[MsLandon]

Does anyone have advice on how to keep your emotions in check when you are slightly neurotic about the person you are with cheating? What do you do to keep yourself from accusing the other person or making it an issue with the other person?

I'm dating a guy who is very attractive, smart, high moral standards, treats me like a princess...he's great. But occassionally and without even thinking about it I make comments that insinuate that he's had this cheating past, dated all these women and basically been a casanova. It's only happened maybe twice but the last time, he responded in such a sturn way that it became obvious that my comment insulted him or who he was.

And honestly sometime when we haven't talked in a few days I feel just paniced like is he with someone else...just craziness although he really hasn't done anything to cause me to feel that way. The problem is me, I guess. Can you guys let me know what you do to cope?

Thanks.

[lohrewok]

There are several stragagys you can do. One or all may work for you. Also, the more you do this, as with anything the better you will get at it.

1. Whenever you feel your mind starting in with the negative messages, just make yourself STOP. Force yourself to think of something good, positive about you and your relationship.

2. Think about these issues logically, not emotionally. Ask yourself such things as, "Has he ever given me a reason to doubt him?" "Has he ever lied to me?" Take your emotions out of the picture as much as you can. The more you let your imagination run away with possible scenarios, the worse it will get for you.

3. Do good things for yourself, that raise your self-esteem. Work out, see other friends, do fun stuff. Don't put all your "emotional" eggs in one basket. Don't forget about who you are.

4. Talk to him about it. Not in a negative way. Keep the conversation on how you feel, not about what you imagine about him. This can be tricky. I don't mean the old "is she prettier than me?" routine. But talk to him about these issues you are having. He sounds like a good guy. He may be able to help somewhat. But most of the changes will have to come from you. You are young and can change this behavior. In fact you must, because it could get worse and affect your future relationships in a very negative way.

There will always be prettier, smarter, richer, thinner women in the world. If he wanted to be with them he would be. He choose you for a reason. Your worth in life is not based on how you look. Good luck.

[CurlyIam]

Originally posted by MsLandon

And honestly sometime when we haven't talked in a few days I feel just paniced like is he with someone else...just craziness although he really hasn't done anything to cause me to feel that way. The problem is me, I guess. Can you guys let me know what you do to cope?

Thanks.

I say it's a self esteem issue. Maybe you think you aren't attractive enough or not so sure about how pretty you really are. His past, once, twice.... If you knew for sure he was a notorius cheater, maybe, maybe you'd have the right to worry!

But you did go out with him, thus meaning giving him the benefit of the doubt. And it's not "guily" until proven innocent, you know? Any alusion will hurt him and his pride. Maybe even give him ideas

I say do things to make you more sure of yourself - start working out harder or go shopping, or change your hair. Something that gives you strenghts and confidence, but on the long run.

Men like confident, sure of themselves women. I see no good reason why you wouldn't be one!

[MsLandon]

I never really thought about it in terms of esteem. I wonder if it is an esteem issue.

I don't know that I'm worried about the next woman being prettier, or smarter, or in better shape. I've always been told that I'm a very attractive woman and to that end, I think that each woman whether she fits the classically beautiful, unique or drop dead gorgeous beauty category is just unique in their own special away. In fac tI'm turned off by men who only want to be with me because of the exterior and that's what attracted me to my current guy. He constantly told me that he's always been attracted to me, but when we became friends, he learned that I was even more beautiful on the inside and that's what really made him want to get to know me on a level aside from just friendship.


Still I just feel that jealousy twinge sometimes. And when I think about it...it has nothing to do with "beauty" per se, I think it'smore about the "what if's" Ya know. I think it's about not having that control, maybe? Does that make sense? I know that I can't control everything in the universe...but I guess it's like, "what if he changes his mine...and I don't know....and he's seeing someone else..." that type of thing. Goodness. I hope I'm making sense. That little twinge just gets on my nerves but sometimes it seems sooo overpowering. That voice, ya know? It's almost like a worry.


Talk to him about it? I would be mortified if he knew I felt this way. I know it's a sore spot for him because he holds himself to such a high moral standard. He would take it deeply if he knew that I was grapling with this because he would wonder how I really see him...why would I think so little of him, you know..any thoughts?

[Love2share]

I know exactly what you mean. My ex treated me the same way at first. He treated me so good, I just thought it was too good to be true. And I often told him so. Unfortunately, he discovered my insecurity. Instead of making me feel better, he made me feel worse.

