Smucks,
It was one of those times I'll never forget. She just took both of my hands and led me over to the kitchen table, and looked me straight in the eyes and told me. And I could tell from the look on her face and her eyes that what she said was sincere. She just said, "Dennis, I love you and I just want you to know that I know you're human and make mistakes, I do too. But know this, you never have to lie to me. I will understand and live with your short comings, that is what I vowed when I married you." I was soooo shocked!!! I told her that I fib just to save face and not get in trouble.
With her explaining to me that she only got upset because she caught me in a lie, and how it made her feel, I began to understand that telling the truth would be less painfull on her. She also said that if she did lash out on me that she would take a walk and calm down and make it up to me, ( In a way I saw fit ) So with her willing to own up to her own mistakes of lashing out, I knew that I could tell her the truth and if she did yell at me that she had a price to pay.
Of course, she never has lashed out at me since then, ( Afraid of what I'd make her do to make up for it ). So give your boyfriend the same scenario. I'm not promising it'll work, but if you love him, ( and it sounds to me like you do ), then you would be willing to pay for your mistakes as well.
Good Luck!!!
Moose
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"The conscience water saw it's maker, and blushed" - Water to Wine......
Good idea Moose! I've since started fibbing to my husband. I see no sense in being truthful to him, when he lies and lies and lies. I used to tell him everything. Especially about any moneys I spent, and I'd always have to hear, "Quit wasting MONEY!" and then deal with him stewing for three hours. Finally, I just started lying about how much money went into our account. If I got paid $450, I only wrote down $400, so I had $50 to spend, without his nagging. I didn't used to do that, but I figure if he can lie to me whenever he feels like it, then I'm not going to put up with his nagging, if I can just fib out of it.
I promised myself the other day that I was going to stop the fibbing, and I ended up lying to him about something, and not even realizing it, until 20 minutes later!
I guess if you get in the habbit of hiding some things, it's hard to break
Monday,
Yeah, hard habits are hard to break, it took me awhile to be 110% honest with my wife, but it'll get easier for you. As far as lying about how much you're puttinng into the account, well, my wife justifies that because she did it too. Of course, she doesn't work, so what she would do is buy something for herself with my money just because I spend money on my luxuries.
Now mind you, I spent money on my alcohol, cigarettes and that type of stuff......I don't blame her, afterall, you have to spend more money on that stuff anyway, ( Sin Taxes ).
But what is your reasoning? What is your husband lying about anyways? Does he splurge on himself?
I ask these things because I could easily turn things like Ice Cream, Chocolate, gas for her to run around around with her Mom most of the week into balancing out my splurges. Of course, I think now she understands because she always asks me what she can or cannot do with our money each pay period.
I'm very happy to hear that you're working your fibs to your husband. Not to sound like a mind reader, but are you and your husband in tune with your marriage? Just curious....
Moose
My husband lies and hides his porn. As of late, I don't THINK he's looking, but then again there have been at least ten times that I haven't thought he was looking at porn, only to discover he'd been looking at it for a month or longer. So that's all he lies about that I KNOW of.
After about the 5th time I caught him lying to me, I stopped confessing my spending habits, because I figure why should I listen to him lecture, when I could just do him the way he does me? So I fibbed.
I work full time, and bring home $1000 a month. My husband brings home 4X that much. However, I drive a 99 Jeep, and he drives a 2003 Mustang. He has a $1000 TV, and I have a $100 TV. Etc Etc. I got sick of every cent I spend going into our account to pay bills that he accumulated before we ever met, when he had all of the nicer stuff. He's told me flat out that if I ever divorce him, that I'm not going to get anything, because all of the stuff is in his name (read, my jeep, and my tanning bed). I got fed up, and every so often, I'd go buy some nice things. I wasn't racked with bills like I was before I married him, so I figured we could afford it. Sometimes I'd end up spending money before he'd pay the bills, and then he'd throw a fit, because "bills come first". I feel like I'm paying for HIS things. I feel like if I leave, every penny I've put into HIS bills will be lost, because everything is in HIS name. I started feeling like, "Forget you, you lying pervert. You want to look at porn, and exclude me, and deny me sex, because you are selfishly getting off on other women's bodies, yet if I get fed up and leave, I don't get anything??? Bull CRAP!" And you wouldn't BELIEVE how much money I wasted on ebay in a three month period. Once I realized that I was out of control, I started to work on myself. I would toss the credit card statments when they came, because I didn't want him to see the $1000 a month I was blowing.
