[Galstormy]

First off, I'm 31 and my boyfriend is 47. My bfriend & I went out to dinner one night and there were a lot of people there for the prom. He said "I don't need to be seeing these 17 and 18 year old girls in prom dresses." I asked why and he said "It's a turn on!"


Then about 3 weeks later we went out to dinner with some of my friends and to the left of our table was a table full of young sorority girls. He repeatedly kept looking over there over and over.


I didn't say anything about either incident until later. I told him that both things upset me - that it is disrespectful and I can't deal with that kind of thing. I also told him that no one has ever treated me like that before.


He apologized. Should I have even said anything or was I right to voice my concerns?

[Pyrannaste]

Well said and well done.

If I've read the post correctly, first time, when he said the girls in their prom dress were a turn on, you didn't tell him anything.
In this case, well done: it could have been just a playful comment, and he probably he did not even realize he said anything that could hurt.
You was very nice not to tell him anything.

Oogling over the girls three weeks later while he was with you was very rude and untactful. Well, I guess he didn't want to hurt you on purpose.
I think that perhaps from the other time, when he made that comment and you said nothing, he got the (wrong ) idea that you had no problems if he looked at attractive girls in your presence.
Perhaps he even thought "hey, what a nice lady! I joked and she ate not me alive ! perhaps she's so tolerant she'll let me watch ladies next time!let's give it a try, she might not be offended with it".

You voiced your concern, and did very well.
I don't think you overreacted at all, expecially because you were tolerant the first time.

Glad to know he apologized.

BTW, how long have you two been dating?
Is it a lot of time? And was it the very first time he acted like this?

[Galstormy]

Thanks for your input. I was a little leary of asking for others' opinons.

We have been dating for 4 1/2 months.

Those were the only 2 incidents involving people out in public. He's made comments before about stars and celebrities being attractive but that doesn't bother me. He just seems to think about sex a lot! I know most men do but sometimes I think he's oversexed! He subscribes to Playboy and owns several porno movies. That doesn't really bother me though because I think well, it's just a magazine or a video tape. Maybe it should bother me, I don't know.

Other than these things, he's really a sweet guy but just seems to not have a clue about certain kinds of etiquette with girlfriends. He's real loving and caring.

[BlueHeavens]

well...does he ever tell you that YOU look sexy or "are a turn on"? If he is only able to complement other people, I'd be concerned. I also think that his being "clueless" is not a great excuse to say things that might make you upset.

[FreeMe]

Originally posted by Galstormy
First off, I'm 31 and my boyfriend is 47. My bfriend & I went out to dinner one night and there were a lot of people there for the prom. He said "I don't need to be seeing these 17 and 18 year old girls in prom dresses." I asked why and he said "It's a turn on!"

Personally, I think that's kind of sleezy. First of all to tell you, his girlfriend, that it's a turn on to look at other girls in dresses, but mostly because they're so young. One time I said something about my boyfriend looking at someone around 21-ish (and he's 48) and he was so offended. He said what he saw was someone who is just a kid to him and what kind of creep did I think he was. That shut me up

If I were you I would keep an eye on his behavior. I've always found that men who had to make comments like that in inappropriate situations are trying to prove their masculinity, which of course reveals an underlying insecurity that could become a problem. Just keep your eyes open.

[morrigan]

The comments were sleazy and innapropriate. Kudos for you telling him how you felt, and at least he had the good grace to apologize.

Sorry to say this, but if you stay with him, get used to him eyeing the teenage girls--he may be smart orrespectful enough to not make the fraternity boy comments, but he's going to keep looking at the youngsters.

[deesgirl]

I agree that he probably won't stop. If he can't keep his eyes off other women now, what will happen when the 'honeymoon' stage is over?

[soserious1]

Since there's a 16 yr difference in your ages it's hopefully occured to you by now that your b/friend is obviously interested in pursuing the young stuff?

You have a couple different choices here.

1.call him on his crude comments or on ogling that is of the blatant,conversation stopping variety.

2.Once you've had the serious convo about his public behaviors if he does it again,say nothing,just quietly get up and leave,even if it means calling a taxi to do so.

3.Participate in the same behaviors,ogle younger men openly,make tasteful but pointed sexual comments about their youth,virilty.

He'll either "get it" and tone down his behaviors or he won't and you'll have to decide if you can learn to live with this behavior or if it's time to cut your loses and move on.I'd say at the tender age of 31 that cutting your losses and moving on might be a better option than trying to teach an old wolf how to behave.

[dawn duval]

The fact that he's so much older than them (and they're barely legal) is creepy. But even if they were cloesr to his age...

I get so annoyed that guys *have* to look at other women. Even if they have to, can't they at least hide it out of respect?!

soserious1 -- I tried a technique like 3 on an ex and it worked very well. He was in shock at first, but it got his attention and it shut him up. (After months of nagging with no success.)

[Mary3]

Stop making excuses for the creepy bum.

He's hitting 50 years old and is looking at High School Girls/ College in their Prom dresses because he WANTS them and that validates his youthfulness.

I dont see your relationship lasting very long and trying to tell him won't work .

Be prepared for him to get a young missy sometime soon

[oh_what_am_I_doing]

I am reminded of a post I just read a little bit ago regarding a woman who was fed up with her man because he constantly masterbates when company comes over because their female guests turn him on. He even masterbated to the thought of her son's girlfriend... creepy. Anyway, those that replied reached a consensus- his behavior is inappropriate and he should not tell her or let her know if other women/girls are turning him on. You are certainly justified in your feelings. Gawking and oogling are rude and disrespectful to you.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Originally Posted by dawn duval

The fact that he's so much older than them (and they're barely legal) is creepy. But even if they were cloesr to his age...

How to interpret this in the context of your having posted on a thread that was so much older than your answer...

Hmmmmm