When he and I would have arguments, he would go out with other women. Then he would tell me about them, or leave some kind of evidence behind so that I would be sure to find out. Once, he even invited a female over to our apartment while he and I were arguing. I had left in order to get some air. When I returned, the girl was there with him. They weren't doing anything sexual. But they were very cozy on the sofa together. And of course, that took our argument to another level. And my trust in him was worse after that. Ultimately, he stopped treating me like a princess. And the relationship fizzled out.

The key is not to let him know that you are insecure. As long as you are getting the VIP treatment, don't question a thing. If you honestly start to feel negative vibes from him or anything he does, then have a serious talk with him. If you don't feel good about the converstion, then there is a problem. Remember, a womans instinct is very keen. But don't be lead completely by insecurity.

May be you could start a conversation about his past. Open up to him about your past relationships, or someone else that you know and get his perspective. Example:

You to Him: "I have this freind whose boyfriend is cheating on her. Wow! She's really devestated. I want to give her some advice. But I don't know what to tell her. I'd like to know what the guy was thinking, like why he cheated on her. She's such a sweet girl. Have you ever cheated on anyone before? I'm just curious because I'd like to know from a man's perspective. Should I tell my friend to give him another chance? She really loves him."

Hopefully, he will be honest and tell you somethings that would be very helpful for you to know about his character; and if he's being sincere about his intentions with you.

[MsLandon]

tonite I had another bout with this jealousy.


I left a message on my guy's answering machine yesterday and I also sent him an email about our last date. Just telling him that I had a wonderful time and reiterated some things he talked about and I talked about how we felt. It made me feel really vunerable. Well, he didn't return the call today or even he email. I guess I'm hypersensitive. On one hand, I know that it's only been one day...maybe I'm spoiled...but I expected...I don't know. Perhaps I'm impatient.


He's got his own business (getting it off the ground) and projects hanging out the wazoo so it's possible that he hasn't read my email yet...or simply hasn't had an opportunity to respond...but it makes me feel that little jealous twinge. Goodness I hate that. I hate that I"m so obsessed with small things like, he hasn't called me today, or he didn't respond to my email yet, or has he changed his mind. He has no idea I'm thinking these things or that it even makes a difference whether he respondes one day or another. But I hate the way this whole thing makes me feel or the way it has caused me to react and I'm really at the point that I just cut of all communication with him, simply because I don't like what I feel I've become. I'm never like this. Bizarre.

any thoughts?

[Love2share]

Sounds like you have too much time on your hands. You need to get a hobby, or just find something, or someone else to keep you occupied. Hang out with a few female friends. Just do something to keep you from sitting around thinking about him.

His lack of response clearly means that he occupied. But you shouldn't be worried about what or "who" he's doing. Since you seemed to be more concerned with the sweet little things, he could be taking that for granted, just knowing that you are waiting for him. You are very vulnerable. Keep leaving those email notes, and kind voicemail messages. Whenever he finally does contact you, be relaxed.

Don't ask insecure questions like "why didn't you retrurn my calls." Instead, say something like, "How are you doing? I'm sure you've been extremly busy lately. How's the business? Is there anything I can do for you?"

This will make him feel that you are sincerly concerned. At some point, he will get the emails. And he will realize that he never responded to you. He will feel guilty about it. And he will expect you to be angry about it. But don't be angry. Tell him that you "understand" how busy he is.

[MsLandon]

last night I was feeling like I was just going to cut communication off completely with him because I didn't like what I was turning in to. Then to make things worse...I had a dream that we were both at a work site. Everything was backwards though. Friends I had who had significant others weren't with them, they were with other people. Which I know is not the case in reality. they are deeply in love with their sigs. later I dreamt that my guy was there, and there was some other woman there too, sort of with him, but I could never see them together -- and he was working moving from here to there and I was trying to catch up with him but never could. It seemed like he was avoiding me. Mind you, this is based upon nothing in reality. I have absolutely no reason to believe that he is seeing anyone else. In fact portions our last two conversations were centered around the fact that he isn't. It's the days of no communication thing that causes me to feel that twinge of jealousy - or better yet, causes the insecurity. I'm just not used to it.


