[rudyfunston]

Hi, everyone. Thanks for taking the time to read this, I feel really confused and ticked off right now, not to mention hurt. This is my 1st post, and I love this site--been looking at it a lot last few weeks. Here's the deal(the long ,long one!): I was seeing a man I actually met thru an online site(a 1st for me!), cause I'd just moved here (Sept.'03) and we dated a short time, about 2 months. We actually hit it off really well, had fun together, even went to San Diego together one weekend after we met. I felt secure with him, talked deeply with him, felt I was falling for him a bit.

He also got on my nerves a little because he is soo type A and (a German lol!-love' em, but it's true!) maybe a hair controlling, tried 'too hard' to impress with bragging,etc. But very open and willing to communicate on the other hand. I'm pretty laid-back, but must say attracted to his 'man-with-a-plan-ness', since it's different from my more big-picture, relaxed attitude. I told him I wanted something light and breezy, and "no-strings attached" up front. I've never been totally able to do this, and it didn't happen this time either! I cared too much for him. He said that no-strings was fine for him, too. But we saw only each other, and basically were exclusive. He SMS'd me all the time, and called like twice a day. Sometimes I started to feel suffocated.

Also, I was just starting grad school, feeling insecure about juggling this 'NSA' relationship and all the work I had. He gave me a dozen red roses one day, brought me nice lingerie from Europe(he travels on business there a lot) always talked about how much he was so attracted to me, how he thought so much of me, and even invited me to come to Europe with him sometime. I felt like I needed to make up my mind about whether to stay with him or not. So I broke up with him, not in the most ideal way, basically he called me while I had come out of a very long day, stressed with midterms the next day(3 in a row), and I brought up us getting together the day later and we could talk. His ears perked up at 'talk', and I tried to talk around it, and it was too late. It felt too sudden and too harsh, and I hated the way it happened. But I was bursting to get it off my chest, also.

I told him I felt I needed time to get my life here more straight with school, and I felt too stressed to have a boyfriend, although he insisted he wouldn't expect anything more than NSA, I said I didn't think so. We talked a time or two after that. Then, we were out of touch. He loves to SMS, and did so on Thanksgiving. I called him and wished him happy Thanksgiving on his voicemail. But basically no contact, though I thought of him a lot, and 1-2 emails(usu. from him) just saying hi, etc.

He emailed me at Christmas while he was in Europe, home for the holidays. He told me he hoped I was well and that all my wishes for New Years came true, etc etc. I emailed back and said it was nice to hear from him, we should get together for coffee when we both got back. I felt genuinely affectionate and missed him.

We got together back in Feb, went to dinner together. I was quite excited to see him. I wanted to talk to him all night and it seemed the same with him. We went to dinner, then went to a place to have a few Irish coffees. I wanted to kiss him, to hug him, and tried not to let it show. No serious stuff was brought up(ie our relationship statuses,etc) , but he brought up how he was considering taking a business offer back in Europe (he's about to get his green card though), and how he wasn't sure if he would stay here. I felt very sad about him leaving, my heart dropped. He said he wouldn't know until a few weeks.

We had planned to get together another time/sparked up renewed contact. Those plans got cancelled (by him). He was going thru flight training,it was unusually sunny, and he felt he needed to log some hours instead. This was on a Friday, and I hadn't made other plans(it was a midday cancellation!ugh!) I was disappointed but went along about my business.

We had been talking on the phone, etc and I felt this renewed attraction not leaving me. He'd invited me on a ski trip with he and a friend for a day and I couldn't go, for example.Schedule issues!

I searched inside a bit for the last 2 weeks after our dinner, and I still felt I wanted to explore these feelings with him. I was extra careful to think hard as I didn't want to hurt him--wanted to make sure it wasn't just an impulse.

So I wrote him. It was an email I sent, after sleeping on it many, many nights. It said 'I just wanted to let you know that the other night I wanted to talk to you all night, and I think of you more than you know and care about you and I just want to explore these feelings with you. I just wanted you to know this, no matter if you've completely moved on or not. If you feel the same way, please let me know. Wish you the best, etc etc no matter what,etc.

I sent it in the morning, the same time I hit send button, he SMS'd me telling me how grateful he'd been of the times we had!! Weird, huh? So I waited..waited..no reply for 2 days. Then he wrote me, and write he did--a long one about how much I'd hurt him but how nice it was to hear how I felt. How he was crushed and only finally felt over me in December. He was quite upset, and of course not about to just jump into it again with me, wasn't sure if I was just trying to 'find myself' at his expense. But, he mentioned he wanted to see me when he got back from Europe and we could spend time together and 'rebuild trust'. He even mentioned that he was going to ask me to 'move together with him'(a little soon, I think!) back then but he didn't want to 'cut into my sobriety' (with school, etc).

