I have been married for 10 years. I have known my wife for 15 years in total. We have two children (almost 5, twins). Literally since the day we got married, there has been close to a complete lack of affection shown on her part. Sex is obvious one part but it goes much deeper than that. Simple things like cuddling up together, her wanting to hold hands, etc. It has been especially noticeable over the last 6-7 years. I thought maybe by having kids that would give us a bond to have together. It clearly has. I feel the marriage has become a partnership in raising the children. I am clearly unhappy at home and she knows this. The issue of lack of affection has been talked about many times in the past.
She asked me the otehr day if I could see myself with another woman and I told her yes. I feel my kids suffer because I am not as good a father as I could be because of my unhappiness at home. THey also don't see any love and affection between my wife and I.
We started counselling last week but I feel so hurt over the last number of years I am scare this has no chance to work.
What were things like in the 5 years before you got married? In offering this advice I've assumed that there were problems but that they were less obvious.
The fact that you want it to work so much shows you still care, despite the hurt. That's good. There may well be a reason why your wife has been unable to show affection. As this has been a feature of your marriage from the outset, it's unlikely to be because she doesn't love you or else she probably wouldn't have married you. Try and stay positive, as the counselling progresses your wife may well need your support as she faces whatever issues have led to this problem. I recommend she has individual therapy as well. If there is a specific problem, as seems likely, there's no reason why it can't be resolved. Good luck.
Last edited by meanon; 6th May 2004 at 12:37 PM..
Reason: spelling
Your story and mine are almost identical. 10 years of grinding it out, five after learning that children were not the cure. Now you know: Great! Don't we wish someone had told us they wouldn't be the cure before we had them. Now we love them, but cannot leave them?
Meanon is correct, there is a chance, however slim, that marriage counseling could work.
It is therefore worth something.
But let me tell you what also could be worth something; Consult with an attorney and find out what your options are outside marriage. This could be an awakening of sorts because divorce might not be as good, or as bad as you imagine.
To work, counselling requires that both parties approach it with an open and hopeful mind in the very least. It can be a long road for some. I haven't read your other thread....will look for it now...an escort does not sound like a good solution to me at all, and runs against my own morals.
Obviously you care a lot still though, and have been through quite a bit...good luck with it.
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