[Matilda]

Hi,

My husband and I have been married about 10 years and we have kids. We've had our ups and downs sexually, but lately we have been on the up side. My libido is lower than his, and so I have never been bothered by the thought that he masturbates, and sometimes uses porn to help with that. He has a few old porn videos that he keeps hidden, and has always been discreet about it.

However, in the past couple months, I have noticed that he has been looking at internet porn sites. Again, not really a problem, although, I wish he'd be more discreet about it, since we only have one computer, which is in a family area, and the kids and their friends also use it. I found out he was looking at the porn, when I clicked on history to look for a site I had been on, and saw the porn sites on there. The kids could just as easily have seen it. (BTW, I know it is not the kids doing this.) So, anyway, I didn't say anything to him about it, but the next morning I would just clean out the history, and eventually he caught on and cleans it out himself. I kept checking the computer files and could not find where he downloaded anything to our computer.

Okay, this week I found 4 files he had downloaded over the weekend, which in itself makes me mad, because of the kids. The files were fairly easy to find, and were in a file where the kids had some stuff too. Why does he have to be so stupid? He shouldn't download them in the 1st place, because of the kids, but at least he could do a better job of hiding it. (I would just die if one of the kids saw this stuff, not too mention if one of their friends saw it.)

The other problem is, that a couple of the things he downloaded, show a sexual practice that grosses me out, and I'm pretty horrified that he likes it enough to download 2 videos of it. The act itself disgusts me, plus the audio is very degrading to women. It's really freaking me out that he likes that stuff. I am not a prude either.

So, I am going to talk to him about not having porn on the computer because of the kids. That to me is a no brainer, and I really shouldn't even have to tell him that, but I guess I do. But what do I say about the gross stuff? My husband is a great guy, great Dad, always considerate, and I know he loves me and I love him. But, I just don't know what to do about this? I don't want to make him feel that I think he is gross, but I'm weirded out about having sex with him now.

Ideas?

[deesgirl]

I think it would be fine for you to ask him to be more discreet so the kids don't stumble on the porn.

This is just my opinion, but I wouldn't worry about him watching weird things. Some of the things I think about that turn me on are things I would never want in real life. I've even seen some really strange things that gave me a 'tingle'.

If it's kiddie porn, that's a different story.

[Matilda]

Thanks dee, that's kind of the direction I was leaning towards. If that's something private he wants to think about, then okay, I guess. As long as he doesn't bring it into our sex life. Of course, we still need to have a long talk about the downloaded porn. And, no, it is not kiddie porn, that would definitely be a deal breaker for me.

[deesgirl]

One of the top fantasies of women is a rape fantasy. Isn't that strange? You know these women don't really ever want to be raped.

If it bothers you, maybe just talk to him about it without judging.

[jmargel]

Not entirely true. I've been with 6 women, 2 of them have that rape fantasy. It's not the actual rape, but the feeling of being helpless. One told me, that being controlled like that brings a sense of 'calm' over her. Remember this is only a fantasy and most men who are dominate and view this stuff are the ones alot less likely to actually try it on a unwilling partner.

If you want to control his thoughts, curiousity, fantasies.. No matter how vulgar they may seem to you, then go ahead and try. But you will only push him to goto other methods in satisfying his desires for it.

Yes he should not keep downloaded vidoes, especially if your kids are using the same computer. He needs to be responsible for his actions.

However the viewing of those videos and what it represents to me is not harmful as long as he knows fiction from reality.

There are alot of subs out there that are into this. It may seem weird to people who never gotten into this stuff and there may be psychological reasons why they are in it, but it is after all, just play.

[Matilda]

<<If you want to control his thoughts, curiousity, fantasies.. No matter how vulgar they may seem to you, then go ahead and try. But you will only push him to goto other methods in satisfying his desires for it. >>

No, I don't want to do that, and I don't believe it is possible even if I did want to. I actually have come to terms with the situation. We have talked about the downloaded stuff, and he agreed with what I said. I didn't even bring up the other issue of feeling somewhat disgusted at what he downloaded. When I talked to him, it just seemed as if a friend of his had given him some links to some sites, and then he started looking at them.

Like I told him, I really don't care if he looks at them, but he needs to be discreet because of the kids, and me. He was very agreeable, so I don't think it will be a problem. As for my disgust issue, I've decided to just not think about it, unless it comes up again, which I don't think it will.


<<One of the top fantasies of women is a rape fantasy. Isn't that strange? You know these women don't really ever want to be raped. >>

Thanks for bringing this up Dee, it really put things in perspective for me. I do think a rape fantasy is strange, but I'm sure some of the things I think about would be strange to others. And, I would never want to actually do a lot of the things I fantasize about. You made a very good point.

Hi,its one thing when porn is just a curiosty, but its another when its an addiction. Frequent visits to the porn site and hiding it (deleting it), just states that its gone from one extreme to the other. The thing about internet porn is that its easy and quick access. I would suggest that maybe talking to him about counseling. Ask him if he feels he has a problem with the visits to theses sites. If he says no, he's in denial.


I understand couples viewing it together for spice etc, but when they start to hide it from their spouse its a problem. A problem that can be delt with though. I have ssen so much about people being on porn, and its sad to think that the world has come to people not being able to work out their problems etc without having the need or feeling the need to go to something like that. Please try to understand to its not your fault. I have delt with so many people that want to place the blame on the other for what it is they are doing. Example: "Well you weren't doing what I wanted" Or "I was not getting what I wanted". Its a cop out and an excuse. Also anybody with an addiction will do and say whatever they can to justify what it is they are doing. Best of luck to you.