[Love2share]

I am in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend, Chris. We've been dating for a year. He is best friends with one of his ex-girlfriends, Linh. They've known each other for six years. They dated and lived together for the first two years of their relationship. For the last four years the two of them have continued contact with each other. Chris admitted that he and Linh have been sexually involved, but only while they're not involved with anyone special. There has only been one other serious girlfriend in my boyfriends life since he broke up with his ex. But he broke up with that girl because of Linh, and several other problems. And now he's with me.

Chris and Linh were having sex until a few months before he met me. Now he wants me to believe that the two of them haven't had sex since he and I have been dating. Linh hates me. I've never met her. I called her cell phone once and asked her about her intentions with my man. But she assured me that she will never stop loving him. She said I was insecure. Then she told Chris to tell me not to call her anymore. Chris was upset with me for calling Linh. He and I almost broke up over it. I had caused a problem in his relationship with her, and he wanted to break up with me !!!

Chris claims he only broke up with Linh because she loved him and he never loved her. Their relationship started out with them just being roomates and sex buddies. Then she fell in love, and basicly started being a slave to him. She would do "anything" he asked of her. She stopped thinking for herself. Apparently, he didn't like that. So he dumped her. He swears that he doesn't love her, and never has loved her. So it's a mystery to me why, and how they have continued to contact each other.

Chris want's me to believe that their strange relationship has grown into a true friendship that is hard to find. Once, they both insisted that they will always stay in touch, no matter what obstacle comes between them. But Linh has made it very clear that she will never befriend me, or meet me. After that, I demanded they stop contacting each other. Chris promised me they wouldn't contact each other anymore in order to prevent me from breaking up with him. But I have evidence that they are still communicating. Now they are hiding it from me.

Linh and Chris only live a few miles away from each other. I live over 800 miles away from both of them. So they can hide anything they want from me. I feel as though the two of them have conformed a conspiracy against me since he tells her all of our problems (when acutally, his relationship with her is the only thing we argue about). He never tells me anything about her except for how she is suuuuuch a greeeeeat person.

Am I wrong for being insecure about Chris and Linh? Is this type of friendship normal or healthy for a serious couple who love each other? Could Chris be lying about his feelings for Linh? Why does Chris want to keep me in his life? It looks as though he and Linh could have a perfect, loving relationship if he would just commit to her. Is he wrong for keeping her in his life knowing that she feels differently for him than he for her? Help !!!!!!!!! I really love him. But what should I do?

[EnigmaXOXO]

There has only been one other serious girlfriend in my boyfriends life since he broke up with his ex. But he broke up with that girl because of Linh, and several other problems.

So, she habitually sabotages his relations. What’s worse, Chris seems totally incapable of making any independent decisions on his own without letting this girl run his life. Sorry, but he’ll never be able to have a serious relationship with anyone until he grows up and cuts the umbilical cord.

Linh hates me. I've never met her.

Of course, she does. She would perceive any female as a threat. She’s not about to become your friend and willingly let you interfere with their comfy arrangement. The more attention he gives to another girl, the more time and attention that is diverted from her. She doesn’t have Chris’s best interests at heart. Nor yours. It’s all about ‘her.’

The fact that ‘he’ broke up with her, should tell you enough what this girl’s agenda is. If Chris had made a clean break, instead of keeping her as his ‘best friend’ and rebound sex partner, then she may have gotten the message. It’s CHRIS that’s sending all the mixed signals. It’s hard to even say who’s using who at this point. But the important thing for you to realize, is that you will never have a solid long-term relationship with this guy as long as he keeps his rebound gal in the background. This jerk is stringing BOTH of you along!

But she assured me that she will never stop loving him. She said I was insecure. Then she told Chris to tell me not to call her anymore. Chris was upset with me for calling Linh. He and I almost broke up over it. I had caused a problem in his relationship with her, and he wanted to break up with me !!!

You’re not “insecure”. You’re in denial. She already told you where she stood with Chris. She was already working in the background to split you two apart looooong before the phone call. By contacting her, you made it even more convenient for her to make you into the bad guy. She has already caused a rift in your relationship by whining to Chris about his “insecure girlfriend.” But again, the only person you should be angry with is CHRIS. Linh may be fighting harder than you right now to win the guy, but in reality the two of you are in the same boat. Both of you naïve ladies are being duped. Instead of being angry at each other, you two gals should get together pummel this dog in a dark ally somewhere.