He went to Europe, and got back and we finally made plans to get together for a drink and talk. We met at a bar in my 'hood and he was quite cool with me. I was a bit shocked because he sounded fine on the phone when we were talking to make plans. Anyway, we talked about the break-up and I told him I felt it was legit for me to break up with him at the time, I was feeling bogged down and pressured. He had mentioned in the email how he felt I'd treated him with dishonesty, and bad communication when I broke up with him. I agreed I didn't like the way it happened, apologized, but the reasons were valid and I didn't play with his mind or string him along instead.

Long story short, he agreed, but I knew he was guarded. It was one drink for us that night, he suggested he didn't want another, did I want to walk back.

Ok, HERE'S THE KICKER: We walked the few blocks back to my apt. He was loosening up, laughing more, and tried to offer me his jacket,take my arm etc. We get to my door, and he says he needs to tell me something, after I invited him up (to sit out on the balcony only btw!) for a minute. I turn to him while I'm unlocking door, stop, and he puts his hands on my shoulders, looking me in eyes, says Well, you have bad timing. silence.. I said 'you're seeing someone?' He (still with hands on my shoulders, HEAVY b/c he's got a leather jacket on!!) says, with (I swear a bit of a smirk forming on his mouth!!!) Then, immediately he HUGS me --big bear hug!! I kind of stood stiffly trying to break it. What was THAT about? ugh!

It's not that I was surprised of that possibility, but..I asked him there and then 'why didn't you mention this in your email'? He'd been seeing her since December, he told me(it was the beginning of March by then). His response was a lame:" I wanted to tell you in person" (!!) uhh, ookaayyy. I was pretty pissed off but still shocked (I always have delayed responses in these situations!). So actually we talked for at least another hr. and I said I bet your gf wouldn't like it that you are here with me right now.(it was a Fri. night). I asked him if he was happy, he said yes, but 'it's still in the early stages, it has promise, but I'm not sure what will happen'. I can't just break up with her out of the blue he said. I was starting to think something was a bit hokey about this. I should have said goodnight earlier and left him at the door but we talked in my apt. He was talking about how hard this was for him being around me, etc, it was a test of his willpower,etc. We held each other, but I was feeling like pushing him away also. And smack him too?! Very confusing and I was still in a daze. Then I told him he should go, it was really late.

We said goodnight, he asked to see me for coffee soon, after he got back from a few days business trip. I said why, you have a girlfriend? He tried to hug me. I got emotional and pushed him away, and said goodnight. Then I turned into hysterical girl--panicked-- and got on the phone right as he was leaving, called and said, "Ok, I want to see you, but don't play with my head please. " He said he'd never played with me before. Then the call got dropped.

Basically since then I haven't seen him, he's been out of town and I have too. He wanted to see me a few weeks ago. He had SMS'd a few days after the Fri. nite drink, since he was out of town. It said how much he'd been thinking of me, 'so much it hurt' and how he wished the 'situation were different or the hands of time could be turned back'. I didn't respond of course--how would I? I really saw then that he was playing with me, and I thought that message was inappropriate. Folks, where was his inner dialogue??

So he calls about a week after he got back from that trip, after he wrote an email saying he was back and would love to get together, he calls. Said he had a 'lot more time now', I asked if he was doing home office a lot more, and he said not really, but I just have more time. I swear he was referring to not being attached(but I wasn't going to ask) Right as I was writing him an email to tell him I didn't think I could because I had finals the next few days then was going immediately out of town. So on the phone I told him I would like to get together, but I was seriously strapped for time, then I was leaving. I told him I'd be in touch when I got back. (Was wanting to see him, but feeling so conflicted and mad at that SMS and now I regret not asking him about what that was about. But I didn't want to be so available either-ugh! ) He emailed 2 times while I was on that trip, asking me for lunch/dinner when I was back(and he was back--he had to go to Eur. again for 2 weeks, business--busy guy).

Ok, this is almost wrapped up! He got back the 21st(last week) and called on a Sat. to make plans w/me. I was in the shower, called him back. I'd had plans that day and next, a girl friend in town, said 'call me though, so we can arrange sometime' what does your week look like next week? That was Sat. last week.

Didn't hear from him till last Sun.(the day after)@ 12;30 midnight, he SMS'd me (geez-just call and bite the bullet dude!) and said was sorry he'd missed my calls that day and Sat. Uhh, I was falling asleep. I didn't call back until:

The NEXT DAY @noon after class--told him call me to make plans, I would be around to answer the call, no more class that day. Didn't hear anything for 2 days --did my thing but was getting seriously peeved. Was about to just write him off, then wrote him an email saying how we keep missing each other's calls(kinda sarcastic) and what's up? I said I had Thurs and Fri avail. to get together. You know where I am.

