[carlos81]

I posted this also in the Long Distance forum but I felt it could apply here too! Any advice you can give is greatly appreciated

Hi,

I met a girl three years ago and we started dating. She's from Spain and I had to finish my college career in the US so I would see her on Christmas Summer and Spring Breaks but that's about it. In three years obviously a lot of things have happened such as infidelities, distrust fights etc... Now I'm graduating I'm going back and she was very enthusiastic said she wanted to live with me get a dog take a vacation away from everything together. She had been telling me all these things for about a month now.

Well just yesterday she said that she had been holding back and she wasn't very sincere and that she loves me but she's afraid of seeing me again. I was set to go back to Spain this Thursday but she's asked me to give her some time to think. She denies that she's with any guy, she's upset about a whole range of issues in her life and she says that if I go there she will feel obligated to see me. She feels that she really wants to miss me before I go. She accuses me of being too much on her and that I'm chasing her yet she's the one,not me, that calls twice a day to talk and see how everything is. And if I don't call she gets upset at that...

I'm wondering what to do. Do I stay in the US till she makes up her mind on whatever she needs to decide or should I go back anyway to Spain, I would be at my parents house, despite her objections. I hate dealing with things from long distance and I feel helpless over here. I was confident that everything would be ok, long distance has been a horrible experience but when we were together it was magical. She even lived with me in the US for 5 months back in 2002. But now its almost as if she wants to decide before seeing me. She says she doesn't want me to see her in an upset mood and she doesn't want to get upset with me and she's sure that she will get upset if I'm there.

I don't know if this is all just an excuse for something else or if really should listen to her and give her some time and wait for her to tell me to come to Spain. Either way I have to go back sooner or later but maybe "the time & space" she's asking for...despite being in a 3 year long distance relationship with sporadic visits... would really not be the best thing. I mean to me we have been apart for just about the whole 3 year period and I don't know what she means by needing time & space when she is still calling me twice a day. She says she wants to chase me and go after me and wants to really want me and feel the way she used to feel.

I'm 22 years old and she's a bit older 26 we come from very different backgrounds but she always was telling me she had everything really clear with me and that I was the guy she wanted to marry. Now she's not sure about anything feels scared that she would be seeing me in a few days... Should I not go to Spain now and wait for her to tell me that... should I not talk as much on the phone and make her miss me that way?

The last time we saw each other was in January of this year. Despite everything we've stuck together through hard times and now that I've graduated I was finally looking to be together and now she's just scared of the fact that I wouldn't be leaving again in two weeks or one month but that I could be there to stay...

I would appreciate all your comments!

Thank you,

Carlos

[MsLandon]

I don't really understand her side of things. Wanting space when she's had plenty of it for the last 3 years? Hmm.

Is is possible for you to go back and tell her that you think that it's wise for you two not to see each other? That way she gets her space, you get to be back at home and you can hash out things from there.

[carlos81]

Hi MS Landon,

Thanks for your reply. after some professional consultation that's what I will be doing. I guess its not right for her to react in that way and if she is hiding something from me...well I guess then that the sooner I find out the better.

Thanks for your comment.

Carlos