Do yourself a favor cupcake, and be the FIRST to dump him before he dumps you. You’ll feel a whole lot better about yourself in the long run. Let this other gal have him if she’s stupid enough to consider him some ‘prize.’ I guarantee, this guy won’t be fit for any relationship until he grows up in a few years (if at all.) Meanwhile, find nicer, more mature guys to date and don’t waste so much of your time and energy squabbling over losers.

[amanda25]

If i were you, i would do some serious re-evaluating of your relationship...If he is lying to you about talking to her, what else is he lying about?? Maybe you should confront him again and tell him that you have PROOF that he is still communicating with her?? It just sounds like there is alot more going on...Good Luck

Oh honey. I was in this exact situation about a year ago. You are NOT being paranoid, or overreacting!!

To be honest, my ears prick up at the mere mention of an ex girlfriend. Fair enough if they were friends before, then it's not so weird to stay friends after, but to be honest, I broke up with my ex and I haven't actually spoken to him since, except about once! I don't feel the need to talk to my ex's - as far as I'm concerned, that part of my life is over, and out of respect for my current boyfriend I completely put my ex's out of my head.

I understand that it might be difficult to completely cut ties with someone who you've shared years of your life with, as your boyfriend has with Linh. I haven't been in a relationship as long as that, so I wouldn't know. But if he respected you, he would keep contact with her to a minimum. My ex wasn't actually over HIS ex, despite making me fall for him for about 10 months. I put up with his stories about her, mentioning her all the time, and still seeing her because they were "friends" because I figured that when you spend that much of your life with someone, it must be hard to let go. But to be perfectly frank - I think people SHOULD cut most ties. The relationship is over, and they should respect their current lover...i.e. he should respect you!!

It's obvious that they still have SOMETHING between them if they're still sleeping with each other after they broke up. No wonder Linh hates you, she was probably expecting to get him back at some stage but as far as she can see, you've ruined that. I'd be SO careful here.

God, I don't even know what to tell you to do....I'm not giving good advice because of of the hurt I felt at this exact situation is still so fresh in my mind. My ex had another girl after his big ex, but broke up with her because of his issues with this ex. He really did care for me, I know that...just not enough. Oh it hurt so much, I'm really feeling for you.

It even got to the point where, after we officially broke up, I went clubbing with my girlfriends (trying not to cry all night!!) and after I got out the club, I got an SMS message on my phone. From him. But the message wasn't meant for me...I almost laughed, because it was meant for her, and they were obviously discussing me, and my reaction to our split.

I can't tell you how awful that was.

I wish I hadn't let it go on as long as it did, because I really fell for him. For a few months, he forgot about her for a while, and we were wonderful together. I didn't bring up my fears about her because I was scared of losing him...bet that's how you're feeling, huh? I don't even know what I'd do now if I could do it differently, it's difficult to bring this up without sounding like you don't trust him. (Which, clearly, you don't, as I didn't...but still)

Maybe ask him WHY Linh hates you. Get HIM to confront the situation himself. Tell him that if he still has feelings for her to just tell you now, because you don't want to get hurt. I wish I'd told my ex that, so that I didn't waste my time.

Ask him how he'd feel if he knew YOU had that kind of relationship with someone. I had a weird relationship with somebody, not physical but we had something between us, we weren't friends but we were always on the phone together...I don't get it actually, we hate each other lol...but we were inexplicably attracted to each other. It was harmless (I think) but my current boyfriend was obviously uncomfortable with it, so me and this guy (who's very close to him) have decided to cut our contact out of respect for him. I know it's a different situation but the bottom line is that if you're bothered by something, it's his DUTY to respect that and do something about that!!!

Jeez, what a long post. I'm sorry, I've literally rambled on with no point to my post, I'm just upset for you because I know how it feels. I hate the thought of someone else going through this.

Nip it in the bud...if you act like you're okay with it, he'll only talk to her more. Most likely she'll become his "confidante," and he might even discuss YOU with her. Then he'll start to think, hey - we're getting on really well.....and pretty soon she'll get what she wants.

The fact that she won't befriend you is a seriously bad sign...what a bitch! Maybe they DO have a rare friendship - I have a wonderful friendship with a guy that I'd never *do* anything with...but that's just it, isn't it. They HAVE been together and obviously have a physical attraction, so it's different. The fact that they're keeping their contact secret is even worse...if he thought it was okay, he'd keep all this in the open. He's obviously feeling guilty and hiding it from you.

GET OUT, while you can. I know you love him, but my god you'll be so much more hurt in the longrun, I promise you. Maybe give him one more chance - a really honest talk. If you're still not comfortable, then leave. Don't give him chance after chance like I did with my ex. I literally thought my heart would never heal.