He calls that night. I was eating, out, and said I'd like to talk to him though while he was on the ph.(!!). He said oh no no I'm just driving home from work, just called you back as a diversion, No you just go back to eating and I'll call you tomorrow. I'm actually really tired and going to bed. I said, uh, well, alright.

He never called, until this past Sat.@ 5;30 to invite me to a party his friend was having. Saying sorry late notice but I'd love to see you, love it if you could come. I, of course, was in the shower when he called(!!!) and didn't call back. I was going out to a party and dinner before that. I was thinking, 'nice for him to invite', but kinda silly to call so late on a Sat. when he knew I might have plans!?! I decided to call him back Sunday(sick of these games, don't want to play). He'd also mentioned that if he couldn't see me that night, what about Sunday night? Let him know.

Then he calls me later that night @10:30 and I said I was on my way to this party, and hoped he was having a good time. He said again how he'd love to see me soon, maybe sunday. I said I wished he'd gotten hold of me last week when I'd tried to make plans then, b.c . (duh) gotta plan in advance, I have things to do! Said this nicely, lightly. Truth is I had a study group to attend(not an excuse), and I wasn't sure what time it would be in the evening. But I'd
let him know by midday if dinner was a possibility. He said that's fine I'll be around.

I called, he didn't answer. Told him no go on the dinner--but I could see him for coffee this afternoon before the group, or maybe tomorrow lunch(my friends tell me something more neutral--I agree). I called a few times. The 1st time, when I called to leave the message, it rang a few times, then the voicemail came on. 2nd time(maybe 5 minutes later) it went straight into voicemail as though it were off/he was on phone. I called a few more times in a 30-min period, because by damned I wanted to get him on the phone. Everytime, the phone went directly into voicemail. Like he checked his message, then turned off the phone.(I KNOW this sounds totally nitpicky)

He didn't call, but SMS'd!!!!!!! again!!!! (like 2 hrs. later) saying, "Sorry I missed your call didn't hear it as cell was in my rucksack. I also didn't have enough battery to call back after listening to your voicemail. I will be in my office tomorrow" (ie not home office=no lunch) That is it, I called after my group tonight and probably shouldn't have. Of course he didn't answer, and I know I sounded upset tense on the phone, saying I would like to hear from him about getting together, if he wants to try next week get hold of me.

UGH!! That's it, thanks for reading. That was so long. I usually don't obsess this much, but when you have so little to go on, it's like I overanalyze these shreds of info. I'm over this waiting and damned if I will chase him--it's sooo ridiculous, like 3rd grade now. All I want to do is see him to feel him out, and see what's going on with him. I know he's playing hard to get or something. But this last call I made I was hoping to see if he would make solid plans, then I could tell for sure. I, by the way, would just like to know how to handle the next call he makes, because there will be no more from me--for sure. I feel silly for waiting, but half this waiting was when one of us was out of town, it seemed alright.

Is he worth talking to again?? Guys, what do you think? Honestly, I could've gone on a zillion other dates in this last few weeks, but I felt like I started this dialogue and I should try to wait a bit. But now he's acting a fool(and he's 34!), and if he really wanted me, why would he jerk my chain?? We were only together for 2 months, I know I hurt him/his ego, but isn't this getting ridiculous? THANKS So Much in Advance, Everyone!!

Anyone who deeply desires to spend time with you will not be so impossible to reach by phone. I think he likes you, is probably still attracted to you, and is either playing a game or just not terribly interested in seeing you. Either way, what's the point of continuing?

I'd drop all contact and let time take care of this one.

[sportsloving]

I tend to agree with Velveteel on this one ~ if he was wanting to see you, be with you, he would make a point of calling you back asap or at least letting you know ahead of time of plans. Reading what has happened kind of makes one wonder if he isn't seeing someone else and has to screen the times he can call or answer? Anyways. I would cut him loose, if he sincerely wants to see you and spend time, he will let you know and you won't be getting voicemail all the time

[morrigan]

He wants to be with you when he has time and interest for you--I don't think he's looking to have a relationship with you. It all sound a little furtive. Don't discount the possbility that he is seeing another girl and is calling you up when she is not around.

Find someone else who enjoys making plans with you and spending time together. If he calls again, either tell him you're busy or just don't answer the phone or respond to his messages.