I'm not completely sure what to do. do I just cut myself off from him emotionally so that I won't feel this way - I realy hate this feeling? continuing to email him or call him feels weird because I'm not used to calling anyway- unless I'm returning a call - particularly if he hasn't returned the first call. I'd just feel like I'm bugging him. If I were to aske him about it, he'd probably say that I wasn't bugging him at all -- again I know that's all my insecurity.

and the thing is I DO have a full life. got my own business, a full time job and a huge event this weekend. It's just when I'm winding down for the evening and when I have little breaks in my day all of that negative talk and those feeling creep back. Ya know? Help?

[CurlyIam]

This resembles a little to my current rlationship. My bf works crazy hours, he lives far from his work and from me, so he had the perfect excuses not to... you know, do things for me.

We've been talking this week end about the beginning when he'd do exactly what your bf does (only mine kept it like that for quite some time). He told me he sow just what a good time he had and wasn't very sure about us. He realised that should he had called and sow me more often, he would heve gotten involved much quicklier. And he didn't want that. On the other hand he didn't want to let me go either.

What did I do? I played his game. Went along with the sharade. If we would meet and he's email me, I'd respond 2 or three days later. Of course, he'd do the same. The funniest thing was that I would almost never call him. Why would I do this?Why would I stay in such a relationship?Because I really liked him and I trusted my instinct telling me one day all this are gonna change.

On the other hand, it fitted my lifestyle perfectly: I'd have the time to go out with my friends clubbin, or at cinema or just out and see him in the same time - no "off limits" week end, you know? I must admit that I wasn't too interested in other men, so that helped a lot.

In my case there was this war of nerves, you know? I hated it in the beggining, just like you do, but got the hang it in the end. The longer we continued to see eachother, the more he'd change, the more often he'd try to contact me. His choice! I'd try as much as possible not to ask things from him, no reassurance, no nothing. Just some nice time together.

I didn't get jelous because if he wanted to cheat, he wouldn't have to do much effort to. He would have stopped calling, or writing. Since he didn't... If a man wants to cheat, he'll cheat. You just can't controll this! You may even live with the guy and you still won't controll him. I can't understand the source of your insecurities.

Frustrated about his not writing or calling? That I understand! But why panic and think "another woman"? This is your doing. You are hurting yourself.

If this "game" is too childish for you, maybe you should leave. But stop this insane thing with the other woman. It'll poison your life. Try to see where does that come from!

[lohrewok]

Hello!!!!!!! I wrote (what I thought) were several good suggestions for dealing with the mind talk you give yourself.

Originally posted by lohrewok
There are several stragagys you can do. One or all may work for you. Also, the more you do this, as with anything the better you will get at it.

1. Whenever you feel your mind starting in with the negative messages, just make yourself STOP. Force yourself to think of something good, positive about you and your relationship.

2. Think about these issues logically, not emotionally. Ask yourself such things as, "Has he ever given me a reason to doubt him?" "Has he ever lied to me?" Take your emotions out of the picture as much as you can. The more you let your imagination run away with possible scenarios, the worse it will get for you.

3. Do good things for yourself, that raise your self-esteem. Work out, see other friends, do fun stuff. Don't put all your "emotional" eggs in one basket. Don't forget about who you are.

4. Talk to him about it. Not in a negative way. Keep the conversation on how you feel, not about what you imagine about him. This can be tricky. I don't mean the old "is she prettier than me?" routine. But talk to him about these issues you are having. He sounds like a good guy. He may be able to help somewhat. But most of the changes will have to come from you. You are young and can change this behavior. In fact you must, because it could get worse and affect your future relationships in a very negative way.

There will always be prettier, smarter, richer, thinner women in the world. If he wanted to be with them he would be. He choose you for a reason. Your worth in life is not based on how you look. Good luck.

[MsLandon]

you know what? You have offered very good suggestions. I am going to put these suggestions into practice. You see I'm going off the deep end over here don't cha? laughing. I'm going to go down the list one by one. These ideas all make sense and are completely logical. Insecurity and jealousy is never logical so I think that these suggestions are great because they pull into a different space - mentally.

Thank you so much. And thanks for pulling my collar and reposting. You got my attention.

[MsLandon]

Originally posted by CurlyIam
This resembles a little to my current rlationship. My bf works crazy hours, he lives far from his work and from me, so he had the perfect excuses not to... you know, do things for me.

We've been talking this week end about the beginning when he'd do exactly what your bf does (only mine kept it like that for quite some time). He told me he sow just what a good time he had and wasn't very sure about us. He realised that should he had called and sow me more often, he would heve gotten involved much quicklier. And he didn't want that. On the other hand he didn't want to let me go either.

