[lou]

Hello,
I don't really know how to start this but here goes. I have been married for 18 years and am in the process of getting a divorce. I have been having a very hard time making that decision. We have done marriage counseling and I have been seeing my own counselor. My husband was always controlling and I was ok with it, didn't realize it until last few years. He became very abusive (mentally and verbally). My counselor is concerned that he may become physically abusive soon. He became convinced in his mind that I cheated (I didn't). I have found out that he had visited web dating services (he even had a profile), kissed a woman, rumors of cheating on me during marriage but I'm the "whore". I have been friends with a MM for about a year and in the last few months it has turned into more. Now I have this guilt that I AM everything he accused me of. I have tried to keep this person out of my life but I can't seem to find the strength to do it. I love how I feel when I am with him. I do cherish our friendship above everything and don't want to do anything to lose that. We have not had sex. I do not want to ruin anyone elses marriage. I know that one day I hope to find someone who will make me feel special and treasured. Many years of feeding my husbands ego while he seldom had anything nice to say to me.
My concern is that I spend a lot of time on my cell talking to him and am afraid that once we start divorce, that will come out. He will then assume it was happening the whole time and things will get nasty. How can I stop talking to him when it's the only thing good in my life right now?

[devastated]

Now that you are getting a divorce you will be free to find some one that can make you happy. Having been the victim of a husband who chose to have an affair, the advice that I would give to you would be to stay away. This mans wife does not deserve to go through the hell of having a husband who cheats, it is not fair.

If this man has chosen to have more than a friendship relationship with you he obviously he has no respect for his wife. Do you want to be the "one" that he displays this dis respect with?

Divorce is ugly and your husband wants to place blame on someone other than himself for the way that the marriage is ending don't let him do that. Get yourself a good lawyer if you have not already done so and move on but not with a married man. If you are unable to trust yourself with this man then maybe you should find yourself another "friend".

[brashgal]

It may seem like he is the only good thing in your life right now but soon it will become a bad thing. Get busy, talk to other friends, take a class, take up a hobby, make new friends. Cut the cord with the married guy.

[reachingskywards]

First of all, don't beat yourself up for the way you feel about this man. Everytone needs to feel loved and appreciated and you haven't felt that way in a long time.

I was in a similar marriage and found when I came out of it very attracted to a married man. I was in a very vulnerable state of mind at the time. We were just friends but spent a lot of time texting, calling and emailing each other. Then one thing lead to another and we began an affair.

I want you to know that having an affair was really nice for a short while -- but quickly turned into a double edged sword. It can be easy to forget for a while that the guy is married -- he is giving you all of his attention etc. But the guy in almost every way the guy is the one in control.... And you have to put up with alot. Everytime you see him he ends up rushing off to be with his wife,. I spent New Years Eve completely by myself. I spend my weekends by myself. My friends fell away because I couldn't really tell them what was going on. The lying, the guilt etc has taken it's toll on me. I started to feel isolated etc etc...Before it was as if his wife never existed... now he doesn't think anything of telling me about the little presents etc he's bought her...

If you don't want things to go any further I suggest a few things. Be strong. If you ahve friends spend time with them. If not -- now is your chance to develp new friendships wherever you can. Try to do other things with other people or even just by yourself (there's nothing wrong with going to the movies by yourself).

Try to resist contacting him as much as possible. Read this site -- see what it's like for people.

Don't forget -- he is not as good as what he seems right now. He is coming across as being amazing. But that is not the reality of the situation. It's not a real relationship...

Make a list for yourself of all the reasons why you don't want to be involved and read it whenever you're wavering.

The other thing I really suggest is getting yourself a copy of the book..."how to loose your addiction to a person". I've recently read it and found it great. There is also another site called TOW (the other woman) where there are some excellent articles.

Remember -- as you know from being in a bad relationship for 18 years... it's much easier to get into a relationship than to get out of one. Don't make the same mistake I did. It's painful and one I'm having to deal with.

Good luck.. and no matter what happens you can always come here and keep the rest of us girls company.

Kylie