Especially with the distance aswell - long distance relationships are tough, I've been in one, and they require a LOT of trust. If I were you I wouldn't trust this guy. Sounds like Linh's got some serious plans for him.

Take care, I'm sending a big hug your way.

[Pyrannaste]

I think Enigma pretty much nailed it.
I can't help agreeing with anything she said.

You might love him but you are heading into an heartbreak, this guy is doing what is most confortable for him and both you and this Lihn girl are allowing him to.
It does not matter whether Linh is in love with him and would play 'dirty' and do anything to keep him, or she is just a selfish b*tch that does not love him but would like to have him at her disposal with no interferences from you:
either way, Chris's behaviour is totally inappropriate.

Friendship with exes can be okay when there are not left emotions involved, when the ex does not try to sabotage the relationship .....and this is not the case.
Please dump him and find someone else who will not have this kind of dangerous, unhealty and totally inapprpriate strings with his ex.

[faux]

Originally posted by chocolatecupcake
I am in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend, Chris. We've been dating for a year. He is best friends with one of his ex-girlfriends, Linh. They've known each other for six years. They dated and lived together for the first two years of their relationship. For the last four years the two of them have continued contact with each other. Chris admitted that he and Linh have been sexually involved, but only while they're not involved with anyone special. There has only been one other serious girlfriend in my boyfriends life since he broke up with his ex. But he broke up with that girl because of Linh, and several other problems. And now he's with me.

Why in the world would he break up with a girlfriend because of this past lover/friend? Did she cause this to happen?

Chris and Linh were having sex until a few months before he met me. Now he wants me to believe that the two of them haven't had sex since he and I have been dating. Linh hates me. I've never met her. I called her cell phone once and asked her about her intentions with my man. But she assured me that she will never stop loving him. She said I was insecure. Then she told Chris to tell me not to call her anymore. Chris was upset with me for calling Linh. He and I almost broke up over it. I had caused a problem in his relationship with her, and he wanted to break up with me !!!

You either believe him or you do not. Relationships involve trust. If you cannot trust him, then perhaps it is time to call it quits. As for her hating you: It is impossible for her to 'hate' you if she has never met you for any length of time. She cannot let go of this guy, so she blames you for being unable to be with him most likely.

I can understand why you called this girl, and I would hope that your boyfriend would understand as well. Why he would want to break up with you over this, however, seems sketchy. Unfortunately, that girl was right: You do sound insecure over the entire situation. And I'll admit, it sounds a bit freaky that she will 'never stop loving him'.

Chris claims he only broke up with Linh because she loved him and he never loved her. Their relationship started out with them just being roomates and sex buddies. Then she fell in love, and basicly started being a slave to him. She would do "anything" he asked of her. She stopped thinking for herself. Apparently, he didn't like that. So he dumped her. He swears that he doesn't love her, and never has loved her. So it's a mystery to me why, and how they have continued to contact each other.

I am getting the hint that your boyfriend did not treat this girl so very well, and perhaps took advantage of her given the situation. I can understand, however, why he would want to distance himself from this girl if she became so dependent. It does not, however, make any sense to me why he would continue to speak with her after having such problems with her, or continue to have sex with her in a non-committal setup when he knows she has feelings for him. I see that he takes advantage of this girl, and hurts her.

Indeed. I agree it makes little sense as to why he seems so desperate to hold on to her as a friend.

Chris want's me to believe that their strange relationship has grown into a true friendship that is hard to find. Once, they both insisted that they will always stay in touch, no matter what obstacle comes between them. But Linh has made it very clear that she will never befriend me, or meet me.

I hope you discussed things with Chris, as to your feelings about her behavior. Her behavior is completely unacceptable, and it's quite amazing that he should allow her to hurt your feelings in this way, never standing up for you.

After that, I demanded they stop contacting each other. Chris promised me they wouldn't contact each other anymore in order to prevent me from breaking up with him. But I have evidence that they are still communicating. Now they are hiding it from me.

He has a right to talk to whoever that he wishes, even this Linh girl. If she were a drug addict or always around alcohol, and actually presented a danger to your boyfriend then I can see you asking him never to speak with her again. However, this is not the case. You are simply insecure about the situation and, in an attempt to control him, are attempting to hold him to a promise that no one should be forced to keep, no matter how creepy this Linh girl may seem to you.

Linh and Chris only live a few miles away from each other. I live over 800 miles away from both of them. So they can hide anything they want from me. I feel as though the two of them have conformed a conspiracy against me since he tells her all of our problems (when acutally, his relationship with her is the only thing we argue about). He never tells me anything about her except for how she is suuuuuch a greeeeeat person.