What did I do? I played his game. Went along with the sharade. If we would meet and he's email me, I'd respond 2 or three days later. Of course, he'd do the same. The funniest thing was that I would almost never call him. Why would I do this?Why would I stay in such a relationship?Because I really liked him and I trusted my instinct telling me one day all this are gonna change.

On the other hand, it fitted my lifestyle perfectly: I'd have the time to go out with my friends clubbin, or at cinema or just out and see him in the same time - no "off limits" week end, you know? I must admit that I wasn't too interested in other men, so that helped a lot.

In my case there was this war of nerves, you know? I hated it in the beggining, just like you do, but got the hang it in the end. The longer we continued to see eachother, the more he'd change, the more often he'd try to contact me. His choice! I'd try as much as possible not to ask things from him, no reassurance, no nothing. Just some nice time together.

I didn't get jelous because if he wanted to cheat, he wouldn't have to do much effort to. He would have stopped calling, or writing. Since he didn't... If a man wants to cheat, he'll cheat. You just can't controll this! You may even live with the guy and you still won't controll him. I can't understand the source of your insecurities.

Frustrated about his not writing or calling? That I understand! But why panic and think "another woman"? This is your doing. You are hurting yourself.

If this "game" is too childish for you, maybe you should leave. But stop this insane thing with the other woman. It'll poison your life. Try to see where does that come from!

So how long did this go on and how is your relationship different now? The interesting thing about all of this is that my guy has pursued me this way for about a year. At the time we were just friends and he told me about feelings he had for me. We talked back and forth, but I did notice a pattern of it sometimes taking a long time for him to respond. Again, he's a one man business. He'd always begin the emails with , "sorry it's taken me a minute to respond." and then he'd set up a lunch date. When I didn't respond to him for a very long time - I mean a month or so, he became very aggressive -- calling every day to set up a date, etc. When we did go to lunch he said that he was interested in dating and would like to set up future dates. So far we've had tree of them since May 1st. Gosh. When you look at it that way, it really doesn't seem so bad. 3 dates in a month's time. Really makes me feel stupid. But I suppose my expectation was that communication would somehow change because he asked for us to begin dating and exploring what life had in store for us.

And it's not so much that I'm concerned about another woman per se - because I never saw this woman in the dream - it wa sonly illuded to, ya know...it's more so worrying that I am going to be somehow unaware that his feelings have changed and he will have moved on without me knowing. I guess it's just plain fear - maybe fear of what I don't know and certainly of what I can't control.

But yes, there are some striking similarities between your story and mine. Interested to hear how long this went on and what type of place you guys are at now.

Thanks for sharing.

[CurlyIam]

Originally posted by MsLandon
So how long did this go on and how is your relationship different now? The interesting thing about all of this is that my guy has pursued me this way for about a year. At the time we were just friends and he told me about feelings he had for me. We talked back and forth, but I did notice a pattern of it sometimes taking a long time for him to respond. Again, he's a one man business. He'd always begin the emails with , "sorry it's taken me a minute to respond." and then he'd set up a lunch date. When I didn't respond to him for a very long time - I mean a month or so, he became very aggressive -- calling every day to set up a date, etc.

OMG, this reseambes so much to my bf behaviour! Ok, so I'll tell you what he told me: after the first date, he sow I liked him and became very sure of himself. On the other hand he also liked me a lot which encouraged his behaviour.That's why he took his time and made the next move only when he was very sure he could handle it. For instance, our second date was three weeks later! The next weekend he worked, the other weekend there was my room mate's anniversary, so... three weeks later we had dinner together! Suddenly three dates in 4 weeks look great, trust me!

When we did go to lunch he said that he was interested in dating and would like to set up future dates. So far we've had tree of them since May 1st. Gosh. When you look at it that way, it really doesn't seem so bad. 3 dates in a month's time. Really makes me feel stupid. But I suppose my expectation was that communication would somehow change because he asked for us to begin dating and exploring what life had in store for us.

On the other hand, I had barely knew my boyfriend, we ran into eachother in a bar and some common friends introduced us to eachother. So I guess my not knowing him helped me a bit. I had no expectations.

And it's not so much that I'm concerned about another woman per se - because I never saw this woman in the dream - it wa sonly illuded to, ya know...it's more so worrying that I am going to be somehow unaware that his feelings have changed and he will have moved on without me knowing. I guess it's just plain fear - maybe fear of what I don't know and certainly of what I can't control.