EEK! I decided that a step in the right direction, would to quit using the theory, ~you do it to me, I do it to you~ and start working on our marriage. If he lies, then I start lying, then he thinks it's OK to lie, and continues to lie more. He asks me to stop spending money, and I ask him to not look at porn. He looks at porn, so I spend money!
My mom always said that if my dad did something she didn't like, and she asked him to stop, and he ignored her, she'd do it to him, to give him a taste of his own medicine, and then he'd stop doing whatever it was she didn't like, because he didn't like it being done to her.
So that's how I learned to get hubby to quit hurting me. It doesn't work on him, however, because he couldn't care less what I do, and he NEVER sees what I'm doing as a reflection of what he does.
That's a bummer...sorry, but I feel like he should be responsible for all of the monthly bills and you should be able to spend your money on whatever you want. My wife hasn't had a job in over 16 years!!! What is wrong with men these days? Men are suppossed to be the provider of the family!!! I'd feel guilty if my wife worked!!
She's thought about getting a job before but I told her I'd feel more comfortable if my kids were raised by her and not the neighbor....that's just the way I am. I do not tell her she CAN'T get a job, I just let her know how I feel about it. She chooses to be sensitive to my wishes and that's the right way to go about it.
And another thing, you talk about your jeep, his car, your TV and his TV......sorry, but everything on and in our property of 3 acres belongs to each and every one of us within the family...yeah, I bought everything, but we are to be a unit....there is no seperate entity.....that's just wrong of him to think that it's all his stuff....and trust me, if you two ever did decide to get a divorce, it doesn't matter who's name is on what.....you'll get your share, I know this because my brother is an attorney....your husband is sadly mistaken.
Anyway, those are my thoughts, and I don't expect everyone to agree....but hey....it's America so I guess it's ok to express my opinion.
hi guys, thank you all for your advice and I take heed to it. Monday, you have far worse problems than I, and I wish you the best with it. I feel for you. You will work it out, just don't ever sell yourself short. You deserve to be happy and content. Clarity, thanks for your words of wisdom, your words make sense and was well put. Your right about being bored and I am out working full time and get frustrated when I come home and he's put alot of time on the computer when there is things that could be done. I still come home and clean, cook, run the kids, etc. I feel overwhelmed with stress just in that alone. I feel he could do more, but no, I don't nag about that. I do get frustrated andn ask him to do more, but he usually doesn't. He is home, I work, I deserve a break. He is a generally good guy. He doesn't mean harm. We all make mistakes, but I am big on the trust. Which comes to Moose, thanks for your words of advice. They are well spoken and it sounds like you have been down that road. Funny, I didn't lecture him about his choice, it was that he lied. I don't think it was the smartest thing for him to do, experiment, but he is a grown man to make that choice, but he does have a family to consider. But I will learn,am learning to let go of it and rebuild trust. I hope it works, I am sure it will. But thanks again for your help. I wish you all the best..
This issue is so upsetting to me. It seems like such a power trip for the man to be on. Of course his wife is going to feel insecure and unattractive when he's putting all his sexual energy into something else. I feel sorry for women that have to go through anything like this, including myself who is currently going through this! It takes two mature people to get through and the only answer is therapy.
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So with her willing to own up to her own mistakes of lashing out, I knew that I could tell her the truth and if she did yell at me that she had a price to pay.
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