course, act on it.

[kiababy]

I wish it were that simple. Remember last week, when I absolutely HATED him? Guess what? He called me and before I got a chance to say anything or even tell him I was pissed - he told me he had had a terrible day when he left me that message and wanted to see me. I felt awful. He could tell that I was upset because we had never had a harsh word between us before then, and I let him know how I felt. Then HE felt awful. I did not, however tell him I had been ready to break up with him, just that I was 'bothered' by his bahaviour. Well, he's called me back 6 times since that conversation - apologizing...telling me he had no idea that I even cared what he did, he was under the impression he was just another F*** to me.

He has said so much stuff in those 6 phone calls my head is spinning....how I have the 'biggest part' of his heart....how he'll never do anything like that again....I'm 'IT' for him.....he's 'not going anywhere, EVER'...we need to go away on vacation, just the two of us......and the piece de resistance: that his 'heart still flutters everytime' he sees me ......and on and on and on. This is not a sophisticated guy, he's not mature or experienced....he's a 26-year old contractor....who makes me feel like the sexiest most beautiful woman that ever lived.

He's got my head so turned around that it isn't until he hangs up the phone that I remember he has a WIFE. I swear to you the way he talks to me I completely forget. In the entire 11 years I knew - or was married to my husband, I never ever felt as wanted as I do by him.

[Shasta]

You know, when he starts telling you about that stuff, ask him why he is still married then. Ask him why he is sweet talking you when he has a wife at home. I would be a bitch....but that is just me.

I've talked to my MM about some of the insights I've come across in this forum, and he's always all ears, even asks me for the url because he's interested in talking to others in both our positions so he doesn't feel so alone. But...I avoid giving it to him! I want to be able to come in and air our dirty laundry freely! I don't want to have to worry about him reading my vents and getting embarrassed/pissed/hurt, etc.

I think that what someone else said about MM not being the ones home alone, obsessing over their OW is right on target for the reason MM don't post here. They've got families to keep them busy and entertained. They don't have time to read hours and hours worth of posted threads like we do. They aren't up at night, worrying (well, not always). We are.

[kechara]

As harsh as it sounds, who needs a relationship forum when you have a wife at home who you can get whatever comfort you need from at any time?

Youch!

I'm really starting to come around and realize that maybe he wasn't always (regardless of the very obviously slept in recliner) going home to an empty bed. After all, what woman spends every night in 7 months sleeping in a recliner? Talk about a crick in the neck!

[kiababy]

Shasta - because he loves his wife. He has never pretended that he didn't. He also has no plans to leave her, we've had that conversation too - I never bring up either topic, he just talks and talks and talks...... And please, don't anyone ask me again why I'm still with him, I've answered that one 1,000 times.

Same Situation, that was my comment: about there not being any MM posting because they're not up nights tossing and turning worrying about us. Well, maybe mine does occasionally....when he calls me at 3:00 a.m. drunk!!!!

[Mr Spock]

It's because we ALLOW them to have access to our bodies and hearts on the side while they get to continue relationships with better CHOSEN women at home. It's a complete and total farce, and ANYONE who says it's cruel to tell the wife is kidding themselves.


Debster speaks of empowerment to OW, stop beign the patsy!! People on here say "don't tell the wife, that's CRUEL" what's crueler, to allow the man she pleged to love to **** around on her and possibly give her an STD? Or to TELL her so at least she can MAKE HER OWN DECISIONS.


I say to all you OW-you want out of the pain? Tell his wife. That will stop it. I wish I had the balls. I may talk big but chances are I'll just end up internalizing my pain like I do with every other bloody thing.

[kiababy]

Telling the wife might stop the affair, but it does not stop the cheating behaviour. My MM's wife was called by one of his former 'girls' months ago. He's still cheating.

Not that I don't daydream about it occasionally, but I don't think I could ever spill the beans to the wife. Not out of spite against him, or maliciousness towards her, or out of guilt or selfishness or a need for honesty; not for any reason, noble or otherwise because what could it possibly serve? How could it possibly better anyone involved? How would it benefit him? How would it benefit her? How would it serve his children? And what would I possibly accomplish for myself, other than to completely sever any trust and goodness that he and I ever had between us?

Hell, I'd be the biggest loser of all!!! I'd be racked with guilt because by my hand, my MM would be embarassed, humiliated in his children's eyes, and fearfully shattered as his life hanged in the balance. His wife would be hurt, embarassed, humiliated, and furious; her identity as a married woman would be devastated. His kids would be hurt, confused, ashamed, and sad; they'd be in upheaval, scarred for life, with a twisted view of their "lying, cheating, no-good" father. And I'd be stuck with the knowledge that I took an entire family's future into my hands and twisted it to an unfixable mess out of pure maliciousness. Not only would I have scarred innocent children, but I'd have tarred and feathered an entire family as news of my MM's infidelity echoed through their circle of family, friends, and community. And not only would everyone know what he did, everyone would know what *I* did as well! I'd be considered a desperate, malicious, adulterous whore. EEGADS! NO THANKS!!! I don't want all of that on my shoulders. I mean, it's bad enough I'm disserving myself by *borrowing* this MM from his family. I don't want to know that I ensured his family's ruin AND caused myself my own public humiliation in the process...

So, yeah, I've thought about it quite a bit. And I'm pretty sure I'm resigned to the idea that I'll NEVER tell his wife. But, IF the affair does ever get out...and it will, if it continues on for long enough...I want it to get out because fate says it has to.

Like, maybe he'd start making stupid mistakes and get himself caught. Or maybe she'd FINALLY wake up and realize there's a problem and through her own hard work, she earns the discovery of the affair. Or, better, he finally decides that he can't live his split life anymore, and either ends our affair or ends his bad marriage. However it works out, they'd be carrying the responsibility of their own situation, and regardless of how I end up--involved or uninvolved or living in Bermuda---at the very least I'd be able to take comfort in the fact that I never once acted out of maliciousness and in the end am left holding as little responsibility as possible so that no matter what I'll continue being able to sleep at night.

BUT again I've daydreamed about telling her! I've thought that if he ever did something wrong to me and the affair ended badly, she'd recieve an anonymous tip with a Xeroxed copy of the one of the cards he's given me (my name ommitted) so that she'd at the least have a heads up that her husband has been engaging in extramarital activities. Then at that point, it'd be completely up to her to finally acknowledge their problems or to continue living in denial, and, again, I could move on knowing that despite my misdeeds, I never acted out of maliciousness and I gave a fellow woman the knowledge in order to make her own decisions.

What about everyone else? Would you/Have you considered telling the wife about the affair? And how would you do it? And what's the worst way you've fantasized about doing it? Maybe sharing these types of thoughts will help someone spare a wife where they need to, or roast a husband when he deserves it...