Coworker - to - Friend - to ???? Some basic advice needed. Thanks.

BVItortola · 26th May 2004, 1:01 PM

I'm new here. I know this is fairly long but help would be appreciated. Some common advise is needed.

I am 29 years old and work in a small office. Our current office manager/secretary (she is 31) has been with the company for 2 years. We have always gotten along professionally and have, in the last six months or so, developed what I would call the "beginnings" of a friendship. However, over the course of the last several weeks, I have developed rather intense feelings for her, the kind that remind me of high school crushes. I find myself walking up to the front of the office quite often and basically chatting - getting to know her better - and maybe a little flirting. I'm pretty reserved, and normally, I would just move on with life but this woman has me going "gah gah go go". She has inspired the kind of excitement and energy in me I haven't experienced in a long time ex. I'm going, by myself, to the Caribbean - a spur of the moment decision made last week. As I said I'm very reserved and going on a Caribbean vacation is NOT my typical style!! OK the issue at hand:

1) She is a co-worker in a very small office - this issue alone represents a host of the usual work related relationship issues.
2) More importantly, she has recently begun a relationship with a guy she had been crazy about for some 6-7 months. I am thrilled for her as I've been in that situation before, but yet I cannot ignore my feelings.

I think I know the answer to the question - "what should I do?" My brain says move on. I do not need the potential work problems and I certainly wouldn't want to get in the middle of her current relationship. My heart though is saying a different thing. The usual "fun to be around, caring, always a smile on her face etc..." all apply to her but she also brings out a side in me that I haven't seen in quite a few years - less reservation, more open, more relaxed, less stress, basically a much happier version of myself.

What do I do? If I go with my brain and move on - any advise? If I go with my feelings - what would be the best approach? Any help would be appreciated. Thanks.

moimeme · 26th May 2004, 10:03 PM

Go with your brain. You could run into a whole raft of problems as you've already figured out. Maybe this guy she's crazy about will turn out to be a dud and she'll turn to you for friendship.

Pookette · 26th May 2004, 10:10 PM

I agree with moi. If her relationship ends with the other man, then I think that would be the best time to strike up a more-than-friends scenario.
But certainly become friends with her now. She might just see that you're a great guy she can't do without!

BVItortola · 26th May 2004, 11:12 PM

Thanks for the help. I think I knew which way to go but having others confirm it certainly makes it a little easier.

Now I just need to keep my emotions in check!! I know I'll do fine though. Thanks again.

winterwonderland · 27th May 2004, 7:28 AM

Why even wait for her relationship to end? Just ask her out. Lots of girls go with guys that are in a relationship and they don't seem to mind sharing at all as long as they get what they want. You never know what will happen.

BVItortola · 27th May 2004, 5:14 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by winterwonderland
Why even wait for her relationship to end? Just ask her out. Lots of girls go with guys that are in a relationship and they don't seem to mind sharing at all as long as they get what they want. You never know what will happen.

I certainly can appreciate your point but I don't think she would be the sort to do so. Also, I know it's not a guy's guy thing to do but I may have an issue with screwing things up for the other guy - that is unless he is a complete #$%hole.

BVItortola · 28th May 2004, 4:16 PM

I've made my decision - good brain good brain!!!

BVItortola · 10th June 2004, 1:40 AM

Well, things went well for a while. I basically didn't think about her in the way I had, but I she recently told me in passing her "man" had literally changed the way he viewed life, much the same way she affected me, probably even more so. That "killed" me. Now I feel like I have nothing compared to her "dream guy" At this point I'm not looking for something to change her mind or some action on my behalf to get my feelings across. I just need to know how I manage to get through the next days, weeks.... or whatever it may be, anything to move on. Its over right? I really have no idea what to do. Right now, I'm seriously considering leaving my job - not something I would miss except for the regular pay!

suzyq2 · 15th June 2004, 3:01 AM

Please, please don't date a coworker. It's nothing but heartache. I did the same thing and now i am faced with him wanting to screw this 19 year old girl that I work with and she just makes it a point to tell me everything he says to her. I am embarrassed, hurt and miserable. he still tells me he loves me and yada, yada, yada-It's a mess. Relationships need to stay out of work- when it's good it's sooooo good and when it's bad it's sooooooooo bad!

packersgirl · 1st July 2004, 7:55 PM

I don't see anything wrong with dating a co-worker. In fact, most of us spend most of our lives at work, surrounded by people who have at least one common interest, and we see them at least 5 times a week. There is nothing wrong with it, as long as you keep your personal and business lives seperate. You're going to grow closer to people you see on a daily basis, sometimes there is no way around it.