If you have a problem with this then you need to leave the relationship. Obviously if you want to be with him, he has to remain friends with her. You cannot pick and choose other people's friends. You can, however, voice your distaste for her behavior and give your opinion of the situation. You have every right to do that, but he can still choose to remain friends with her if he wants.

As for worrying about him cheating, I have said this many times before:

If your boyfriend wanted to cheat on you, he would. If he wants to cheat on you with this girl, or any other girl, there is nothing that you can do to stop him. You can attempt to spend every waking moment with him, be on the phone with him whenever you cannot physically see him, and be as controlling as you want. He can still go out and be unfaithful if that is what he wants to do.

Relationships involve trust. If you cannot trust your boyfriend to do what is right, to honor you and to be honest with you, then this is not a relationship you want to be in. Am I wrong here? Why do you remain with someone that you clearly cannot trust? Do not even use the "It is HER I do not trust" excuse, as that directly translates into "I do not trust my boyfriend."

You have some serious thinking to do about your situation. If you cannot trust him, then maybe you should lose him.

Am I wrong for being insecure about Chris and Linh? Is this type of friendship normal or healthy for a serious couple who love each other? Could Chris be lying about his feelings for Linh? Why does Chris want to keep me in his life? It looks as though he and Linh could have a perfect, loving relationship if he would just commit to her. Is he wrong for keeping her in his life knowing that she feels differently for him than he for her? Help !!!!!!!!! I really love him. But what should I do?

In your case: No. I do not think you are wrong in being worried or insecure. I have some exes who are friends, but years passed before we became friends, and I never messed around with them after they were my exes. This Linh girl's behavior seems unacceptable, and I believe Chris should be more respectul of your feelings. I think that if he MUST stay friends with her, he can at least sit down and explain to you calmly his reasoning for this, and be supportive of your insecurities.

I'm not sure it sounds to me as though Chris wants to keep you in his life. He seems to be far more focused on Linh. What you need to do is discuss your worries with him, and hope that he will explain everything to you. I believe he should give you reasons for his behavior, and listen carefully to what you have to say.

If you are not completely satisfied in your mind, no doubt present at all, with his responses then this is not where you want to be.

[Fritz]

For pete's sake, run like the wind from this relationship (if you could even call it one). They're both losers. He never loved her, but he's friends with her and "fark buddies" sometimes...

[gd1039]

no

there is a reason you broke up.

[Love2share]

I spoke with Chris last night and he said Linh hates me because I called her. She felt violated eventhough I wasn't rude to her. She just felt like I was way out of line for calling her. So I admit that I didn't have the right to call her. I apologized to him for that. But given the situation and all the things he told me about her, I felt I needed to see where she stood with him.

I don't understand why he is still soooo upset because now she's arguing with him about me. She's forcing him to choose between herself and me. He told me that he's choosing me. But he's upset about it and blames me for the whole mess. Apparently, she has been ignoring him lately, not returning his calls, because he refuses to break up with me.

Can you believe all this drama is due to......A FRIEND !!!!!! ???

[supermom]

Dont you think that YOU should be his BEST FRIEND?

[Love2share]

Yes. I think I should be his best friend. But I know there are times when he will need to talk to someone...maybe get a female's perspective on things....if he wants to talk about me. That's fine with me. It's just that this female is still in love with him. And I simply approached him to tell him the situation made me uncomfortable.

He understood and admitted that he may have been leading her on. Out of respect for our relationship, he asked Linh to step away last November. He told me she started crying and gave a big fuss. But he still said he would let her deal with it on her own. Things were going well for Chris and me until I discovered that he hadn't left her alone a month later. He was keeping their communication private from me.

Then I felt betrayed. Then we started arguing about it again. But this time, he insisted that she would always be a part of his life. That's when I decided to call her to see if I was over-reacting. I really don't know what I was expecting from her. I sort of assumed that if she was such a great friend to him, may be she would be a good friend to me as well...and see things from my perpective...and make me feel a little more comfortable about them. Unfortunately, it didn't work like that.

[helpme231]

what the heck are you doing?! You are getting red flag after red flag and you are still sticking with it!
red flags:

1. Girl was in love with me not me in love with her...right...he probably liked her sex, though?!
2. Girl bends over backwards for guy....even when he is seeing other people....okay, she has low self-esteem and some serious attachment issues
3. He lets her bend over backwards for him even though HE DOESN'T LIKE HER VERY MUCH...okay, so he just admitted to you that in the past HE HAS USED WOMEN FOR HIS OWN GOOD.
4. Lies about communicating with her...why? They aren't sleeping together, or are they? He would probably lie about that, too....(my ex did!)
5. He is furious with you for contacting his ex that is crazy? But he doesn't want her anymore, right?

