My wife and I have been married eight years. After the first two years I realized it wasn't going to work and I told her we needed to get a divorce. She became very upset, asked me to give her another chance and we both planned to go to counselling; I fooled myself into believing I was happy. Three years after this my wife was diagnosed with cancer.
She can no longer work and receives disability from Social Security. I work full time and her health care is taken care of by my insurance. She still has cancer but after three years of treatment it is inactive. I am not happy being married to her; among other things I would like to have children but she cannot have them.
I love her as a friend but not as a wife. I don't plan on abandoning her while she is ill, but at the same time her doctor tells her she won't get any worse- or any better. He says she could stay on her current treatment and be fine for the next ten or fifteen years. I am thirty-eight years old now, and while I am very healthy and handsome I don't look forward to the prospect of being between forty-eight and fifty-three and trying to get remarried and have kids at that age.
Has anyone been in a position similar to this or know anyone that has? I don't have any ill feelings towards my wife, I would be perfectly happy if she were all better and we could just go our own separate ways, but as it is her health makes things very problematic. Any advice or insights on the matter would be appreciated.
You fooled yourself into believing you were happy and didn't get out when you had the chance. Now that your wife has cancer you want to get out? Her treatment is getting paid by your benefits. If you divorce her, wouldn't she lose coverage?
While it's very man of you to not leave her while she's ill, it's very low and selfish of yourself to want out now. Have you ever thought of adoption? This way you would be getting what you want out of life, ( Children before you're too old ), and at the same time, you would be bringing some happiness into your wife's life, or lack thereof.
You said yourself that she's a good friend and you love her for that and that you don't have any ill feelings. You fell in love with her for some reason, try adoption or even a foreign exchange student. Bring something positive into your lifes and see if that spark comes back.
Instead of looking for a way out, consider improving your situation, that will make you the bigger person and you might be surprised by what life brings you.
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"The conscience water saw it's maker, and blushed" - Water to Wine......
I understand that you can't force feelings. Have you exhaused all options for yourselves? Continued counseling and perhaps a trial separation? Can you keep her on your insurance even after a separation? If she is on SS, and not working, and you divorce, all of her health care should be covered under the disability act--but check with social security for all the details and particulars first! If you divorce her now you will likely have to pay some kind of alimoney or support. Are you willing to do that?
She deserves to be happy too and to have a man who will love her. Talk with her, with a counselor, and with an attorney about reconciling, separating, and divorce. Some people may see you as a heel because of her cancer, but if you didn't love her before, then no disease is going to inspire love.
I'm going through something a little similar. I'm in the middle of a weird divorce. We are staying in the same house because of our finances. We are good friends and I don't see us ever being entirely out of each others lives, no matter what. Hubby hasn't worked in a long time because of his disability, although we are trying to get a business going that will allow him to get off of disability and afford to live independently. I'm staying because without the little bit from SS I would lose everything too. I'm looking for a better paying job now too so that I will be able to afford the place once he is gone. The biggest difference is that neither one of us is looking for anyone else. We are older than you and children are not in the picture. That has a huge impact on your decisions.
Talk to some professionals and have a counselor help you talk with your wife and listen to your wife. I'm glad her cancer is in remission and I hope that eventually it will be gone. Is there a chance that she will be able to return to work? Does she have any other interests outside the house? That is important for her own emotional health.
I have to reply to this. My wife and I were in a car accident. It was very serious and she was left with a damaged pelvis that prevents her from exercising. She put on a lot of weight and lost her self-confidence. This was 7 years ago. we are still married. after the accident i found her less attractive. i knew this but i couldn't admit it. i felt that it was wrong for me to leave her just because she was less attractive so i found other things like porn to stimulate me sexually. well a few months ago i ended up cheating on her. went to a massage therapist that gave me a hand job. i went to therapy and ended up telling my wife. now we are in limbo while the both of us try to figure things out. she is deciding whether she can stay. i am deciding if i want to stay.
but anyways the only thing i can say is that you made the same mistake. you weren't honest about your feelings. us guys have that tendency. and it really messes things up. i don't know what the answer is but i still find it hard to believe that life is about intense sexual feelings. i can't leave my wife just to find someone who is sexually more attractive. (actually she lost most of the weight since then). even if other guys are telling me that yes that is the answer. my counselor asked a good question: "even if i find a more attractive woman, what happens when she turns 50 and starts to sag? do i leave her for a 20 year old?" that just sounds reprehensible. i think the answer is in recognizing our limited definition of attractiveness and then reconditioning ourselves to broaden that definition to include personality. women have such a definition so why can't we?
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