[John1234]

Hi, just looking for some impartial advise...

I am 25 and split up with my ex-girlfriend of 4 years almost a year ago. It was a very serious relationship for my age and we were practically living together. I finished with her as our relationship had gradually deminished into more of a friendship.

I have moved on now, with a lovely new girlfriend I've been seeing for 6 months.

Problem is I have recently found out that my cousin and one of my best friends have been 'dating' my ex behind my back (separately!).

I say 'dating' since I know neither of these are 'serious' relationships (and suspect they never would be) but rather they are just "a bit of fun." I'm not sure if either of them has had sex with her for sure but I have strong suspitions.

To put this in context, me and my cousin were brought up together and he is like a brother to me. I confide in him about everything and he used to give me advise about my ex. He also lived with her for around a year when we were going out as he needed somewhere to live and she had a spare room. He is 28 and has had two or three serious relationships in the past.

My close friend I also used to confide in about my ex and he always used to tell me to finish with her as "I was very young and if I had any doubt in my mind then I should see what things are like without her." He is 22 and somewhat of a ladies-man - having lots of casual fun with girls but no real relationships.

With my ex, although we dont see each other very much, things had been ok up until I found this out. I finished

At the moment I feel really gutted that three of the most important people in my life could do this to me. I know I could never even consider dating a close friend or relative's ex at any time. I feel that, particularly my cousin, has disrespected me in a very big way?

I just don't know that, although I have this strong view is it necessarily right? Also am I overreacting to never want to have anything to do with them again?

Is it wrong for these people to do this given my past relationships to my cousin, ex and friend?

Also, does doing this behind my back make things even less respectful to me? or could they have been just trying to protect my feelings or something?



Thanks for taking time to read this- please leave your view if you can.

Thanks again.

[bluechocolate]

Your cousin & your (I hope former) best friend have behaved very badly. The fact that they are dating your ex behind your back says to me that they know that what they are doing is wrong. Any sensible person who cared for your feelings and your friendship would have approached you first before proceeding to date this girl.

I don't think you're over reacting at all. These people should have known better. As you said, "I know I could never even consider dating a close friend or relative's ex at any time." Although I couldn't say I would never date a close friend's ex I would certainly speak to that friend first to see how they would feel about it.

[JessiNuemonic]

I have to agree ... although it's a free world, they should have shown you the respect to, not ask for your permission necessarily, but just to let you know so that you could hear it from them from the start and not some chain of gossip.

They may not see it as a serious relationship for them, but it was for you, and there were many more emotions involved. Though they may have been trying to spare your feelings, they have not been honest with you and owe you an apology.

Good luck. <3

[John1234]

Thanks for the advice.

I have not spoken to either of them about it yet. I've tried to phone my cousin but he is ignoring my calls.

Regarding my ex and my ex-friend, I could not really give a damn about them just now as I have other good friends. I am really furious with my cousin though. Mainly because of the strong relationship between us. He is like my big brother and I have always went to him for guidance.

I feel an apology is not enough right now as I just cannot believe or accept how he has betrayed and disrespected me.

Is this over the top? How can I control these feelings? Should I forgive him? I feel I could not forgive him at this time. Maybe in the future.

Am I being unreasonable?

[Pyrannaste]

I don't think it is unreasonable at all and surely I'd react in the very same way.
Did you at least receive an apology (even if it would not be enough)?
The worst part about it was doing it behind your back.
Asking for your permission to date her would have been the very best thing to do, but even something, "hey, I really like this girl so I'm going out with her, I hope it won't be a problem because I'm doing it anyway" would have at least been honest and not disrespecting

[bluechocolate]

No, you are not being unreasonable.

If it helps you can look at it from a different perspective. You felt differently about your relationship with your cousin than he does. You put more emphasis on trust & kinship than he does. Now you know where he's coming from you can deal with him in an entirely different manner. Certainly you may be able to forgive him in the future, but I doubt that your level of trust & kinship will be the same. So then he becomes a casual or fairweather friend. We all have those in our lives. When you get over the feeling of betrayal & anger you'll realise that it is his loss and to some extent your gain. Rather you know who your true friends are than discover that in your hour of need they weren't really true friends at all.