[sjjane]

My bf has this group of good friends that he has had since high school. They are all really great people. My problem is that one friend in particular used to be a "f*ck-buddy" of his before we started dating. This "buddy" of his wanted a relationship with him but he turned her down. He said that they've known one another since they were teenagers and they only had sex a hand-full of times during a one year period and ONLY when they were drunk.

My problem is this. We were at a (different) friends b-day bash this past weekend, and SHE was there.
I felt awkward enough but on top of that this girl kept paying an unusual amount of attention to me. I know girls can be catty. I've delt with it before, but I've never been creeped out by someone like this. She had to sit next to me the entire night, she kept following me and I even caught her staring at me on more than a few occasions! She seemed waaaaayyyyyy to happy for me and my bf. She even sent my bf a text message late that night saying how she thought I was really cool, a great person and she's really happy for us.

I'm not too enthused with my guy continuing to "hang out" with his old "play-mate". He doesnt see the problem. But what happens if they go out with the rest of his friends one night and get drunk?! Will they screw again?! Do you think I have a right to feel uneasy about this or am I overreacting? If anyone reads this, please tell me how this type of situation would make you feel and what you would do about it?

[midwestconfusion]

Could go either way but I'd say, go with your gut. I was "that girl" before (the playmate) and you betcha...regardless of how "cool" or "nice" or "pretty" I thought his new lady was, when she wasn't around, we played around.

[Thinkalot]

I reckon you should tell your man how you feel about this, and even say you'd feel more comfortable if he reduced contact with his old playfriend.

Once in my life I entered into a brief fling with a friend. I resumed frienship with him after that. We were still friends when I met my current partner. I was a bit naive and probably insensitive as far as these things go, and I kept chatting to the 'friend'. I had no desire to be with him, and did not realise it was upsetting my guy.
It actually blew up into a bit of a problem (long story)..and anyway...following that I made some decisions and set some new boundaries down- I hardly ever speak to that friend now, out of respect for my guy...and because I have completely moved on and cut those ties. He rings me sometimes. That's it. I know my guy is pleased with the situation, even though he didn't ever say 'dont talk to him'. I hope your man will respect your feelings on this, and realise you are more important than mainatining this friendship. He can speak to her...but tone it way back, so you feel more comfortable.
Don't push too hard though. Be calm when you speak about your feelings. I would mistrust the girl too...girls can be catty.

Good luck to you.

[sjjane]

Thanks Thinkalot. I had brought it to his attention that the situation makes me feel very unsettled and I dont think he understands why. He said he only sees her once in a while and I believe that. I just worry about this girl perhaps viewing this whole thing as a challenge. We all know those kinds of girls and she strikes me as one of those. My guy is very faithful but when people get are drinking (and a bit too much) judgment tends to GREATLY impaired.

Thanks again Thinkalot!

[faux]

Firstly, I am glad that you told your boyfriend how you feel about the situation. Talking is always the best way to go about things, as often times the other party does not realize that you are hurt, or understand at all why you are, or how you could be hurt.

Now, about the trust issue with your boyfriend... If your boyfriend is old enough to drink, then he has every right to go out and drink and hang out with his friends. There is really no point in stressing yourself out over whether he will cheat or not, as he either will, or will not cheat on you during your relationship.

You can lock your boyfriend up, never let him leave your sight, spy and snoop on him and deny him any freedom at all. If he is going to cheat on you, he will find a way to do it. You can make him promise to never see this girl again, but he could always break that promise. I'm not saying that I believe your boyfriend will be unfaithful, but I am just saying that these situations go both ways when you are in a relationship with someone.

When it comes to relationships, I think you just have to trust the other person to do what is best and stay faithful. You cannot control another human being. IF something happens, then deal with it! Until then, there's nothing you can do so why bother getting upset over it? Relationships involve freedom and choice. One of your rights in a dating relationship is the right to end it whenever you want to do so. Another right is that you have the right NOT to be controlled by your partner.

Your boyfriend should, and I see has, taken your feelings into consideration, but you cannot MAKE your boyfriend do exactly what you wish him to. Additionally, you cannot make your boyfriend NOT do things you would not approve of. Unfortunately, good AND bad is what relationships are made out of. You spoke to him, he understands, and that is important. Do not keep worrying over something that may never happen.

[Thinkalot]

I do know what you mean. There've been a few discussions on here about where to draw the line with exes and that sort of thing. I think maintaining friendships can sometimes certainly be OK. But if it's making one person really uncomfortable, then I think that needs to be taken into account first and foremost.

I hope your boyfriend can understand your concerns. Perhaps ask that he doesn't spend time alone with her, when you are not there, and respects how you feel about it.

[sjjane]

Faux, I know I cant control my boyfriend. I would never want to. I'm 28 and he is 33. I've been married before and learned a few things along the way. Being hurt and lied to before by my ex hubby has left its scars, and I know that there are people out there that are capable of doing things you never thought possible, such as cheating. I also question whether he really does understand my feelings on this, he seemed very confused as to why I'd be feeling this way. I will take your advice Thinkalot, I dont want to be one of those girlfriends that makes her guy choose "his friends or me" type thing. I know I wouldnt like it. But a request such as "not spending alone time with her" I think we can BOTH handle. Thanks again.

[NatoPMT]

and try to remember that there was no feelings involved with her, if hed wanted to be with her, he had plenty of opportunity and turned it down. why would he jeopodise you - who he actually wants to be with - for something he doesnt want with someone he doesnt want to be with?

[renee70]

no way, no how...I would never want my hubby/boyfriend hanging out with someone he used to screw. That's not right and I'm sure if the shoe was on the other foot your guy would understand. The history, the memories...it's just not right. Hopefully he'll come around.