[rudyfunston]

Thanks so much for your thoughts. I was even feeling a bit relieved to think he was backing off, just because
it was an answer. An update: After I called him on Sunday afternoon to tell him that my study group was still on(ie no dinner that night), I got that SMS saying he couldn't hear my call as his cell was in his backpack, yadda yadda no cell juice to call back after he got voicemail blah blah. So, needless to say, I was super annoyed that he SMS'd. And his response to lunch that next day was no go b.c he wasn't working at home. Just to give him the benefit of the doubt AGAIN (ugh!) I called him that night(voicemail-AGHH!) and said, with more annoyance in my voice, how hard he was to reach, but let me know about coffee Wed./Thurs.(which are now getting filled up).
I know this is tedious, please bear with :-) ! So NO WORD until tonight via email saying, "You are right, life has been so busy with getting back to work/bad health, Thurs. unfortuately won't work for coffee since I have such and such committment(he's learning to fly), but might end up cancelling tomorrow taking the day off 100%--home office, that is, since this week has been really hectic, and since I have to be in SJ on Fri. Let me confirm tomorrow though. " What the F*!@k do I say to him now? I actually want to ditch this whole thing because it's making me feel stressed out, and I have so much work for midterms at school, etc. I don't need this. Anyone have some ideas how I could respond? I have kind of a smarty-pants email reply to this b.s. I created(short, sweet-basically saying GAME OVER). Sould I go out with him if he confirms yes(then if I'M still free Thurs.?!)
Thanks so much in advance, all.

[rudyfunston]

Wow, reading my last post it's so apparent how ticked I am at this man for making me wait 2 months to have
some kind of dialogue. To tell me if he truly wants to pursue a relationship. And it seemed like since I was the one who attempted to get him back after hurting him, I felt I was the one who should be ultra patient, reassuring him that I was real. But I think he's taking advantage of my position now. Well, like velveteel and sportsfan have pointed out I think he's given me an answer already. And he may be seeing someone of course. I think I'm so obsessed with being 'fair' if he calls I think I should try to get together with him(but only if it's on Thurs. like I asked!), no weekends/evenings. Does this sound ok, or am I playing games too? I think I'm acting with dignity. Any more thoughts? Thnx!

[uriel]

A relationship shouldn't be this much work. You're overanalyzing and overstressing. Yes, you hurt his ego -- and even more than that, his heart. Sounds like he's skittish as hell, and who can blame him?

Obviously, he was in love with you if he was thinking about moving in together. He was shocked when you broke up with him over your school stress. He doesn't see how the woman who would do that can be trusted not to hurt him in the same way again. He wants you, but he wants to be sure he won't get a knife in the back next time he begins to feel sure of you. It's very likely that he's trying to seem less interested and more involved elsewhere so you won't take him for granted again.

In trying to protect himself (understandable), he's now hurt your ego. You're thinking about giving him another snap cut-off because he's causing you stress around school. Do you see a pattern developing? Could it have something to do with some limited amount of feeling you have for him or amount of energy you're willing to invest in a relationship right now?

Fact is, if you do want things to work out with him, you need to regain his trust. Your being sorry about how you handled things before is a start, but just a start. You need to give him concrete evidence that you're not going to take him for granted and pull the plug like that again. You've got to show that you're a stable, mature, non-neurotic potential partner who can work through stress and any other difficulties that come your way because you value him that much.

If you want to go that route, stop strategizing and start being honest with him. Tell him you'd like to give things a chance between you. You'd like to slowly earn his trust back. You need him to tell you what it will take to do that. Let him know broad times when you're available to meet. Let him set the hour, and then show up. Once you do, listen to what his needs are. Eat a piece of humble pie. Take things slow and see where they go.

-- uriel

Uriel's response was right on the money.

This whole thing is tedious and melodramatic and frankly, way too much time and energy invested in what?

You started off not wanting anything serious. You wanted "no strings attached." He obviously felt more for you than that. You played him around. Did you expect him to sit there waiting for you to come to your senses?

If he's still seeing someone, have the courtesy and self respect to let him go...for it's tacky to go chasing after someone who's involved already.

Focus on school, doesn't sound like you have the time or mindset to bring someone into your life (relationship-wise) right now.

[rudyfunston]

Thank you, befuddled and uriel. I'm totally out of this situation, I realize-time to let it all go. Befuddled, just a couple of things in my defense. First off, I don't think you can fairly say I've been 'chasing' him, as he has largely been the one to contact me since he told me he was seeing someone!! I suppose it's my fault I fell into naivete when he kept wanting to see me, and I him, just to at least see what was going on. Couldn't he have been nice enough to just say, 'Look, I don't think I can handle seeing you at all right now"--instead of this? I know that at the end of everything I made a big big mistake the way I broke up with him. But, I had been considering it for a bit. I was totally confused, it was unfair for sure. I broke up with him in order NOT to string him along by not ending it when I realized I couldn't give him what he wanted. The hurt is definitely done. Lesson learned.
He emailed me while I was gone to set up a lunch/dinner when we both got back, for one. He's initiated lots!! ie last weekend, which I wasn't going to respond to but he called me later that Sat. night. etc etc.
So chasing--I'm 'tacky'--?! That's pretty harsh. Thanks for the advice, anyway. Moving on....