I meet a man on a blind date. Found that I was not attracted to him and lost contact. HE attempted to contact me months later and I decided to give this guy a try. Turns out we got along pretty great and we have been dating for for the last six months with the understanding that we were free to date others. However, I asked for monogamy.
Recently, he admitted that he was sexually involved with someone else. When asked why he said "It Just Happened".
When I asked where our relationship was going (I clearly indicated at the beginning of our relationship, I wished to gradually move into GF mode) he gave a incoherent speech about not being able to give the time and energy needed to make a committed relationship work due to his professional constraints. He felt it would be unfair to start a relationship under these pretenses.
Normally I would walk away from this relationship immediately. But lately it feels like I'm just running. Do you enjoy the time, stick it out, have fun and wait for a more committed relationship to develop? DO I give him more space, give him time w/o me to see if he really wants to be with ME? OR Do I run....run like hell!!!!?
If it was me, and someone gave me the "it just happened" line, I would have my running shoes on in a flash and be imitating Forrest Gump!
Sex doesn't just happen. He made the decision. Whether he admits it or not, he is in control of his actions.
He agreed (promised?) that he would not be sexually active with anyone else? If that is correct then he broke a promise. I'm a bit unsure of what you mean though. Monogamy, to me, suggests that there will be no dating of others. It's a commitment to each other. In today's world a kiss goodnight doesn't cut it anymore, now it's 'have-sex-goodnight' or so it seems. So, dating and sex go together now. Being monogamous and dating others is a contradiction.
You two need to be very, very clear with each other and if he doesn't want to wait for you, then split up because your priorities are not in sync.
I would never continue to date someone I was quite interested in/who I could possibly see a future with, UNLESS there's a stated agreement to be exclusive. Now that's just me, but I myself am not one to "date around"....never was. I'd rather go slowly getting to know ONE MAN than a whole bunch..and I will only be with someone who's of the same mindset.
now you wrote this:
Quote:
Turns out we got along pretty great and we have been dating for for the last six months with the understanding that we were free to date others. However, I asked for monogamy
Okay, this type of "understanding" doesn't make sense to me. If you've been together for the past 6 months with the understanding that you're both able to date other people, why would you EXPECT monogamy to go along with it? I mean.....for lack of a better way to explain it, you got to "p*ss or get off the pot." You either want to be in an exclusive, committed relationship with the guy, or you don't. You can't really expect a guy (or anyone) to accept this idea that they're allowed to date other people, but just can't sleep with them. Why not? I mean, he wasn't your boyfriend obviously....because you were fine with him dating other people.......so what did you expect?
Whose idea was it, to have this "understanding" that you could both date around but no hanky panky?
>>>Turns out we got along pretty great and we have been dating for for the last six months with the understanding that we were free to date others. However, I asked for monogamy. <<<
Ummmmm, no! That's never going to work.
Now you know.
As for where to go from here, it's just a matter of what you really want out of this guy. I hate to be blunt but it sounds like you're both pussyfootin around here. If you're saying he's free to date others, that means he's free to get involved with others. You're sending him mixed messages. Look at it from his point of view: how does he know you aren't going to just find Mr. Right and bail out on him out of the blue one day??? He doesn't know that, which is why he's made up his mind that he's going to enjoy himself when the opportunity arises. I would do the same thing. Any guy would. Any guy who says he wouldn't is a liar.
Well Befuddled11...A conversation one day went like this...Him: "I don't mid if you date others. In fact I encourage you to date others so you will see how great a guy I am. There however may come a time when I am no longer comfortable with you dating others."
In a separate conversation, week later, 4 months into relationship ME: "I would really prefer that you not sleep with others since we did have unprotected sex :-( the other night. Id ask that we use a condom from this point on if you are not interested in being monogamous." He agreed. We continued to have unprotected sex. I made a point to remind him of our agreement before the next moment of intimacy. He nodded in agreement and his continuance w/o protection I assumed solidified our monogamy agreement.
(And please no preaching bout the non-use of condoms. I fully understand the depth of THAT mistake. And I do understand that just because he and I both took AIDS Test earlier in the relationship means nothing)
Well, I could buy the "it just happened" line. Lotsa stuff just "happens".
In this case I think his honesty is more valuable than anything else. I wouldn't walk away, but I wouldn't commit, either, until he sort himself and his attitude towards you out.
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