RUN FOR THE HILLS! Ask yourself what kind of advice you would give a female friend of yours if she was in the same situation...take yourself out of the box for a minute and ask yourself that....would you tell her to stay or go? When I did it, I know in my heart that I would've told my friend that she was a dumb*** so I figured maybe I should take my own advice.
They are still sleeping together, this girl is holding on the him because THERE STILL IS SOMETHING THERE....especially for her to talk to you the way she did....they are still sleeping together on occasions and he is filling her head up with falsehoods to keep her in the background but conveniently there when he needs her...pretty selfish isn't it? And you want a guy that treats women so well that he takes advantage of a female with issues? Talk about lack of respect for women!
You should go out and read this book by Lundy Bancroft called, Why does he doe that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men. what you just described is a textbook description of an abusive man....may not be physically, but he is emotionally and mentally abusive and he seems to get a kick out of having the both of you fustrated with each other instead of YOU BOTH BEING PISSED AT HIM FOR JERKING YOU BOTH AROUND. And its fine that he wants female friends but contrary to belief, guys that love their girlfriends and wives find women to talk to that WON'T BREAK UP THEIR RELATIONSHIP AND THEY NORMALLY DON'T TRY TO KEEP SLEEPING WITH THEM BEHIND YOUR BACK! This situation is not good at all....I was married to a guy just like your boyfriend and four years and two kids later, I had went through at least 4 LINHS and I was his wife...and one of the Linhs is currently pregnant from him!...it doesn't get better sweetie, believe me.

[Love2share]

Helpme231 really nailed it in. If I didn't have it before all of you wonderful people stepped in, I definately have it now. Yes..I have been in denial all this time. Yes..I would tell a friend in the same situation the leave the relationship. ALL of my friends have given me the exact same advice that you all are givng me now. I really am glad I found this forum. You people are great.

I've tried my best to remove myself from the situation and talked to him, like a therapist, to get him to open up about his feelings for her. He will not admit that he has a caring bone for her in his body. He swears she is just a good friend to him. And he wants to keep her friendship. I could feel the pain in his voice when I talked to him last night about this situation with Linh. So he's not lying about his communication with her this time. She really has been avoiding him, at least for the last two weeks. He made it very clear that if I had never called Linh to interfere, he and she would still be okay. Of course I was hurt by this and I told him so.

I've decided not to go snooping through his things anymore because that's dishonest on my behalf. It also forces me to accpet things that are probably best denied. I saw the error in my ways. Therefore, I could change. That makes it easier for me to trust what he says, and judge the truth by the way he makes me feel.

All of you resondants are truly feeling me :-) and I love that. For this situation, Chris has been a jeark, and a dog. But there is more to him than just this situation. And if I wasn't pleased with him in other areas, I wouldn't still be in love with him.

Chris said that in order to get her back in his life, all he has to do is break up with me. That's the ultimatum she gave him when they last spoke. Chris said that since he refused to break up with me, I should realize that he doesn't care for her. He thinks I should forget about the whole situation, let bygones be bygones; and now we can move on with our lives without interference from Linh.

I guess I've been looking for someone's opinion who thought I SHOULD STAY with him and WOKR IT OUT. But your advice pretty much sums it up. What I've been doing over the last two days is trying to get Chris to see the error in his ways. I believe that if he finally admits that he was wrong for the way he handled the situation, and that he hurt both Linh and I, may be he can change. Then he and I could make this work.

[RackEmUp]

So I admit that I didn't have the right to call her.

Hunnnhhh???? She's the best friend of your SO...don't you have an automatic "right" to call her, so you can start a friendship?? Friend of my SO is automatically at least civil to me, right???? For his sake?? 'Cause otherwise he will dump her, out of loyalty to me??? NO? Then, all I can say is, WTF?

You're posting again and again...why? The bottom line is, Linh is trying to make him choose between you and her. If she forces this choice, lucky you...because either he chooses you, or he doesn't, and at last you KNOW. But then, I guess you already do.

NOTE TO SELF: Must never accept SO having best friend that hates my guts and treats me like "the enemy".

[Love2share]

The bottom line is A FRIEND shouldn't have to FORCE one to choose between themself and the SO. Supposedly, my phone call to Linh disturbed her so much that she did this. Yes, Chris may have chosen me, but he's still angry because he didn't want to choose. How am I supposed to feel happy about that?

Chris chose me...but he didn't choose to make the choice. And if I walk away from him now..then surely he will go straight to her...and she will have what she wanted all along...ME OUT OF THEIR LIVES.