But yes, there are some striking similarities between your story and mine. Interested to hear how long this went on and what type of place you guys are at now.

Thanks for sharing.

It took a while 'till he opened up. More than 2 months, almost 3. And I believe I was very lucky to do it in such a short time.

He would just try to keep his distance, even after taking it to the next level ! I mean he would call more, be some more attentive, but emotionally he was still unavailable. I must confess I was started to think that's as much as he's ever gonna give me. So I wastaking our realtionship quite casually, although I knew I was deeply involved.

I was so dissapointed, that even after meeting his friends, I wanted to break up with him - a stupid incident, but I felt I was the only one in the relationship, so why compromise? I think it was also a red flag for him. He appologised and we decided to continue .

The change was more obvious after Easter. His parents invited me to have lunch with them, as I was all alone. We had a very nice time, I think they liked me, they were great, his dogs would love me, I suppose I have fit in the picture perfectly! I sow him analysing me, looking at me in a strange way. After that he told me he had been very proud of me. This must have triggered a response, I can't explain. It's not very fair, I haven't done anything really. Anyway, he warmed up considerately afterwards.

But don't think he'd turn 180°. No way! But each day he would open up more to me, despite his rather selfish way of being. Don't think I was pressuring him to. As a matter of fact, after a week end together I felt I had too much of him. I can't describe it. I needed time off, so I took it.



I think the main reason we're good together is that we are both afraid. I come out of a very long and serious relationship, he is still licking his wounds after a nasty breakup. So none of us was after a "relationship". Not really! It just happened. Attraction did help, I give you that

And we both learn along the way about eachother and try to feel comfortable with eachother. Something like getting as much space and air as possible but still be in a relationship. But that's us!

Hopefully this helps understanding his behaviour. Good luck!

[MsLandon]

While I was reading your post, I had an epiphany. I remember my guy talking with me about his life and how he's aware that he as abandonment issues because of his father passing away when he was very young. He said he wouldn't let people get close, because then he wouldn't have to worry about being heartbroken with they left. He talked about it like it was in the past - but when I look at his behavior, I don't really think that it is.


When we had our first "official" date when he asked me if we could start dating, he didn't call me for a while afterwards. I happened to call him just to see what he was up to on this particular day. He said, "Hey, your birthday is coming up. We have to do something special." and he went on to plan a wonderful birthday evening for me. Picking a secret restaurant, picking me up, giving me a beautiful card with a long beautiful hand written letter in it about how capivated he was and how he hoped that we could get closer. And at one point, in the midst of our date, he said "I know it's YOUR birthday, but I have just having a GREAT time." He asked me about my thoughts on like my top 5 movies, music, etc and when he heard the answers he just gazed at me and said "I love that about you." We shared a passionate kiss (15 minutes worth) outside my door and said goodnight. I didn't hear from him until probably a week later. I was surprised that it took so long. Then we talked for several hours about once a week after that. And then again the following week which resulted in him asking me out for our 3rd date. Our 3rd date was completely overwhelming in terms of how we clicked, passionate, and just what our bonding was like. It was completely comfortable. He kissed me goodnight, walked me to my car and just gazed at me from his door while waving until I drove off. Then he proceeded to talk to me on my cellphone until I got home. Then 2 days, no call. I left a message for him just saying "hey and give me a call when you get this," and emailed him about how much I'd enjoyed our time together and how he was on my mind. That was Monday, today is Wed. and I haven't received a call yet.


All of our encounters have been wonderful. For me they have been overwhelmingly passionate, emotional and just plain enjoyable. Everything he's said and shown me has reflected the same on his end. Could this be about abandonment on his end? Otherwise it just doesn't make sense to me. Maybe that's what's eating at me to. The fact that I just don't "get it."

[tiki]

To me it doesn't sound like jealousy issues here. It does sound more like insecurities.

My best relationships have formed when I was just being myself, not really too interested in my surroundings, just taking it as it came. IMO, you will appear more attractive to someone if you have a life of your own. Meaning....don't wait for him, or his calls, or his emails. Get on with your life and see if he finds a way to gather your attention. A man that will go out of his way is the only man that should keep your attention. Just when you aren't looking, you may find that one that DOES call and DOES want to talk and take you out. Best of luck.